The Honey Trap
by Adamantwrites
Summary: Adam suspects that his young wife may be unfaithful. Contains adult language, subject matter and sexual situations. Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. All original characters and plots are the property of the author.
1. Chapter 1

**I **

Ben Cartwright sat back in his favorite chair, the fire dying down. His stomach was full, his family was in good health, there were no financial problems and the stock was disease-free. The new mine was practically hemorrhaging silver and the mill was busy fulfilling a new, exclusive contract. And his son, Adam and his wife Helen were visiting from Sacramento City. So with a sense of well-being, Ben sighed and packed his favorite Briarwood pipe with Adam's gift of rich Turkish tobacco.

Ben cherished these moments when the work of the day was completed and his family was safely home asleep in their beds and he would soon be. At this time of the evening, a calmness would fall upon him and he was content with his life. He rested his head, closed his eyes, and gently pulled on his pipe feeling the surge of the elements from the tobacco fill his lungs and his veins.

Ben opened his eyes at the sound of footsteps on the stairs. It was Adam in his robe and slippers who was slowly coming down. Ben waited until Adam sat in the chair in which he had usually sat when he still lived at the Ponderosa. Adam leaned forward, his elbows on the arms of the chair and his hands clasped together.

"Something bothering you?"

"No need to mention the obvious, Pa, but yes. You mind if I throw some more wood on the fire?"

"No, go ahead." Ben watched while Adam went to the wood box and tossed enough resin-rich split logs on the flames to keep the fire burning for at least another two hours. When Adam sat back down, Ben opened the conversation. "I thought it was strange that you two would visit now. I would have expected you to take maybe a few days off for Christmas but that's not for another two weeks. You've been vague about the reason for this trip; I suppose it has something to do with an issue in Sacramento—it's not your partner, Jess Spence, is it—he's not embezzling or such, is he?"

Adam laughed lightly. "No. I wish it were something that simple to prove and solve." Adam paused, looking at the leaping flames and Ben waited. "I think Nell is having an affair." He could barely utter the words and they tore at his heart; his beloved wife, unfaithful in the arms of another man—an unknown man.

Ben was taken by surprise. "Oh…well now. I didn't expect that but what makes you think it? Do you have any…evidence?"

"I didn't catch her in bed with a man, if that's what you mean but there've been signs."

"So you brought her here to supposedly get her away from the man that you think she might be having an affair with." Ben had stopped smoking and held his pipe tightly, ignoring the heat of the pipe's bowl.

"Yes. I know it sounds ridiculous but I didn't know what else to do. My goddamn suspicions are eating me up inside. It's making me crazy."

"Adam, you didn't really know her when you married…"

"I know, Pa, I know. You've told me and I also know it and I admit it." Adam's voice reflected his pain. "I should have waited a longer time before marrying her—you've mentioned it before—many times before, but things were so wonderful, I was truly happy and I thought she was until about two months ago…"

"What do you have that makes you think she's, well, that she's been unfaithful?" Ben could see the hurt in his son's face and he felt it double-fold; he knew those suspicions himself, wondering if one's wife was unhappy and was searching for another man to fulfill her.

Adam gave a self-deprecating chuckle. "Well, I didn't hire a Pinkerton man to follow her around if that's what you mean, but, well, I started getting suspicious about a month and a half ago."

"I don't mean to sound…simple, but you asked Nell about…your suspicions, didn't you?"

"Oh, I asked her. I accused her. I told her that if she had a lover, if there was another man…I was angry so I…well, I told her I'd snap her 'elegant neck'. I shouldn't have but…" Adam's voice broke and he rubbed his face. "It's the worst pain. I think I'd rather be shot."

"I know. I know what it feels like," Ben said, placing his pipe down in a burl ashtray.

"What?" Adam asked. The confession from his father surprised him.

"Oh, I…well, there was a short time about a year after Joe was born that I suspected that Marie might be having an affair."

Ben shifted in his chair and Adam knew that his father was embarrassed to be revealing such a thing. Quietly, Adam asked, "Was she?"

Ben chuckled slightly. "She denied it and I believed her. Well, I wanted to believe her but I was never really sure. I didn't ask any more questions after that but if she was, I don't think it was because she didn't love me, it was for the excitement. I had taken her from a life in New Orleans with its parties and salons, all her friends, to here—out in the wilderness. She tried to be happy here but I know she became restless. I wouldn't have blamed her if she had had an affair since I was so busy on the property all the time but that doesn't mean that my suspicions and jealousy didn't rip me apart."

"Who did you think it was?" Adam asked, leaning forward, listening intently.

Ben smiled and tried to treat it lightly. "Every man she came into contact with." Adam smiled wanly and Ben knew. "That's the way it is with you isn't it?" Adam nodded. "And I suppose that you even suspect Jess."

"Yes. Like you said, every man she speaks to, I suspect. I can't find any peace, Pa. None."

"Do you think it's Jess?"

"No—I know he loves his wife but she's heavy with child and well, I don't know. Maybe it's the gardener or milkman—or no one. Maybe I'm just losing my mind over something purely innocent. "

"Well…what is this innocent thing?" Ben asked.

Adam chuckled derisively. "Flowers."

While Nell slept, Adam paced the familiar bedroom. He couldn't sleep even after talking to his father. Nell had been cold to him since their last argument in Sacramento and she was a bit afraid of him now but she didn't deny him her body. Adam satisfied his hunger for her earlier that night and she had even cried out from the pleasure he gave her. He had been rougher than he should have been but the jealousy he felt when he wondered if another man had also worked between her legs put a fire behind his eyes. He wanted Nell to be sore, to feel an ache between her legs and so he fiercely took her, turning her over and pulling her to knees—a position she found distasteful—vulgar and too much like animals she had always said. Adam ignored her slight protestations and pulled her up by her hips anyway. He ached to possess her but in a way so that she'd know who her husband was and if another man treated her with the gentleness that he himself usually did, the whispering of endearments, the slow working of his hands to prepare her for the act, well, Adam wanted to be different. Underneath it was fear, the fear that Nell might call out another man's name as he kissed her belly or along the length of her inside thigh or softly pressed his lips against her neck. What would he do then? He had to circumvent the possibility.

"Oh, Nell," he whispered as he looked at her sleeping face, so calm now that he had had vented his passion and anger. She looked far younger than her 20 years. And his father's words came back to him: _She's so young, Adam, fifteen years younger than you at least and it may not seem like much, but…well, from what you've said, she's been sheltered. Are you sure you know what you're doing? Your life experiences will be so different and that's what people bring to their marriage._

Adam had been so sure and now he was filled with doubts about their future.


	2. Chapter 2

**II**

Adam Cartwright and Jess Spence, an old college friend, sat in the parlor of Mr. Clancy O'Connor finalizing the business of renting a vacant shop he owned to start their architecture business. They each held a glass of golden whiskey. Mr. O'Connor was impressed with the two young men, both in their 30's; they were energetic and personable and O'Connor was particularly impressed with Cartwright's business acumen.

"You must be Irish," O'Connor said with a wry smile. "Your name may originate from England but that mind of yours—the quickness and the knowin' full well the value of a dollar, well, it's Irish. So tell me true, boy—do you have Irish blood pumping through those veins of yours or no?"

With a grin to Jess, Adam answered, "My grandfather was a Stoddard and my mother, from the picture my father showed me, was as beautiful as any rose of Tralee but the name, from what I've found, is Scotch-Irish or perhaps English going all the way back to the Norman Conquest."

"Bah," O'Connor said. "Unless you hold onto a penny like it's the Holy Grail, you're no Scotchman. And the way you appreciate this good Irish whiskey…well, you have to be Irish. My daughter now, she's marryin' a Frenchman—a damnable frog. His last name is Marquand. Now, I ask you, what kind of name is that for a man to sign with? A damnable embarrassment and I'm handing over my most precious treasure to him." O'Connor made a sound of disgust and Jess shot an amused look to Adam.

Jess cleared his throat. "Love is the most important thing in a marriage, sir."

O'Connor looked quizzically at the two of them and then, in a definitive voice said, "Love's an ass. It takes a man's mind off the most important things in life. You aren't married are you, Mr. Cartwright?" It was obvious by the band on Jess' left hand that he was.

"No, I'm not."

O'Connor raised his glass. "Good for you, boy. Women—they ruin a man. All he can think of if he's got a willin' wife is the night to come and the slit that lies between her legs. Interferes with everything. Better to marry a woman who's meek and none too pretty; easier to live with them and then, when thy run to fat in later years, it's not such a loss."

"A woman may be a diversion from life's business," Adam said grinning, "but I can think of nothing better to distract me. Give me a pretty face, nice tits and a shapely arse any day."

The three men laughed together and O'Connor raised his glass again. "To a nice set of tits," he said and they drank their toast to womankind.

"Now, tomorrow…" O'Connor said as he reached for the bottle and poured himself more whiskey. "Oh, pardon me. A refill, gentlemen?"

Both Jess and Adam declined and then they heard the sound of female laughter along with the sound of the front door opening. The chatter of two different voices, both lovely and youthful drifted into the parlor from the foyer. "Murray," Adam heard a musical voice say, "get my parcels from the hack outside." He heard the butler respond, "Yes, Miss O'Connor. Right away."

O'Connor quickly put his glass done and pushed it out of view. "That's my daughter come home. She disapproves of my drinking and since my beloved wife passed away, may she rest in peace since now I finally have some peace, my daughter has taken up the gauntlet of keeping me overly sober. She stringly disapproves of my drinking spirits."

Adam laughed and rose from his chair as a lovely young woman, her hair a golden color and with snapping blue eyes came into the room.

"Gentlemen, let me present to you Miss Abigail Weems. She is my daughter's closest friend—and partner in crime." She laughed delightedly at his description of her and glanced at the two men who stood before her in their well-cut suits.

"Oh, Mr. O'Connor." She playfully took his arm and kissed him on his cheek. "You are such a tease."

"Abby here is like my other daughter." He patted her hand on his arm.

Adam and Jess both smiled and greeted her and then O'Connor introduced Adam and Jess.

Adam thought Abigail was lovely and charming and considered that she might be an interesting woman to pursue until another young woman walked into the room with auburn hair and eyes the color of the greenest ocean and for Adam, suddenly no one else was in the room but the two of them. He was entranced by her.

"And this is my daughter Helen." She smiled but when she saw Adam, her mouth dropped slightly open.

Jess introduced himself but Adam found himself at a loss for words. Jess stepped in. "This is my business partner, Adam Cartwright, Miss O'Connor. Obviously, he is the 'silent partner'."

O'Connor, the girls and Jess laughed and Adam felt himself heat up with embarrassment. "Miss O'Connor," he said taking her hand, "may I call you Helen?"

"No," she said. Adam's face dropped but Helen smiled and said coyly, "but you can call me Nell."

"Nell," he said quietly. "It doesn't quite fit you. Nell sounds like a mischievous little girl but you, well, you are as lovely as Helen of Troy."

"Perhaps I'm a bit of both, Mr. Cartwright." She tossed her head flirtatiously. "May I call you Adam?"

"Yes." Adam looked at her and took in everything about her. She had obviously removed her hat in the foyer and Adam noticed the loose tendrils about her face and her cheeks were flushed—whether with the heat of the day or from meeting him was unclear but Adam could visualize her underneath him, looking up at him with her deep green eyes and her lips parted with sated passion. And despite Mr. Marquand and his claim to Nell, Adam wanted to have her.

"Now, Nell," Mr. O'Connor said, "behave yourself, child. Abby, you take my daughter and give her a lesson on how an engaged girl should behave around a bachelor. Now off with you two. I can see Murray there waiting to take your many packages upstairs. You've been buying more clothes, haven't you, Nell?'

"Oh, Papa, you said I could buy what I wanted." She clung to his other arm and pouted.

"A mistake on my part, I'm sure." He kissed his daughter's forehead. "Now go and leave me to conclude my business with these gentlemen."

Both Abby and Nell said how very nice it was to meet Adam and Jess. As the two young women walked out, Nell turned to look back at Adam. "Perhaps we'll see each other again…Adam." And she intentionally hiked up one side of her skirts to reveal a well-shaped ankle and calf. Nell gave Adam a side-long glance, smiling at him and then left the room arm in arm with Abby.

O'Connor shook his head. "That child. I have spoiled her but that's what money is for, to indulge those you love. Now, shall we sign the papers, gentlemen?"


	3. Chapter 3

**III**

Nell practically dragged Abby up the stairs, the butler hurrying after them balancing the boxes that were stacked so high he couldn't see the steps.

"Just put them on the bed, Murray," Nell said impatiently.

"Yes, Miss," he said as the boxes fell onto the bed despite his care. He started to arrange them when Nell stopped him and told him to leave and to close the door behind him. After he was gone, Nell turned to Abby, her face flushed.

"On, Abby, have you ever seen such a beautiful man?" She dramatically put a hand to her heart as if she was going to faint.

"You must mean Adam. You were shameless!" Abby said giggling. "I'm surprised you didn't pounce on him!" Abby giggled at the picture of her friend who was usually the picture of etiquette, throwing herself on the tall, dark man and their falling to the ground in a clutch of arms and legs.

Nell threw herself backwards on the bed, and pushed the boxes beside her on the floor. "Do you think he noticed, Abby? That I was flirting with him, that is. I've never been very good at it but I wanted to let him know that I found him so attractive. Oh, Abby—I'm in love!" Nell hugged herself and closed her eyes, smiling at the thought of the intriguing man she had just met.

Abby sat down on the bed beside her friend, her face now serious. "Nell, you're engaged to Vincent. Remember?"

Nell threw her arms over her head and sighed. "Engagements can be broken."

"You can't be serious? Your wedding is in two months. The ceremony has been arranged, the banns written, the food ordered, your trousseau bought, and the ship passage secured for your honeymoon. Why all the invitations have been sent out and answered—over a hundred people are coming. Nell, Adam Cartwright may be handsome and charming and he was certainly smitten by you but remember, Vincent is handsome too and wealthy—and he adores you."

Nell sat up. "Oh, Abby, but Adam is like a dangerous pirate! I want Adam Cartwright to deflower me—to take me, to…what was that phrase from that cheap novel? Oh, yes, to stab me between the legs with his engorged manhood! I've never felt like this before-ever. Just the thought of him makes me moist. And if Adam doesn't want to marry me, well, I know that women take lovers as men do—I've heard some of the gossip-so I can still marry Vincent and have Adam as well."

Abby stood up, shocked. "Is that what you want—to be the subject of gossip? To shame Vincent so that you can have Adam Cartwright as a lover? He's so much older than you. He's probably been with hundreds of women and knows things that we can't even imagine. No telling what he would do to you."

"Yes," Nell said, her face flushed, her breathing shallow. "Oh, think of it, Abby, the things he knows that he could do to a woman—to me. Oh, Abby, he makes me wanton. I've never really wanted to fall on my back for any man until now, until him. Oh, Abby, did you see his mouth and his shoulders! I would imagine he could move me around on the bed…kiss me with that mouth everywhere on my body—oh, I don't think I can bear it!" Nell sighed heavily and closed her eyes, imagining rapture.

"Nell!' Abby said grabbing her friend by the upper arms. "Think about what you're saying. Don't start something you'll regret."

Nell turned serious and looked sadly at her friend. "Oh, Abby, I'm so afraid that if I don't act now, I'll lose out on him. I don't feel the same way about Vincent as I do about Adam. I thought that that was the way it was with love—you, know, just enjoying kissing and being pleasant and such. I mean I know that love isn't really like it is in those novels we've read; women don't actually faint after intercourse because it's so…ecstatic! But, Abby, I'm still excited over meeting him. He made my heart stop—I swear it."

"Don't make a big mistake, Nell. Forget about Adam Cartwright. He may be handsome but what do you know about him? Nothing. You don't know how he treats women. Maybe he'd just use you and then toss you aside and then, well, no one would want you—you'd be unmarriageable having lost your virtue. You've made one of the best matches in Sacramento, Nell."

Nell sighed and her shoulders dropped and a certain sadness overtook her. "I know you're right." Abby let go of her friend's shoulders. Nell smiled wanly. "Of course, I don't know Adam at all. He may be a bounder and a cad—he's handsome enough to be callous to women. He probably has left a line of weeping women behind him—all with broken hearts and maybe even swollen bellies."

"That's right," Abby said. "But I tell you what; I love you and care so much about your happiness that I'll sacrifice my own virtue to Adam Cartwright to save you from the dishonor. And I'll tell you all about it—and if I fainted!" The two giggled like young girls.

"You're so noble, Abby." Nell said laughing. She stood up and sighed. "Now let's look again at what I bought." And Nell picked a package up and placing it on the bed, pulled off the string. She opened it and pulled out a shimmering negligee and held it up.

Abby made a sound of admiration. "Oh, Vincent will love that on you—or off you!" And they giggled again but Nell was thinking how Adam Cartwright would react if he could see her in the sheer, flimsy piece of silk. And she felt an ache in her low belly that she didn't recognize as desire.

After Abby left, Nell paced her bedroom; she couldn't stop thinking of the man she had met in the parlor. _You're a stupid fool. Why would he want you?_ Nell stopped in front of her large vanity mirror. She knew she was pretty—some people said beautiful and she knew that Adam Cartwright thought she was. It had shown in his eyes, the way he looked at her, smiled at her. Or did she just imagine it because she wanted to see it?


	4. Chapter 4

**IV **

"Well. What do you think?" Jess said as he and Adam arranged the sparse furniture in the shop and cleaned up what was left from the previous tenant—a dressmaker. Their business shingle was being printed, the window painter was to work the next day, and the drafting tables and other necessary pieces of their craft would arrive by the end of the week. Their business cards were being printed—Cartwright & Spence, Architects, Ltd.. Their card would also state that they created original designs as well as renovations and gave their business address, all in elegant type. Jess wanted a house in the background but Adam protested; he wanted it to look serious, as a lawyer's card would. Jess capitulated, first, because he had always admired Adam's vision and had acknowledged to himself years ago that Adam was the more talented of the two. The second reason was because it was Adam's money that was paying for all of it.

The two men had gone straight to the property after O'Connor had signed the contract to lease the building with the option to purchase after one year, something which they intended to do if business allowed. O'Connor had handed over the keys to Adam and he liked the weight of them in his hands.

"I feel as if I'm handing over my daughter to you. You will take care?" O'Connor asked.

"Yes, we will be vigilant custodians." Adam tossed the keys gently in his palm. Keys—they gave one great power.

Adam stood up and surveyed the room, looking at its flow and turned to survey the whole room. "I think this place will do fine," he said in response to Jess' query. "Of course, after we become the de riguer architects of Sacramento," Adam said with a touch of self-deprecation, "perhaps even the whole southwest, we'll probably need to take on some apprentices and knock out that storeroom wall—buy the property next to us as well and break that wall down for the storeroom. We won't be able to find a better-located piece of property—smack in the heart of the best part of the business district."

"That's not what I meant." Jess stared at Adam who looked blank. "O'Connor's daughter, Nell. You haven't said one word about her. You two couldn't have been more obvious and the fact that you haven't said anything makes me worry."

Adam laughed. "There's nothing to say. She's a child. How old do you think she is? 18, 19?"

"She's a grown woman—getting married. And she flirted with you—not with me. Gave you a peek under her skirts as she left."

"If I were younger, I'd be interested in her but as it is, she's just a very pretty girl who I liked looking at." Adam surveyed the area, determined to remain nonchalant about Nell. _She's off limits, boy. Stop thinking about impossible possibilities. _"I think we need to put a partition here to separate the front office from the working area although some people like to see their architect work. Maybe have the top half glass. What do you think?" He turned to Jess.

"I think you're a bull-shitter. I wanted to fuck her and I'm a married man so you can't convince me that you weren't thinking of what she'd be like on her back with her legs spread. Damn, she's like an overripe piece of fruit, all those juices just waiting to be lapped up."

"And," Adam said with a jab of his finger, "that's why you wanted to fuck her—because you are a married man and keep getting the same piece of ass every night." Adam bent down and picked up some dress patterns, tossing them into the barrel used for trash.

Jess smiled. "Well, I'm staying out of trouble and you better as well. Oh, hell. Look who's here? Speak of the devil…the princess arrives."

Adam turned and he saw Nell O'Connor step down from a curricle, a sporty, light buggy, and stand on the sidewalk. She did have an elegant way of holding herself and Adam felt the old familiar longing for a beautiful woman. _Snap out of it, boy._ _She's just a mere slip of a girl. You need to get laid tonight and get over this. _

Nell looked through the windows that still were smeared with having been soaped-up for so long and smiled in a self-satisfied way when she saw the two men inside. She said something to her driver who had jumped down from the seat to help her, and then picked up her skirts to enter. Jess hurried to open the door.

"Come in, Miss O'Connor. What a surprise."

"I hope it's a pleasant surprise." Nell smiled graciously as Jess closed the door behind her. Then her smile faded and she took on a look of wonder as she faced Adam; Nell was at a loss as to what to say.

Adam reverted to the casual, offhand persona he assumed when he was unsure. "You look even lovelier than you did a few hours ago, Nell," Adam said, a slight edge of sarcasm in his voice. "How did you manage it?" He walked up to Nell and took one of her hands and she blushed. He carried her hand to his mouth and kissed the back of her gloved hand.

"Oh…" Nell's other hand flew to her throat.

Adam grinned broadly. She was the loveliest thing he had ever seen, her face so pure and open and she was obviously enraptured; he could see the fine vein in her throat pulse rapidly. He knew how easily he could have her-just one kiss and he would be able to bend her to his will. "What can we do for you, Nell? Just ask."

She pulled her hand away and for a moment, Nell thought she would faint. Margery, her lady's maid had needed to tighten the stays at her waist to almost 18 inches so that she could wear her new dress; she wanted to impress Adam and she knew she looked fetching in it. The green fabric complimented her auburn hair and green-gold eyes. The dress was part of her trousseau but she didn't care that she was wearing it now, wearing it for him.

Adam noticed how pale she had turned and quickly pulled a chair for her to sit in. She did.

"Are you all right?" Adam kneeled at her side. "Jess, water." Jess rushed around and found a glass in a cupboard by the sink in the storeroom. He tried to clean out the grime with his fingers but couldn't so instead, he pulled out his handkerchief, wet it and then rushed back to hand it to the pale girl.

"Thank you," she said, pressing the cool, wet cloth against her neck. "I apologize. It's just silly. It's so warm, you know." She looked into Adam's worried eyes. "Really, I'll be fine." They smiled at one another, Adam indulgently, she gratefully, and he stood up.

Nell felt like a fool. She had meant to sweep into the shop, charm Adam Cartwright and win him over despite what Abby had said to her and what her father would think. But here she had almost passed out just from being in close proximity. She had noticed Adam's maleness even more since his jacket was off, his shirt sleeves rolled up and his collar was open showing a mass of black hair that she knew wound down to his navel and past it—she had stopped herself from imagining where it led or she was sure she would pass out. She cautiously stood.

"Actually, I came to invite you to dinner tomorrow night, Adam." Nell handed the handkerchief back to Jess. "Thank you so much." Then she looked back at him after recovering her composure. She smoothed down her skirts. "You will come, won't you?"

Adam looked at Jess who smiled and looked away so he wouldn't laugh.

"Please say you'll be there."

"Of course I will. When would you like me?"

Nell wanted to reply, "Now! I would like you now!" but instead said, "Since my father turns in early, is 7:00 all right with you?"

"I will be there. I look forward to meeting your Mr. Marquand. I want to congratulate him on his good fortune in having won your hand."

"Oh, well…he won't be there. You don't mind if it's just you and my father and me—I'll invite Abby as well." Nell considered that Adam might have said no so she decided that she would ask Abby to come to dinner—beg her if she had to. The extra person would act as a buffer.

"No, of course I don't mind. I look forward to seeing her."

"Oh, well… " Nell wasn't sure how she felt about Adam being pleased that Abby would be there. "Good." She reached up and slightly adjusted her small hat and then smiled. "We'll expect you at the house a bit before 7:00. Father is very punctual and if you arrive at 7:00 on the dot, well, you'll have to be rushed in and seated while the first course is being served." Nell laughed lightly and Adam couldn't help but respond in kind. She was beautiful and charming and lit up the fusty room that had been devoid of sunlight and the sound of women's laughter for so long.

"All right," Adam said. "I can't think of a more pleasant way to spend an evening." Nell took Adam's arm and he walked her outside and helped her into the small buggy. The driver climbed up but before he snapped his whip to start the horse, Nell said, "Tomorrow night—don't disappoint me!"

"Wouldn't dream of it. Wild horses couldn't keep me away from dinner." Adam waved and then chuckled as he turned back to the shop. Jess stood leaning in the doorway, grinning, his arms crossed.

Then Jess stepped away and said in his best falsetto, "Don't disappoint me." He laughed when Adam looked annoyed.

"I couldn't insult her. I have no intention of staying long." Adam pushed past Jess and grabbed the broom leaning against the wall. He began to sweep.

"Well, Miss Nell didn't ask me to dinner. It was as if I was merely an eavesdropper—or an audience."

Adam shoved the broom at Jess. "Sweep. Maybe it'll keep you from talking so much."

"Sure, Adam" Jess said suppressing a grin. "Anything you say!"


	5. Chapter 5

**V**

Nell stared at herself in the mirror as she brushed out her hair for the night. Her lips still showed the rouge she had used although she had washed it off her cheeks. A bit of the kohl with which she had darkened her lashes also remained. As she reconsidered the evening, she became frustrated and threw her brush across the room. It hit the wall with a satisfactory thud. Her dinner party hadn't turned out at all as she had planned and right now, as she was sitting in her nightgown, having lost her temper with Margery twice already that evening, Adam Cartwright was sitting with her father in the den playing chess, smoking cigars and sipping expensive bourbon and talking about boring business—the same thing they had talked about at dinner. The only positive thing was that Nell learned that Adam came from a ranching family and had two brothers, was born back east and had attended school there and had learned his trade as an apprentice for one of the largest architectural firms in Boston. But she had also learned that he had never married and didn't see himself doing so anytime soon.

Margery, a young woman two years older than Nell, hurried to retrieve the boar bristle brush. "Would you like me to brush your hair, Miss?"

"No, Margery, I do not! If I did, I would have asked you, wouldn't I?" Nell sighed when she saw Margery's hurt face. "I'm sorry, Margery. I'm just in a bad mood. Thank you. I won't need you anymore tonight. Oh, and please take the dress to the laundry tomorrow and point out the wine stains."

"Yes, it's a shame about that. Such a lovely dress but I told you that you shouldn't have worn it. It's too daring for so early in the day and the delicate lace overlay on the bodice is probably ruined…"

"Margery," Nell interrupted her. She had heard nothing from Margery the whole time she had helped her dress her that night except that Miss Nell shouldn't be dressing in such a way for an early dinner and what if something happened to the dress? Hadn't it been purchased for her and Mr. Marquand's European honeymoon? Nell had told her to mind her own business and to just help her dress and then do her hair according to the picture she had clipped from the magazine. "Margery," Nell said again, controlling her annoyance "it isn't ruined at all. Just take the dress and leave...please." Margery picked up the dress that was cut in the most fashionable European style with a daring neckline, curtsied slightly, and left the room.

Nell still sat and stared at her reflection. All her plans had dissolved and she was sure that Adam Cartwright's opinion of her was that she was a foolish, prating, clumsy child. She stared at the novel sitting on the edge of the vanity—_Millicent: A Woman of Lost Virtue Who Found Happiness. _Nell grabbed it and flung it against the wall as well. "For all the good it did me," Nell said to no one but the air. She had read the novel a few months ago and had barely breathed while she read the exploits of the heroine, Millicent, who sold herself to men and yet, the wealthiest client of hers married her and they lived in sexual bliss for the rest of their lives—or at least the ending implied. But the reason that Nell had skimmed the pages again that afternoon was to read the details of how Millicent had seduced so many men, the way she looked at them with smoldering desire in order to make them want her. Then there was the way she touched their thighs and let them look down her cleavage. According to the novel, no man could resist such a woman—but Adam had resisted her—had barely paid any attention to her.

Nell had been excited to see Adam when he had shown up at the door and Murray let him in. She had heard his voice in the foyer and Nell eagerly said, "He's here, Abby. Do I look all right?" Nell stood and spun for her friend. Abby was dressed nicely but she hadn't worn a ball gown as Nell did. Abby had told Nell earlier that she was showing too much bosom and that her hair looked like that of a Roman prostitute due to the braids that wound about the loosely-piled curls.

"I've told you my opinion—the dress is lovely—it's just inappropriate," Abby said. "And that perfume—it's so heavy!" Then she reached out for Nell and pulled her hand. "He's coming in—sit down." Nell sat on the edge of her chair and when Adam Cartwright walked in she rose and went to greet him. Again she was overwhelmed by his mere presence. He was dressed in a simple suit and a white shirt and a tie—but she had noticed that he was wearing shiny, black, square-toed boots.

"Adam," she said putting out her hand, her heart thumping. "So glad that you could come. You remember my friend, Miss Abigail Weems—Abby."

"Yes," Adam said, walking past Nell. "How do you do, Miss Weems. Lovely to see you again." He took Abby's hand and placed his other hand over it and then released it. Nell was thrown; Adam hadn't said anything about her—not how beautiful she looked nor did she see anything in his expression to indicate that he found her irresistible. "Well," Adam said to Nell, "I'm looking forward to seeing your father again but I see he's not here. Am I too early?"

Nell was about to answer when her father waked in the room. "Well, Adam Cartwright! Good to see you again." The men shook hands. "How about a drink before dinner?" Adam said that would be fine and Mr. O'Connor dismissed his daughter and Abby, telling them to go elsewhere while he poured himself and Mr. Cartwright a drink but before the two young women left, he said, "And, Nell, why are you dressed like a high-priced courtesan? Go wipe that rouge off your cheeks."

Nell blushed and Adam attempted, unsuccessfully, to suppress a grin. He looked at her with amusement. Nell didn't know what to say but turned and flounced out of the room trying to maintain her dignity.

"I told you," Abby said in a whisper. "You have time to go change. They'll probably be in there for anther half hour or so."

Nell raised her chin in defiance. "I will not change. I chose this dress for Adam and I'm going to wear it."

But now Nell wished she hadn't. Abby had been her most charming self, flirting with him and Adam was polite and smiled and answered her questions but didn't seem to be particularly interested in her. Nell felt a certain smugness about that. But then, Nell's hopes were crushed. She had tried to garner Adam's attention all through dinner by touching her throat which was supposed to draw his attention to her breasts—at least that's what it said in the novel, but he barely noticed, that is until she accidentally spilled her wine over her bosom and the V-shaped lace inset of the dress. She had been trying to seductively sip the wine but Adam was too busy talking with her father to pay attention. So Nell, cleared her throat and when Adam glanced at her, she couldn't help but let the bowl slip a bit from her grasp—he had looked at her in such a manner, and a portion of the wine spilled over her. The glass dropped from her hand completely and the wine pooled in her lap, soaking through the napkin. Nell stared down at her dress and Murray rushed to assist her but there was nothing he could do—the white napkin he held to offer her, fluttering in his hand like a flag of surrender. He just stood awkwardly asking her if she needed anything but not daring to wipe the wine off her bosom.

"No, no," Nell had said, her voice quivering. She wanted to cry. Her father then chastised her, telling her that she should have worn something more fitting for dinner and then, had it been ruined, it wouldn't be such a tragedy to her. Adam politely continued to eat, removing himself from the situation.

Nell had stood up and Adam rose as well. "Please excuse me," Nell said, trying not to cry. "I've had quite enough to eat. I'll think I'll go upstairs for the evening. Thank you for coming, Mr. Cartwright—Adam."

"Goodnight, Nell. I'm sorry that you are leaving us. You add so much to the company."

Nell said nothing, knowing it was a polite response, and just acknowledged Adam's comment with a small nod and quickly left the room. When she reached the stairs, Nell broke out in tears of humiliation. She ran up them, tripping once over her skirts and barking her shins on the edge of a stair. Once in her room, Nell threw herself on the bed and cried into her crossed arms. Adam Cartwright was lost to her forever for as handsome, educated and worldly as he was, he would never want a clumsy, gauche, awkward girl who didn't even know how to dress or drink wine. Within a few moments, there was a light knock on the door and Abby asked if she could come in.

"Yes. Please come in." Nell sat up and wiped the tears off her cheeks.

"Oh, Nell," Abby said, sitting on the bed and hugging her friend. "I'm so sorry about your dress."

"Oh, did Adam laugh at me? He must think I'm an idiot!"

"No, he didn't laugh. Your father was going to say something—started to but Adam diverted him, asking about—I don't know—something about the railways. Something about his family and timber—I wasn't really listening."

"You should go back down," Nell said. "Don't miss out because of me and my stupid dress and my clumsiness. Oh, I think it's ruined! And it was so beautiful!" Nell stood up and held out her skirt for Abby to see the large spot.

"Maybe the laundry can do something with it, Nell, but I hope you've given up any ideas about Adam Cartwright—even though he didn't flirt with me, he didn't flirt with you either."

"I know—you don't have to remind me. He has no interest in me—but earlier he was so…so…"

"Polite?" Abby cocked her head to one side.

"Do you think that's what it was? That he was just being polite?"

"And gallant. Anyway, it's time I left. I've eaten all I can and I don't want to sit there all alone and listen to them talk about wood—and whatever that has to do with the railroad." She stood up. "Turn around and I'll unhook you. I'll find Margery and tell her to come up and help you for bed." Abby deftly unhooked the long line of hooks and loops down the back of the dress.

"Thank you, Abby. I'm glad you were here. Tell Margery you're ready to leave and she'll tell Dawson and he'll drive you home; he was going to leave the buggy hitched."

So the friends kissed each other goodbye. But that was earlier in the evening and now Nell was disappointed, her hopes for the grand seduction of Adam Cartwright shattered and although she knew that she should forget about Adam, she couldn't. Not yet, not while he was still so fresh in her mind with his sardonic grin and deep laugh and gentle eyes. She crawled under her coverlet and imagined herself in Adam Cartwright's embrace. How wonderful it would be to have him with her every night and every day. Yes, she would win him yet—she had too. Somehow.


	6. Chapter 6

**VI**

Nell woke up suddenly alert; it was as if someone had called her name or tapped her on the shoulder. She looked at the mantle clock, a ceramic clock covered with painted flowers. She had owned it since she was a small child. It was exactly 4:30 a.m. She climbed out of bed and stood for a moment. She must have been dreaming, she decided, but the answer was so obvious. She would go to Adam Cartwright's hotel room and tell him that she loved him—if her courage didn't fail. But what she hoped would happen was that he would tell her that he loved her, was madly in love with her and sweep her up and take her maidenhead on the hotel bed. She closed her eyes and thought of it. How sweet it would be to hear him whisper her name, kiss her mouth and her neck…Nell shivered with anticipation. And then…Nell wasn't quite sure how Adam would take her and she also wasn't quite sure how she would like being so exposed to him, to allow him access to her body; she just knew that she did want it and that she wanted him.

A few times in the bathtub, Nell had used her fingers to explore herself and wondered if a man's penis was different. She had never seen a naked man, only a few statues but their privates were usually covered by a leaf—a small leaf so she didn't really expect much. That is until she began to covertly read the trashy novels that the girls at school shared, hidden in their other text books. In those, the man had organs as large as a stud bull and when penetrated, some of the heroines swooned, others cried out in ecstasy, their eyes rolling back in their heads, and some cried out metaphorically that they 'died'. Nell was young and naïve but she wasn't stupid. As a girl, she partly hoped that the man she would finally love enough to marry would be as well-endowed—and then she didn't. In her heart, Nell wanted more to be cherished than anything else but now that she had met Adam Cartwright, she also knew that although her heart may want one thing—tenderness and adoration, her body was screaming for something else.

Nell quickly dressed—a simple day dress, a shawl about her shoulders. She also fixed her hair simply since she didn't want to wake up Margery to assist her; the fewer people who knew she was leaving this early, the better. She sat at her vanity and looked at herself. The sun was beginning to come up and soon, the house would come back to life and she wanted to be gone by then. Nell reached for her face powder and lightly touched her nose, chin and forehead. She took up her atomizer and spritzed herself with perfume—it smelled like hyacinths and bluebells and a fresh spring rain. The scent had come from a perfumery in England and she had needed to send to New York for it but it was worth it. Vincent once said that all he needed was to smell it and it brought to his mind Nell's beauty and her smile. Yes, she thought. The scent would be better for Adam than the musky, heavy perfume she had worn last night.

With one last look at her dress and hair, Nell perched her hat on her head and secured it with a hat pin. Now she was ready. She snatched up her leather gloves and crept out the back of the kitchen to the garage.

Nell lifted the bar across the doors and slid back one. Inside was the brougham that her father used and the curricle. She went to the room at the back and knocked on the door. Within a few seconds, Dawson came to the door. When he saw it was Nell he quickly hiked up his suspenders and smoothed back the lock of hair.

"Miss O'Connor. What can I do for you?"

"Hitch up the curricle; I have someplace to go."

"Yes, ma'am. Just give me a moment to get my jacket and cap…"

"That won't be necessary. I'm driving myself."

"But, Miss, your father has always said that…"

"Dawson, do as I ask. I'll answer to my father for what I do. Now hurry." Nell watched as the man hurried to get the little mare used for the curricle and to hook up the traces and reins. Finally Dawson had finished and gave the curricle over to Nell.

"And where are you going—in case your father asks?" Dawson hated to have to face Mr. O'Connor. When it came to his daughter, he was like a lion.

"I'm going to see a friend," Nell said and snapped the reins. As she drove away, Nell considered. _I should have told him that I'm going to find a husband—Adam Cartwright._

Nell charmed the desk clerk and he gave her Adam's Cartwright's room number even though it was standard practice to let the guest know that someone was calling; then the guest could either come down to the lobby to greet them, have the guest sent up or refuse them. But the lovely, young girl couldn't possibly have posed a threat and he was sure that Mr. Cartwright wouldn't refuse her entrance—not someone so enchanting.

Adam heard a knock. He had been lightly dozing, having woken up, considered whether or not to rise and start his day. He had to piss but hadn't yet been able to rouse himself enough to use the pot and besides, he was too hard. It was a curse that began when he was about eleven. One morning his father noticed how his young son was trying to relieve himself but couldn't due to his morning erection.

"It's the Cartwright curse, son," Ben had said to his struggling son, tongue-in-cheek. "Cartwright men always wake up hard. Sometimes, you just have to take yourself in hand and work it off." Ben had winked at Adam and left him alone and within a few minutes, Adam had resolved the issue. And Ben laughed to himself. Adam was quite the boy who one day, if he had a hot-blooded wife, would also have a lucky wife.

Adam rose from bed and pulled on his robe, pulling it across him before he tied it; his full bladder demanded attention and he hoped that whoever it was wouldn't want much. He opened the door and saw Nell O'Connor standing there, as pure and bright as a ray of sunshine. And he practically groaned as he became harder. _Damn, I'll never piss at this rate._

"What the hell are you doing here?" Adam was too uncomfortable and too tired to bother with social amenities.

"I need to talk to you. Please?" Nell looked at him and her heart swelled. So this was how Adam looked in the morning. His hair was tousled and the neck of his robe revealed even more chest. And except for the thickness of his night's growth of stubble, he looked boyish.

"Nell. My mouth tastes like cigar ash, my head is throbbing from too much of your father's Kentucky bourbon and it's too early for me to entertain a guest. I'll be at the shop later; stop by there if what you have to say is so blamed important. Now if you'll excuse me…" He started to close the door. He needed to be rid of her as quickly as possible. He didn't want to be alone with her in his hotel room as she seemed too easily persuaded and he could easily be in the mood to persuade.

Nell slipped past him under his arm and Adam turned, surprised. "Nell!" He realized he wasn't going to be rid of her easily. He looked out in the hall and satisfied himself that no one could report the man in room 20 had snuck in a girl.

"Oh, Adam, I had to come see you. I couldn't let you go on with such a bad opinion of me—and, Adam, oh, Adam, I do love you so. I have to tell you as I can't keep it to myself anymore."

Nell looked so love-sick that Adam felt his heart break for her. She was so sincere in her adoration of him that Adam knew that she was trouble—trouble for him because as young as she was, he had entertained ideas of holding her in his arms and kissing her mouth, her neck and her bosom while he ran his hands up her skirts. It would be so easily to topple her on her back; Nell was so vulnerable.

"Nell, listen to me." Adam held her by her upper arms. She was so small and delicate that he was a bit surprised at how she felt in his hands.

"No, Adam, listen to me! I've loved you since the moment I first saw you—don't hush me, I have to say this or I'll never have peace. I know that all you have to say is that you don't care for me and it will break my heart but…oh, Adam, just give yourself a chance to love me. I'll be such a good wife…"

"Wife? Nell," Adam said giving her a slight shake, "look at me. Really look at me. I haven't looked in the mirror yet this morning but I can imagine that I have bags under my eyes, need a shave and I know I need a good wash. Nell, I'm a man like any other man—no better than your Mr. Marquand—and probably worse. I curse and I spit upon occasion and right now, all I can think of is that I have to relieve myself." Adam released her. "Now if you'll excuse me, Miss O'Connor, I need the chamber pot."

"Oh," Nell said, embarrassed. "I'm…of course, I hadn't considered…will you join me in the restaurant for breakfast. Oh, please, Adam?"

Adam sighed in defeat. "Al right, Nell. Take a table downstairs and I'll be there as soon as I wash and shave."

"Promise?"

"I promise, I swear it, just please…" Adam turned her around and Nell looked back up to him as he gave her a gentle shove out the door to the hall.

"I'll order coffee for us," she said eagerly.

"Yes, you do that," Adam said and closed the door on her lovely face. But the Cartwright curse was heavily upon him and he groaned. It was going to take a bit longer for him to reach comfort but then he stared thinking about Nell and her youthful beauty and it worked. Soon he was washing and then shaving. He pulled out his casual clothes for later he was going to clean the shop and meet the workers. But now he was going to meet Nell in the restaurant. He gave himself one last glance. "What she sees in you, boy, I'll never know."


	7. Chapter 7

**VII**

Nell broke her engagement to Vincent Marquand that afternoon when he visited despite the fact that Adam had given her no encouragement at their shared breakfast. Vincent asked Nell what it was that caused her to end it. Had he not been adequately attentive? He had certainly been busy lately and if he had given the impression that he was losing interest, he was most sorry. Nell assured him that he had been the most perfect fiancé but she had of late realized that she didn't love him and therefore, their marriage would have been a travesty.

Vincent had been confused. Love will come later, he said. They were well-matched, the two of them and what would he tell his parents and his friends? He asked her to reconsider—think for a few days before she announced it; he would return for her final answer in two days. And Vincent kissed her lovingly on the cheek. Nell smiled gently, almost crying—Vincent had always been kind and thoughtful and she knew she was lucky but Nell felt that she would be cheating not just herself, but Vincent as well if she married him.

Adam Cartwright was also a confused man. He couldn't deny that he was attracted to Nell—any man would be and she had done her best to signal her interest in him and now she had declared it. But in a manner, Adam felt it was ridiculous. Older men having young wives was not unusual. Wives in this part of the country where survival was a constant struggle made quick work of the fairer sex and many wives died in childbirth or from disease or just, it seemed, because dying was easier than living. Men looked for younger women to replace their lost partners and provide more children and a body at night but Adam never considered himself of that ilk. And Nell was young and had no idea what a full physical relationship would entail; of that, Adam was certain. "Nell, do you really have any idea what it would be like to be married—especially married to me?" Adam was determined to talk sense into her.

The waitress lingered as she refreshed Adam's cup of coffee. From the few times she had been to the table of the dark-haired man and the dewy, young woman who looked at him with such adoration, she gathered that he was trying to convince the woman not to love him. That was interesting enough in itself but the fact that she herself found him attractive, made them of even more interest to her.

"I do know what it would be like…"

Adam placed his hand on Nell's and then looked up at the waitress.

"Oh, I as just going to ask you if the food was okay—you haven't eaten anything." The waitress said.

"No, the food's fine," Adam said.

Nell sat, waiting and thrilling at Adam's hand on hers. She noticed the difference in their skin tones, his was darker and his hand was so much bigger than hers with long, elegant fingers—those of an architect, she thought. Nell also noticed the slight dark hairs and she shivered slightly at the evidence of his manliness.

The waitress left and Adam turned back to Nell, releasing her hand.

"No, Nell, you don't know." Adam stated. "You probably think it's just laughter and flowers and light, but there's always a dark side."

"I know we will be happy. Adam, I would do anything to make you happy. Going to sleep beside you, having you hold me in your arms and waking up next to you—oh, Adam, I can't think of a lovelier life. And I know you would be a wonderful husband—kind and good and generous."

Adam shook his head and sighed. He had to think of something and then it dawned on him-what better than the truth?

"Nell, I have to disabuse you of your schoolgirl notions now. You don't know me," he continued in a low voice. "You think it would be grand and romantic to bed down with me every night but you don't know what hungers I have. I do want you, Nell, you are the tastiest morsel I've seen in years, but I'd swallow you whole, bend you to my will and use you to satisfy myself. Then, in the morning, I'd take you again, just as roughly. Did you fantasize about that? Did you think the birds would sing outside our window as I gently made love to you? It's not like that—life isn't like that and neither is sex. It's usually a quick satisfying of a nagging urge because life won't wait for leisurely lovemaking. You need to grow up, Nell. You're only a girl. Grow up and understand what strong feelings drive a man to take a woman."

Nell pushed her chair back and pulled herself as straight as she could, her lip quivering and Adam feared she was going to cry. He immediately regretted being so candid.

"I'm soon to be 19. My mother was married to my father at 14 and I was born just a month shy of her 16th birthday. Perhaps I am naïve and perhaps I do put graces and virtues on you that you don't own because I think so much of you, because I love you so but I _am_ a woman grown and I know what I want. I don't want Vincent—I will not marry him. I can't bear the thought of spending my life with him as I don't feel toward him the way I feel about you. You can put all the slanders on yourself that you want but it doesn't change a thing." Nell stood up and Adam rose as well. "Goodbye, Adam. If you don't come calling on me, it will be the biggest mistake of your life as you will never find anyone who will love you as much as I do."

Adam was speechless and Nell, her head held high, walked out of the hotel restaurant. As soon as she climbed into her curricle and took the reins in hand, a sob escaped her and then the tears fell down her cheeks as she drove back home.

Adam directed the window-sign painter as to exactly how he wanted the window to look, the flourishes had to be elegant—not too flowery and the names should be large but not overwhelming; after all, they also had a shingle. Jess had sketched out the design for the names on the window and Adam showed it to the painter.

"Very good, sir," the painter said and began to create the template on the glass. Adam looked around the vast room. Jess was at a drafting table making his first design in the new office—the partition to separate the main office from the rest of the room. The thin wall hiding the former fitting rooms had to be removed and Adam picked up a sledge hammer resting against the wall; he wanted to hit something.

Jess had already asked him about his dinner at the O'Connor's but all Adam would say is that it was fine. He didn't mention Nell coming to his room and how he had told her bluntly that marriage with him was a bad idea. So Jess, who had rarely seen Adam in a bad mood, left him alone, not asking about Nell. He had planned on teasing Adam about her crush on him but thought better of it, especially when Adam swung the sledge hammer and half the wall fell away, the wood splintering.

"What'd that wall ever do to you?" Jess asked.

"If something's got to go, no sense in wasting time." Adam swung again and the rest of the partition cracked and fell away from the supporting wall.

All that afternoon, Adam was tense. He found himself glancing through the large front show window at passing women, expecting to see Nell's lovely face. By four in the afternoon, Adam knew that he hoped that Nell would show. But she hadn't and since Jess had invited Adam home for dinner with him and his wife as he often did, when they locked shop for the day, Adam walked with Jess down the streets until they reached his modest house that was on a narrow dirt street.

"Adam," Bee Spence said, "hope you like eggplant; I made my mother's recipe for moussaka." Her name was Niobe but Jess had taken to calling her Bee. Once he had joked to Adam that the real reason he called her Bee was because when she was mad, he felt the point of her stinger.

And Bee, who had a bawdy sense of humor—along with an unfortunate amount of dark fuzz on her upper lip and cheeks, "Maybe if I felt the point of your stinger a little more often, I'd be in a better mood."

So the friends ate and talked about the shop and when Bee would start as their receptionist and then as Bee washed up the dishes, Adam and Jess shared some more wine and sat at the now-cleared dining table.

"What's bothering you, Adam? You haven't really been yourself all day—a little jumpy."

Adam swirled the dark liquid in his glass, took a swig and started. "Miss Nell O'Connor came to my hotel room at the crack of dawn this morning to tell me she loved me and insisted we have breakfast downstairs."

Jess was amused but surprised. "You're shittin' me!"

"I wish I were. She wants to marry me. I have the impression that Nell has always gotten whatever she wanted, whether it was the best thing for her or not; all she has to do is ask. I did my best to discourage her—listed a few of my faults at breakfast but she didn't seem to believe me. And, to make things worse, I think I hurt her feelings."

"Probably for the best."

"I'm trying to convince myself of that. Nell rose up like Venus rising from the sea—as fresh and clean and so very beautiful and told me that no one would ever love me as she does. How's that? And then she marched out and…I expected her to come by the shop today but she didn't. I feel like a cold-hearted bastard."

"Let me ask you something, Adam, do you love her?" Jess had watched his friend's face, saw that Adam was struggling with his true feelings.

"Love her? I don't know—I don't think so. In a way, I suppose I do. I mean how can any man resist a woman who says she adores him? And when she's as nubile and tempting as Nell, well, it's difficult to separate plain goddamn lust from love." Adam poured himself another drink. "What is this stuff?"

"Xinomavro—Bee's father sends us a case or two every so often. It's a bit acidic but I like it."

"Metaphorically, we could say…" Adam raised his glass and then took a sip, "a bitter wine for a bitter man." Adam chuckled at his pun. But Jess was worried. He didn't like seeing Adam in one of his dark moods so he pulled out a deck of cards, called Bee in and they played cards while Adam drank too much and Bee and Jess exchanged worried looks. Finally, they convinced Adam to sleep on their settee as he was really too drunk to wander back to the hotel through the streets of Sacramento. So Adam spent the night there, dreaming of Nell as a cold, marble statue; he was Pygmalion who had fallen in love with his Galatea who didn't respond to his caresses or his hot tears of frustration. And when he woke, Adam knew he had to see Nell.


	8. Chapter 8

**VIII**

He didn't know where he was at first but Adam felt as if his head was in a tightening vise—his temples throbbed.

"About time you woke up and hauled your drunken ass off my settee. C'mon, Bee's got coffee ready." Jess stood over him and Adam groaned as he sat up and dropped his head in his hands.

"Why did you let me drink all that goddamn wine? I'm surprised I didn't piss myself. What kind of friend are you, anyway." Adam tentatively stood while Jess grinned in enjoyment. "Coffee, huh? It better be strong."

"You let Bee see you in that condition," Jess said indicating Adam's crotch, "and she'll toss me out and drag you to the bedroom."

"Oh, the Cartwright curse my pa always called it." Adam reached down and adjusted himself; he suddenly remembered that he had dreamed of Nell and the emotions in his dreams came back to him—the sense of yearning and then loss. "It'll go down—give me time." He walked with Jess into the kitchen and his stomach revolted at the smell of frying bacon. He quickly sat at the white wooden table and apologized to Bee for getting so drunk but refused any food, just sat drinking the hot coffee she placed before him. He was queasy but it eased and he managed to eat a piece of dry toast.

Jess left for the shop and Adam needed to get to his hotel room to shave and change clothes so the two caught a hack at the end of the dirt road where it met with a main thoroughfare—Adam said that he couldn't bear walking in the sun and had it always been that bright? Jess again laughed at Adam's misery.

"Any woman who has that effect on a man, drives him to drink to forget her, well, that's the kind of woman a man can't forget."

"When did you fancy yourself a philosopher?" Adam asked, leaning his head back, his eyes closed as the hack traveled the streets.

"Tell me it's not true."

"Right now, I couldn't tell you what color horseshit is."

In the late morning, Abby rushed to her friend's house; Vincent Marquand had just left from visiting her and actually cried because the day before, Nell wanted to cancel their engagement. Vincent begged Abby to tell him the real reason why Nell was breaking off with him as she had simply said that she didn't love him. Abby comforted Vincent and promised she would talk to Nell as soon as he left. Vincent thanked her profusely and said that he would leave then and would stop by later to see what Nell had said.

Abby walked briskly with single-minded purpose. She was furious with Nell. Of, course, she knew that Nell was infatuated with Adam Cartwright and so Abby briefly regretted not having told Vincent that Nell had fallen for an older man, someone who cared not one whit about her. Nell would have deserved it, Abby thought. After all, Vincent obviously adored her and Nell was willing to toss him aside for something so unsure. Nell was just spoiled—grabbing at everything she could and pushing aside one of the best men she could find for who? Abby sighed. For one of the most attractive men she had ever seen. Abby wished she didn't understand but she did; Vincent was predictable but Adam was like playing with fire—one might be burned but the flame was a delicious form of pain. Abby walked faster; thinking of Adam Cartwright made her desperate to find out what had happened.

"No need to announce me, Murray. Where is Miss Nell?" Abby pulled off her gloves and held them in one hand.

"In the sitting room, Miss." Abby nodded and made her way to the room where Nell sat quietly working a cross-stitch, holding the hoop in one hand while she calmly worked the needle through the pattern.

"Abby," Nell said smiling and standing up to kiss her friend. "Come. Sit. What can I offer you? Lemonade?" Murray was waiting in the doorway. Abby agreed on lemonade and Murray bowed slightly and left. "Now I know you've come to chastise me, haven't you? I can see it in your face? Has Vincent been to see you?"

"Yes. He was crying, Nell, crying at the thought of losing you. How can you do this to him? Has Adam Cartwright proposed to you? Well, has he?"

"No," Nell said quietly. "I did tell him I loved him but he…he tried to discourage me. He's given me no hope that he'll call on me, that he's even interested in me, except that, well, he did tell me I was desirable."

"You told him you loved him? When?" Abby was shocked that Nell hadn't come to confide in her; they had never held anything back from each other, revealing their first loves, their first kisses and their first urges as women and the type of lover they would want should thy ever have one. They had giggled together over what intercourse would be like, what it would be like to have a man push his erection between their legs and what it could feel like. Would it hurt? Would it be pleasurable? And they had discussed their idea of what a husband should be, the perfect husband and up to now, that had been Vincent Marquand—looks, money and breeding. And Nell had won him and now she was blithely tossing him aside.

Murray came in pushing a cart that held their lemonade and a plate of sugared cookies. Nell thanked him and he left and when she was sure he was out of hearing range, she leaned over and practically whispered to Abby, "I went to his hotel room yesterday morning."

Abby gasped. "Nell, whatever possessed you to do such a thing? How scandalous!"

"Oh, Abby, I had to—had to tell him I loved him and I want to marry him. I wanted him to know how I felt. And then we had breakfast." Nell's expression changed. "He said that I was too young to know what marriage entailed, especially marriage with him. He made himself sound…sound like some beast, said that he would 'bend me to his will'. He wouldn't have to bend me to his will, I'd submit. Oh, Abby, I yearn for him. I feel things that, well, I'm ashamed at how wanton I feel. I feel lustful. I think I would let him take me even if he left me afterwards. I could marry Vincent if I knew what it was like to be with Adam. Those memories would last me my whole life."

Abby stood up. "Nell, I won't hear any more of this! Vincent wants me to explain to him why you want to break off—shall I tell him this? Shall I say that you've pinned your hopes on some man who's practically a stranger just because…because he's handsome? Don't be a fool. You have everything! Everything and you want more. Think what you'll be losing!"

Nell was about to answer when Murray came in. "A Mr. Adam Cartwright to see you, Miss Nell."

Nell exchanged glances with Abby. "I don't believe it," Abby said.

"Have him come in," Nell said and grabbed Abby's arm. "He's come to call on me, Abby. He loves me—I know it."

Adam walked in, his hat in his hand looking a bit sheepish. Nell drew herself up and went to him, smiling, her hands outstretched. "Oh, Adam, I knew you'd come. I knew it!"

"Nell, I…" He glanced quickly at Abby who looked surprised. "Miss Weems," he said acknowledging her. Adam took Nell's hands and he was surprised when she tip-toed and kissed him on the mouth. "Nell, please, we need to talk about…"

"Of course, you want to tell me you love me. I know you do, Adam and oh, I love you so."

Adam shook his head and then smiled. "I swear, Nell, you are the most confounded woman…" He looked at her, at the obvious love in her eyes and Adam suddenly wanted to be as wonderful as she thought he was. So he took her in his arms and kissed her. Nell responded as a grown woman would; she twined her arms about his neck and yielded her mouth to him while she pressed against him, feeling his desire for her manifest itself. "Nell, Nell," he said, pulling away slightly. "Please, listen to me…damn it, woman but you are beautiful." He pulled Nell to him again, kissing her mouth and her cheek and bending to kiss her neck.

Abby cleared her throat. "Obviously, I'm in the way. Excuse me." She walked out of the room and left the house and walked back home, passing others as determined to get to their individual destinations as was she. And in her mind she was composing just what she would tell Vincent Marquand when he came to call again.


	9. Chapter 9

**IX**

Adam felt life had never been better—it made him leery. The architectural business of Cartwright and Spence was booming along with Sacramento and its environs. Bee manned the front office and did thee bookkeeping and Adam, after many interviews, hired an apprentice to do the less complicated designs. One of the partners, if not both of them, would go on-sight to give estimates on renovations and they would have consultations with a new customer at least once a week. Adam made contacts with the building contractors and a shipping line that would quickly import European supplies such as marble. Jess and he also contracted with an agent who lived in France and could travel across the continent to secure specific items. But Adam had a talent for making new pieces such as stair bannisters look aged and of much more value than they were in case the client had a small reserve of money for such things. Nevertheless, Cartwright and Spence would not compromise on quality.

And Adam cherished his wife, Nell. Each morning when he looked at her as she rose from bed, he was enthralled with her loveliness and light spirit. They laughed often together and she fulfilled his every desire.

The wedding had been quick and relatively small with just a few family friends of Mr. O'Connor's such as Abby and her parents, Jess and Bee, Nell's father and Ben Cartwright in attendance; Hoss and Joe were on a trail drive.

And despite having lost a potential son-in-law from one of the wealthiest families in Sacramento, Clancy O'Connor was pleased to hand his daughter over to Adam—a man who worked "not just with his hands but with his brain as well." O'Connor said. "I always had a lack of respect for Vincent in that he never had to work for what he had. A man has to work for something to know its value. Just be sure, child, that Adam knows your worth; I hope you haven't already given him what he should get only after the vows."

Nell had blushed but Adam laughed loudly and he and O'Connor shook hands. "I hope you know what you're gettin', son. You would save yourself a great deal of trouble if you turn her over your knee upon occasion, something I've never had the heart to do. So Nell has learned how to get what she wants from me with a few sweet words and a few kisses—and I would fancy she gets to you the same way."

"One kiss and I willingly do her bidding," Adam said, grinning. Nell, told them both that she had had quite enough of their talking about her and left to speak to her wedding guests who were at the house for dinner. After she left them, O'Connor took Adam's arm and drew him aside.

"I…well, Adam," O'Connor seemed unsure how to broach his subject, "my daughter, I was joking but there is a kernel of truth; all I ever wanted was for Nell to be happy and so I indulged her. After her mother passed, well, except for a hired nurse who helped raise her, she has had no mother, no other influential woman in her life except Mrs. Weems, Abby's mother and a flightier, more puddin'-headed woman, I don't think exists. Nell can be infuriating and many a time I've had to correct her—well, I tried but when she looks sad, my heart breaks. Promise me, son, you will be good to her, kind to her. She is my only child and I entrust her to you but Nell, she is so young, so clean…if you know my meaning." O'Connor seemed close to tears.

Adam placed a hand on O'Connor's shoulder. "I know well what you mean. I've argued with myself over marrying her—not because I haven't grown to love her—I have—I love Nell a great deal. But she hasn't really lived, hasn't been hurt by life and I find that I want to protect her from all pain and any suffering. I know I really can't, but I swear to try my damnedest."

O'Connor smiled, his eyes misty. "Let's go have a drink to that, my boy. An Irishman always closes his deals with a handshake and a good whiskey. I pass on that damn champagne. Get your father and join me in my den. I'll pull out the best I have."

Adam agreed and went to get his father who was in the middle of a conversation with some of the men. Adam had to admire how his gray-haired father stood out from the other men, most of whom had paunches and double chins but then they worked in offices and weren't out challenging themselves every day as his father was. And Ben wore his clothes well—a gray suit jacket with a vest of gray and light pink brocade. But Adam hesitated; his father had spoken to him in private in the hotel and had expressed his trepidation at what he termed, Adam's "atypical spontaneity."

"And how well do you know her?" Ben had asked.

"Pa…all right, I don't know her very well but what I do know is mighty attractive."

"There's more to a woman than beauty, Adam, but that brings up something else—she's so young."

Adam paused then and his voice dropped. "I know. I've thought about that, about things fifteen years down the line, twenty years, but who knows that I'll even be alive a year from now. Pa, I adore Nell, I really do and what's most important—she loves me. I don't feel that I deserve to be loved by her but she does and she's so happy just to be with me. Do you know what that feels like? To have someone bloom with happiness just because they can be with you?"

Ben sighed and paced while Adam buttoned his vest. "Yes. I know what it's like. It's as if the whole world has a special glow." Ben smiled sadly at Adam. "Your mother—she loved me that way. I would return from sea and she would be waiting on the dock. I usually saw her before she saw me and as small as she was, she would have to stand on tip-toe to see over people. I would start to laugh—she was so earnest in searching me out."

Adam noticed the far-away look in his father's eyes, as if he was back on the dock in Boston, the sea spray misting the air and the bustle of people around him while he searched for the woman he was to marry—and she searched for him.

"And then our eyes would finally meet and it was as if the clouds parted and the sun came out. That was pure joy, to see your mother's smile and I would grin at her determination as she pushed through the crowd to get to me. She was a determined woman—very determined to marry me. But there has never been—not with anyone else—another experience like that." Ben smiled at Adam and clapped him on the shoulder. "So you see, I know. And your mother was young as well—a mere girl of seventeen and I older and far more experienced but yet, the time we had together was bliss. I do know what you're experiencing, Adam, but I want you to be sure. Be very sure that Nell is the one."

Adam looked at his father; he had never seen that side of him before. "Thank you, Pa. You've never told me that type of thing about my mother." And then he grinned. "But Nell tells me she is the one for me and in the face of that, what can I say?"

Ben chuckled. "I suppose not much. I want you happy, son. I want you so happy that you'll think that it must be a dream. That's what I want for you—for each day to be paradise for you and for Nell to take care of you—and you, her."

"Pa, don't worry so much. I know what I'm doing despite how quick it all seems." And Adam shrugged on his dress jacket. "Ready to go?" he asked.

"Yes," Ben said but he still worried. He had often wondered if Elizabeth had lived, how happy they would have been. It was something he would never know. And that in itself was sad.


	10. Chapter 10

**X**

Due to the obligations of his business, Adam hadn't been able to take Nell on a honeymoon but she said she didn't care and it appeared to Adam that she didn't. But then each night with her was like a honeymoon; Adam learned new ways to thrill her and Nell discovered ways to please him. But in time for their wedding night Adam had taken a suite at the hotel and intended to bed Nell in a leisurely manner, taking great care to soothe her and relax her but Nell was eager, much to Adam's delight and her passion for him surprised him—and amused him in a manner. She readily wrapped herself about him and he enjoyed her—more than he had any other woman. Her pure pleasure in him, her willingness and fervency to experience all physical delights made him double his efforts to give her fulfillment. And for the first time, Adam felt that he was fully the center of someone's love and attention.

Their first night the lay together, Nell's head on his chest his arm around her as sleep began to overtake them, Nell raised her head. She couldn't get enough of looking at him.

"Adam?" Nell asked.

"Hmm?" He felt heavy and sated; all he wanted was to sleep with his new wife in his arms.

"You remember when I came to your hotel room that morning?"

"Yes, I certainly do. That's when I found out you were a brazen hussy." He smiled as she lightly slapped his chest but then she hugged him again and kissed his chest.

"I would have lain with you then—that very morning."

Adam shifted his position slightly. "Well, you should have told me—I would have tipped you over."

"Tipped me or tupped me?" she asked, giggling. Adam laughed. Nell had a bit of naughtiness about her that he found endearing. "Would you really have taken me?" Nell sat up and Adam opened his eyes. Each time he looked at her, her beauty amazed him. He couldn't decide if it was because he loved her that she was so achingly lovely or if others saw her with the same eyes—but he decided it didn't matter. For him, she was magical as if his love threw a glamour over her.

"No." He saw the look of disappointment in her face despite the darkness of the room.

"Why not? You said that I was he only woman you truly wanted."

Adam closed his eyes again. "Lie down, Nell and go to sleep."

"But why wouldn't you have taken me?"

Adam sat up. "I wouldn't have taken you because you weren't ready. And it would have been wrong. Every day since then, I have fallen more and more in love with you; I didn't love you that morning, at least not even a fraction of what I do now. I want you to remember this—I've been in love before, a few times seriously…" Nell started to speak but Adam shushed her. "Don't ask about the other women because they're all in the past. This is now and we have each other. Don't raise up ghosts of dead romances. Now c'mon, let's go to sleep." He pulled her closer to him as they lay down and soon he could hear the light sip of her breathing but it was awhile before his mind quieted enough to sleep.

The first year of Adam and Nell's marriage was blissful; Nell adored him more every day and he, her. They lived in the hotel until, after eight months, the house that Adam designed was completed. Adam laughed as Nell danced through the rooms, not yet crowded with furniture.

"Oh, Adam it's beautiful," she said as she ran to him and he swung her in his arms. She kissed him and then with a naughty grin asked. "Shall we christen our new house?"

"And what is your suggestion?" Adam kissed her nose. "You couldn't be suggesting that I take you here on the wooden floor?"

"Couldn't I be? Wouldn't you like to?"

"I always want to but my knees on that hard floor…how about against the wall?"

Nell laughed with delight. "Oh, yes! We've never done that." So Adam picked her up, carried her over to the wall while she kissed his neck giggling.

"Oh, so you think you're being daring, do you?" He pushed up her skirts as he pressed her against the wall, her ankles locked about his waist.

"I'll be whatever you want," Nell said, turning serious. "I'll be your adventurous whore, I'll be your eternal love, I'll be your compliant servant and do your bidding no matter what it is." She stroked his cheek and ran her fingers through his dark hair. "I'll be anything as long as I'm yours." And Nell kissed him with a desire that had grown rampant over the past months. Adam felt himself want her, want her more than he had even just a few moments ago. Nell was his and she had willingly become so.

"I'll always love you, Nell," he murmured as their mouths parted and then she gasped and threw her head back to better enjoy the pleasure that was coming and the feel of his hot mouth on her neck.

A few months later, Clancy O'Connor suddenly and quietly died. The butler, Murray, had gone into the den to ask him if he needed anything more before he himself turned in and found his employer slumped in his overstuffed chair—dead.

Nell was distraught and Adam helped her navigate all the legalities. Nell became a wealthy woman on her own; she gave more money to Murray than what had original been bequeathed and he thanked her profusely as it was enough to guarantee a comfortable life for him. Nell also gave a goodly portion to the cook, Mrs. Chevy, a plump, red-faced woman, who couldn't stop crying about how much she would miss Mr. O'Connor, what a wonderful man he had been and Adam had a slight suspicion that perhaps she satisfied all of Clancy O'Connor's hungers. Nell asked Adam if Mrs. Chevy could work for them as she herself was turning out to be quite the bad cook. And Adam had laughed, pulling Nell down onto his lap, and said, of course; he looked forward to finally getting a decent meal. Nell said that she would be angry with him for the insult except that it was true.

Nell, much to Adam's surprise, was strong and brave through it all, remaining composed during the funeral. Her father's death had changed her in a subtle way, seemed to drain some of the joy from her and in its place was a steeliness he had never seen; it had made her hard in a manner. It was only in Adam's arms that Nell cried, even remaining dry-eyed with her friend Abby who held Nell's arm through the service, both wearing the black clothes of mourning. But eventually, Nell's spirits returned and she insisted that some of the furniture from her family home be moved into their new house; some of the rooms still needed furnishing. Adam had no objections so while Margery followed Nell through her childhood home with a pencil and pad, Nell pronounced which pieces would be taken. Margery wrote the pieces down for the movers. Soon Adam's and Nell's lives were on an even keel and Adam could devote his daylight hours to his business and his nights to Nell.


	11. Chapter 11

**XI**

The Sacramento winter was becoming harsh and building was slowing down but they had a new job on the table. Adam and Jess looked over the new set of plans for the mansion they were designing for one of the wealthy cattle barons in Sacramento City.

"A bit garish, isn't it?" Adam said. "Looks more like a lurid, upscale whorehouse."

"He wants garish," Jess said. "I bet when I show him this sketch, he'll want fancier columns out front and his wife will want more wrought iron."

"Well, no one said that having money meant having taste. But I tell you, Jess, I'm beginning to be embarrassed to have my name attached to this one."

"Too embarrassed to take the fee?" Jess said grinning. The client was paying them well.

"Oh, no. I'm not yet humiliated!" Adam and Jess laughed. Their first big commission, the one that made their name, had been to design a home of the city's mayor. It was so popular, the grand Georgian manor, that their business had grown exponentially, especially since it was rumored that Sacramento would soon become the state capital, replacing San Jose and many businesses, counting on the veracity behind it, decided to set up shop there as well as many politicians, those already established and those who aspired to be so. Sacramento City was becoming a thriving city and the excitement thrummed through the air.

They heard the bell jangle at the door of their shop and women's voices raised in greeting. Without looking up through the glass and wood partition to see who it was, Adam knew. One voice was Bee Spence who hid her burgeoning pregnancy behind the front desk but it was Nell's musical voice as she asked Bee about her health that made Adam's heartbeat step up and his blood run hotter. It took a moment for Adam to identify the third; it was Abby's and he hadn't seen her much of late. Nell said that Abby, after an aborted romance with Vincent Marquand, had taken a trip with her mother to visit her married sister in Utah and had stayed a few months. Apparently she was home.

Adam pulled the garters off his sleeves and went out to the front office, followed by Jess, and Nell smiled and went to him. Adam took her outstretched hands and kissed her lightly. "Hello, beautiful. What mischief are you up to today?"

"No mischief at all, you'll be pleased to know." Nell looked past Adam. "Hello, Jess. Good to see you. You remember my friend, Abby Weems."

"Of course. How are you Miss Weems?" Abby replied that she was fine.

"Abby and I went to pick up my dress for the gala—I needed her opinion at the last fitting, and then we had a light lunch," Nell said, "and since we were so close, we came to see you," Nell said to Adam.

"Well, I'm glad you did. Hello, Abby. I'm glad you're back. Did you have a nice trip?" Adam kissed Abby's cheek.

"Hello, Adam, and yes, I had a wonderful trip. It was lovely to see my sister and my two nephews. They grow so quickly." Abby smiled.

Adam turned his attention back to Nell. "So how many houses am I going to have to design to pay for your new ball gown?"

"Oh, Adam, don't tease me. Wait until you see it; I promise that you'll think its money well-spent."

"That's yet to be seen; perhaps the money should have been part of the charitable donations instead"

"Now, Adam, don't chastise me. I only want to look beautiful so that you won't be ashamed of me. Besides, I promise that the dress won't be wasted. After I've worn it a few times, I'll ask Margery if she wants it—or Abby. It's the perfect rose color for anyone."

Adam noticed Abby's look; she was offended but Nell hadn't realized it. He would have to tell Nell that evening not to be so offhand as to clump Margery and Abby in the same category—ones to receive cast-offs.

"Well, I'm sure you'll look beautiful. Now off with you," Adam said giving Nell a playful swat on her posterior. "I have work to do and with you here, well, you're all I see—I can't focus."

"Very well. As you say, lord and master. Abby and I are going to the house and see which jewelry looks best with my new gown. Goodbye, Bee, Jess." The two women went out, their heads together as they discussed the upcoming gala.

As Nell and Abby sat on the bed looking through the open caskets of pearls, gems and coral jewelry, Abby suddenly said, "Is everything all right with you and Adam?"

"Of course. What makes you think it might not be?"

"Oh, nothing in particular except that you never talk about him anymore, at least not the way you used to. You used to always have something to say about how wonderful he is—about wanting him and such but since you married, you say nothing. I was just worried that things weren't going well."

"Oh, well, before we were married, that was different. Now…it's just that…well, the things between Adam and me are…private. But sometimes I get upset about some things but he won't argue with me—just lets me go on and then thinks that holding me or taking me to bed will settle things but it doesn't. But what's worse is when he laughs at me as I'm ranting—calls me a spoiled child. I feel he doesn't take me seriously…and then, well, I'm not with child yet. Adam doesn't care—has told me so but I can't help but think that he must be disappointed in me. But, Abby, I don't think he'd want me to talk about some of those things." Nell ran her string of pearls through her fingers; they were so cool and smooth. She considered that Adam called her erect nipples little pink pearls.

"I know you said that Adam wouldn't like you talking about certain things—is there anything else?" Abby looked concerned. Nell's face had changed.

"Now if I told you, I'd be talking about them, wouldn't I?" Nell gave a slight grin.

"I suppose you would be. I just wondered because, well, it's not like you to be so close-lipped. I mean you told me about all your crushes and about Vincent and I always shared with you…" Abby looked down. "Wear the pearls. You need something soft with the dress. Those or the amethysts."

Nell took Abby's hands in hers. "Come to the gala with us. Adam would find it amusing to have a woman on each arm. Besides, he likes you. He's said before how beautiful you are." It was true. Adam had once said when Nell was pouting, that Abby was lovely and if Nell hadn't been so flirtatious as to raise her skirts and promise him a better look up them later, he might just as easily be married to Abby. And, he had said as he pulled her to him, that if she remained in such a poor humor, he just might go seek Abby out.

"No—I can't—I wouldn't go as your chaperone," Abby chuckled. "Besides I haven't a new gown."

"Wear the blue one; the color looks lovely with your hair and eyes. Here," Nell opened a box and pulled out a gold necklace that had a five carat Ceylon sapphire as its focus with smaller sapphires and diamonds around it. "Wear this with it. It will draw attention to your beauty. Come with us tomorrow night. Oh, do, Abby."

Abby smiled and leaned over to kiss Nell. "You're wonderful to ask me and I do believe that Adam would welcome me, if for no other reason than that you love me but no." Abby stood up and picked up her hat from the vanity and put it on. Nell stood up as well and then held Abby's arm.

"But I want to cheer you up. You said that I seemed a little dour but that's you, my love. I tell you what," Nell said, "if you won't join us for the gala, why don't you come to dinner next week? Adam has made acquaintances and we could invite one of them as well. What do you say?"

Abby hugged Nell. "Maybe. I'll let you know. Now, you need to get this mess straightened up before Adam gets home and sees all your jewels and clothes on the bed. Come walk me out." The two women walked together, arm and arm down the stairs and out onto the sidewalk where Nell's driver was still waiting. They kissed each other goodbye and Nell watched the buggy leave down the cobblestoned street. _I have to think of a way to cheer her up. I'll ask Adam about a man we can introduce to her—later. Next week sometime. I may meet someone at the gala to introduce. _And Nell smiled to herself. Yes, she would find some way to make Abby happy.


	12. Chapter 12

**XII**

Adam had left the shop early. Tonight was the gala to raise money for a new hospital and "if I'm late, Nell will have my head—or my cock. Whichever she thinks I'd miss the most. Either way, I'd be afraid to shut my eyes." Jess had laughed and said that he was glad that he had an excuse for not going—Bee's condition. Nevertheless, the Cartwright & Spence Architectural Firm had contributed a thousand dollars to the fund, a goodly amount and it had caused notice among those in Sacramento society.

Adam had strolled down the street thinking of Nell. She had shown him the gown the previous evening and he had to admit that it was lovely although he wouldn't have cared had she worn a croaker sack—to him she was just as beautiful, no matter what. "Shows a bit more breast than usual, doesn't it?" Adam was reclining on the bed, one bent arm underneath his head on the pillow, the sheet carelessly thrown over him. "Or is that for charity as well?"

"Oh, Adam," Nell had said, tossing the gown on a chair and climbing under the sheet again. They had just finished a rousing bout of lovemaking and Mrs. Chevy had already sent Margery up twice to tell them dinner was ready. "Stop teasing me. It's not that low when it's on and besides, I plan to wear the string of pearls doubled and maybe even tripled so my bosom won't be that exposed." There was another light knock on the door.

"Yes?" Adam called out, his voice gruff. He had just pulled Nell to him and was going to taste one of her lovely breasts and didn't appreciate the interruption.

"Excuse me, sir," Margery said in a quaking voice. "Most sorry to interrupt, sir, but Mrs. Chevy says that dinner can't be held much longer. Would you like her to throw it out and cook something else for later?"

"Moan," Adam whispered to Nell.

"What?"

"Moan as if I'm fucking you. C'mon." He pinched her buttocks.

"OW!" Nell said in earnest.

"I can come back," Margery said quickly and Adam laughed.

"That wasn't funny," Nell said. "Poor Margery is afraid of you enough the way you go bellowing through here like a bull."

"A bull eager to mount his heifer," Adam said, nuzzling her neck.

"Don't forget, she changes the sheets. She can guess what you do to me."

"Are you complaining?" Adam asked as he squeezed the firm buttock that he had just pinched.

"No," she said quietly, running her hands along his shoulders. "Make me moan for real." And she stretched her arms out over her head to hold onto the brass rails on the headboard, closing her eyes to better enjoy the sensations of his mouth and his strong hands. And her mind went to the conversation she and Abby had two years earlier about what a wonderful lover Adam would be, what he could show her—things about which she had been completely ignorant. Maybe she would share this delight with Abby, Nell thought, maybe the next time she would reveal what being impaled by Adam was really like…and then her mind shifted to the present and the warmth filling her and she was back in bed with her husband and he was showing her his love and desire for her.

Adam entered the house and Mrs. Chevy came to meet him. "I have a light meal ready…" but that was all she was able to say as Nell, smiling, met him as well and threw herself into Adam's arms, kissing him. She was wearing her dressing gown and smelled of hyacinth and bluebells. Her cheeks were flushed and her hair was half styled.

"And what did I do to deserve such a wonderful welcome home? Not that I don't appreciate it." Adam still held her, her toes not quite touching the floor.

"The flowers are beautiful—you shouldn't have, my darling."

Adam put Nell down. "I didn't."

"You didn't what?"

"Send any flowers. What flowers are you talking about? If they're grand enough, I'll take the credit anyway."

Nell looked confused. "Those." She pulled Adam into the main room and pointed to a vase of roses, a mixture of white and red siting on a polished mahogany table.

Adam walked over to the vase and opened the card that was on the table top. Nell followed him and stood behind him while he read the card aloud. "To the most beautiful woman at the gala tonight." Adam looked at Nell. "I didn't write this and I didn't send the flowers."

"Oh…I just assumed…"

"Well," Adam said, bending to kiss her. "At least it's from a man with good taste. Now if we're to be there on time—or even a bit late, you'd better dress." He saw Mrs. Chevy standing in the doorway. "Let me wash up, Mrs. Chevy, and I'll be there to eat." And he left a troubled Nell standing alone.

Adam pulled off his dress coat and threw it on the settee along with his tall hat. He also took off his tie and tossed it on top and then went and pulled a glass and a bottle of whiskey out of the sideboard. He poured himself a drink and sat down in a side chair flanking the fireplace to drink it. Nell still stood in the foyer, close to tears, staring at the pink marble floor.

She had never seen Adam in such a foul mood but she didn't feel that any of it was her fault and the more she had tried to justify her behavior at the gala, the darker Adam became. Finally she remained quiet and they rode in silence for the last ten minutes. And now she knew that Adam was sitting in the main room; Mrs. Chevy had left a lamp burning for them and the fire was turning to ashes, leaving the room with a slight chill. Nell didn't want to go in as she was afraid of what Adam would say. He had never been angry with her before—never and she didn't know how to react. And to think that she had once wanted him to become angry; never again, she thought. Never. Finally, Nell unhooked the neck of her cape and pulled it off, throwing it over her arm and decided that she would just walk calmly through the room and go upstairs. Maybe Adam would stay downstairs for a while longer and she wouldn't have to face him until morning. By then, he should have calmed down.

"Nell." She was almost to the stairs. She stopped. "Sit down."

Nell, still holding her cape, turned and sat on the edge of the seat of another side chair. "What is it? I've told you…"

"Be quiet, Nell. I'm going to ask you two things. Just answer me. Did Vincent send you the flowers?"

"No." Nell feared Adam wouldn't believe her as Vincent had been at the ball and they had danced. Not only had they danced but Vincent, showing more courage than Nell had seen from him, had insulted Adam to his face, accusing him of seducing Nell and compromising her honor, therefore forcing Mr. O'Connor to agree to their marriage. He had no proof, he said, but since Nell had loved him, loved him greatly, he saw no other possible explanation. Nell recognized the control that Adam had exerted over himself to keep from reacting. Vincent had challenged him to a duel but Adam had scoffed and said that Vincent was far too young to die in such a miserable way. And then Adam had turned his back to Vincent and continued his conversation with one of the bankers in attendance. Vincent had placed a heavy hand on Adam's shoulder. Adam had slowly turned and told Vincent that if he cared to continue to have use of his hand, he had best remove it…and himself from Adam's presence. Nell decided that Vincent must have seen what she had in Adam's eyes because Vincent had retreated. Adam wasn't bluffing.

"Did the other man—Henry Bailey, did he send you the flowers?"

"No." Nell quaked, whether from fear or the slight chill, she didn't know. "I told you, I was just talking to him…"

"Be quiet, Nell. I've already heard all that." Nell had protested in the carriage ride home that she was just trying to find if Henry was interested in meeting Abby again. He was a childhood friend of theirs and Nell had considered that perhaps, since he was unmarried, he might be interested in her. After all, Abby had been sad of late and Nell thought that meeting Henry again who was handsome and personable, might raise her spirits.

They sat in silence. Nell felt herself break into a cold sweat. "May I go to bed now? I'm very tired."

"I would imagine you are. It must take a great deal of effort to be seductive and charming—would wear any girl out. Go to bed. Go to sleep. If I decide that I want you, I'll wake you." Adam stared into the dying embers in the fireplace.

Nell wasn't sure what Adam meant-did he mean that if he had more questions he would wake her? Or did he mean that if he wanted her body, if he wanted to take her, he would wake her with his demands? She quietly rose but Adam never glanced at her. Nevertheless, she wished she could slink against the walls until she was out of sight. She controlled herself, trying to retain some dignity as she took the stairs, her legs shaking. Once in the hall, she leaned against the wall, recovering her breath; she had been holding it unawares. She jumped slightly at the sound of shattering china. She knew that Adam had thrown the vase of beautiful roses against the wall. Better them than her, Nell thought.


	13. Chapter 13

**XIII**

Nell woke, the sun was shining in the window at her back. She felt groggy, as if she had been drugged and rubbed her eyes. Then she remembered the gala. Her ball gown and underclothes were still in a pile on the vanity chair, her pearl strand and earrings still out, the box on the vanity top. Adam was gone but she turned over and saw the indentation of his head on his pillow and the bedclothes had been pushed back from when he had risen. He hadn't wakened her for any reason, not even this morning to kiss her goodbye.

Nell climbed out of bed and put on her silk wrap and went downstairs. The vase of roses—she remembered the sound of china crashing but it was obvious that Mrs. Chevy or Margery had cleaned up the mess as nothing remained. Nell walked in the kitchen and Margery was sitting at the small round table sipping coffee and chatting with Mrs. Chevy who was making preparations for the day's meals. Margery jumped up at seeing Nell.

"Miss Nell, can I help you dress? You had no at homes or calls today on your schedule so I didn't wake you—just let you slept. The Mister left early." She and Mrs. Chevy exchanged looks.

"Perhaps later," Nell said. "Please bring me some tea and toast in my room and draw me a bath. Then tell Dawson to ready the buggy."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Oh, and Mrs. Chevy, there was an accident with the flower vase last night…"

"Yes, ma'am. I cleaned it up this morning. Such a shame. The piece was your mother's and the roses were so beautiful. I kept a few that hadn't yet wilted—if it please you?"

"That's fine, Mrs. Chevy, enjoy them. And thank you for cleaning it up; it was very late last night when we came home and I was so tired. Margery, the tea and toast, please."

"Yes, Miss."

Nell left and she heard the rush of voices. Margery and Mrs. Chevy were discussing their employers and Nell flushed; she hadn't fooled them. Even though their rooms were on the far end of the house in another wing and they couldn't possibly have heard what Adam and she had said, it must have been obvious that there had been a quarrel between her and Adam. And Nell couldn't help but wonder in what black mood Adam had been when he woke. Nell dreaded having another row with Adam and considered that this evening when he came home, she would behave as if everything was fine, that nothing had happened. She would be pleasant and charming and indicate that she hoped he would take her upstairs early and she would convince him that she loved him only. But how Adam would behave, she couldn't guess. And so she feared what might happen. He hadn't been initially upset about the flowers, gave them almost no weight and even joked about it although roses this time of year must have cost the sender dearly. She had told Adam that Vincent hadn't sent her the roses but she didn't actually know if it was true. Vincent certainly had the money and Nell knew that Vincent still pined for her; Abby had told her that when she stopped by the house before leaving for her sister's. But Nell would find out if it had been Vincent and ask him—no, tell him to stop. But if it wasn't Vincent, Nell wondered who it was and the idea that she might have a secret admirer, someone who worshipped her from afar, that was exciting in a way but it also filled her with dread at what Adam might do should he discover there was someone.

Mrs. Weems herself met Nell at the door.

"Oh, child, come in." Mrs. Weems, a full-figured woman whose hair had once been the lovely blonde of her daughters and was now brassy with the dye she used to keep it blonde, was happy to see her daughter's friend. She kissed Nell on the cheek. "We haven't seen you in…well, since the wedding. I'm so glad that you've come to visit. Come in, come in." Mrs. Weems ushered Nell into the familiar drawing room, friendly, warm and full of furniture as over-stuffed as Mrs. Weems herself. "Sit down, my sweet Nell, and I'll call Abby. I'm so glad that you're here; maybe you can cheer her up. I thought the trip to visit Mavis in Utah would do it after she and Vincent Marquand—well, I don't know what happened between them, but I'll call her down. And, Nell, I do hope…"

Nell hated to interrupt Mr. Weems but felt a sense of urgency. "Please, Mrs. Weems, if you don't mind may I go up and talk to Abby? Perhaps I can get her out of the house for a while."

"Why what a good idea. It might put some color into her cheeks. We Weems women are so fair, being blondes you know, and therefore we tend to look pale. Abby needs some roses in her cheeks. Now you, Nell, with your auburn hair and hazel eyes, well, you naturally have color but we blue-eyed blondes, well, we need the fresh air upon occasion and even a slight bit of sun. Only promise me, Nell, that you won't let her get freckled. Men just don't seem to like freckles although sometimes there's no preventing it! I always say a good milk bath, soaking in it, helps. Buttermilk, which is thicker is actually better. Now my mother…"

"Mrs. Weems, I would love to hear more but I am in a bit of a hurry; it's already past noon and I was hoping that Abby and I could have lunch in that little tea shop on 11th Street. I'll go see." And Nell left an unsatisfied Mrs. Weems standing on the flowered rug while she picked up her skirts and hurried up the stairs until she came to Abby's room. The door was closed and Nell lightly knocked. "Abby, it's me. Can I come in?"

The door opened and a smiling Abby was standing inside, a small book in her hand. "Come in, Nell. I've been waiting to hear how the gala went." She slipped her arm through Nell's and pulled her inside.

"Oh, Abby, it was awful."

"Awful? But I don't understand." And while Abby listened open-mouthed, Nell told her about the gala, how at first it was wonderful and so many important people were there. Men complimented her and Adam seemed to enjoy that his wife was so admired. Other men brought her glasses of champagne and she danced and danced until she feared her shoes would fall apart! And Adam danced with her, telling her she was beautiful, the loveliest woman there and it was glorious and then she saw Henry Bailey. "I just thought it would be nice to have you and he renew your friendship; he's so rich now, is into mining speculation and he's handsome too. He always was, you know."

"Oh, Nell, How embarrassing! You didn't tell him about me, did you? I man about my broken engagement and such." Abby blushed with humiliation.

"Oh, No, Abby, I hadn't yet mentioned you. I was going to ask him to dinner and then invite you. But I never got that far. Vincent, who had danced with me earlier, well, he confronted Adam in front of a group of people and made a terrible scene."

"Oh, Nell. What happened?" And Nell told Abby about what Vincent had said, how he had accused Adam of compromising her and then of course, her having to marry him to protect her honor.

"Why did he say that?" Abby asked.

"He said that since he and I were so in love that it was the only answer for why I married Adam. Anyway, he challenged Adam and…well, Adam humiliated him. Oh, Abby, it was awful. I wanted to leave but Adam refused. He said that it had been my idea to attend and so we were going to stay. And then, well, we had an argument that started in the carriage. Well, it wasn't much of an argument; Adam said very little and I guess I sounded as if I was trying to cover up, like I was lying…oh, I just...I think I made things worse. I think that's what made Adam smash the vase of flowers."

"What flowers?"

"Someone sent me red and white roses with an unsigned card. Adam joked about it. It didn't seem to bother him at all but, well, I guess that after the gala—the sender knew I'd be at the gala—he figured it was one of the men there. I have to find out if it was Vincent. Please, Abby, come with me. I know that you and Vincent saw each other for a while but I don't dare see Vincent alone; it wouldn't be proper. Please come with me."

"Oh, Nell. Please don't ask me. I can't see Vincent again, I just can't."

"But, Abby…"

Abby stood up, wringing her hands. "Nell, swear you won't tell anyone. Anyone. Not even Adam. Remember how we would pinky swear as girls? No one could get information from us when we pinky swore."

"Yes, I remember. Don't tell me you want me to pinky swear?" Abby nodded so Nell pulled off her gloves and put up her right hand with just her little finger being upright and she and Abby hooked their little fingers around each other's. Together they said, "Pinky, pinky, bowbell, whoever tells a lie, will sink down to the bad place and never again arise."

Abby sat back down by Nell again. "Nell, I gave myself to Vincent and then he didn't want me anymore."

Nell was shocked but paused before saying anything. "He refused to marry you afterwards?"

"Yes," Abby said, her voice quavering and then she burst into tears and Nell pulled Abby to her and held her friend as she sobbed. Then they fell back onto the bed and Nell held Abby the way Adam had held her when she cried after her father's death. It had been so comforting to just let her emotions free in the safety of Adam's arms and although Nell knew that it wasn't the same for Abby, she could at least attempt to help her friend. And in a way, Nell even felt responsible.

She stroked Abby's blonde hair, ignoring the fact that her hat's brim was being misshapen as she lay on her side.

"Oh, Nell," Abby said between sobs, "I fell in love with Vincent. I mean I know at first he saw me because of you—that he was seeking solace, but then he would come and take me riding, to lectures and dinner and my parents, especially my mother, were so happy that I had found someone. Then Vincent began hinting that he loved me and wanted to marry me. Oh, Nell, I thought that if I gave myself to him, he would love me more so one night, in the back of his buggy, he took me and oh, Nell, it was awful. It hurt so much I cried and Vincent was fumbling around and my skirts got in the way and, oh, Nell, I made the biggest mistake because after it all, he hated me. I think he was embarrassed and ashamed to look at me because I knew how inept he had been."

"It'll be all right, Abby. It'll be all right."

"Oh, Nell, I still love him. Even the time away visiting Mavis didn't help me and now that I'm back, I'm afraid to go out in case I see him. That's the real reason I didn't want to go to the gala."

Nell kissed Abby's hair, her heart filling with rage at Vincent. "I understand, Abby. I understand." But now Nell knew she would have to see Vincent alone and find out the truth. If Vincent could be so duplicitous and selfish as to use Abby and then abandon her, there was no telling what mischief he might be fostering


	14. Chapter 14

**XIV**

Adam buttoned his jacket up. The day was cold with a slight breeze but then it was late November. He held the flowers close to him as he hurried home. He hoped Nell would easily forgive him for the previous night; he remembered his temper and the smashed vase of roses and was ashamed. In the light of day, he knew Nell loved him. It was just that the humiliation of being confronted by Vincent and his absurd accusations had stretched him to the breaking point. And although he loved to see Nell having a wonderful time, it had seemed at the time that perhaps she had smiled a bit too sweetly at Henry Bailey and Vincent Marquand and Adam had wondered who else. Nell could be flirtatious but Adam had never given it any weight before—she was just the charming, beautiful, delightful Mrs. Cartwright.

The pink, red and white carnations he held had been expensive as they had been forced to bloom. The florist shop had a large glass-paneled hothouse in the back where a variety of flowers bloomed all year long. The owner had taken Adam into the back as he had shown an interest in the structure. The difference in the temperature was amazing and Mr. Finney, the florist, said that he could even build a fire inside the center furnace if there was a particularly dangerous cold snap. Adam considered building such a room at the back of his house—more of a solarium that a place for growing flowers but he could visualize palms and other temperate-climate plants being placed among some brightly colored furniture; He and Nell could always enjoy warmth on the coldest winter's day. Nell would bloom in such a place—and eternal summer.

Adam had convinced Jess to close the shop early. "Business is slow, being so close to Christmas. Besides, Bee looks tired. Take her home."

"Thanks, Adam. I was thinking the same thing myself. We need to seriously consider who's going to replace her. Like you said, it's slow now but after the New Year, well, it'll pick up again. How about Nell?"

"Nell? I don't know about that, but I'll ask her. Maybe her friend Abby. She might be interested."

"Either one would be fine with me—both pretty as a—what is it you farm boys say?" Jess teased. "Oh, yeah, pretty as a white-faced calf."

Adam laughed. "Well, we farm boys have another saying—piss me off and I'll slice off your balls, fry 'em up and eat 'em. Study on that for a while." Jess laughed and Adam, grinning, picked up his hat, pulled on his jacket and left for the florist.

Adam bounded up the steps and opened the front door. "Nell?" he called out. He had visualized that she would tentatively come to see why he was home, worried, and then he would present her with the flowers and hold her and ask her to forgive him for being such an ass the previous evening. He would apologize for ever doubting her and confess that it was his own insecurities that had prompted him to behave so badly. And she would, of course, tell him she loved him and he would sweep her up and carry her up the stairs to their room where they would undress each other, him teasing her with gentle touches and kisses until he was able to lie down with her and show her his true passion, his honest feelings for her.

But there was no answer. Adam took off his hat, hanging it on the hat rack by the door and called again. He heard footsteps on the stairs and stepped out into the main room. Margery was coming down the stairs holding a basket for the soiled linens.

"Oh, Mr. Cartwright, the Missus isn't to home?" She looked nervous and Adam became suspicious.

"Oh?" Adam unbuttoned his jacket with one hand, still holding the paper-wrapped bouquet in the other. Mrs. Chevy came out of the kitchen.

"Oh, Mr. Cartwright, you're early. Why what lovely flowers! Carnations! I always fancied that carnations are the most honest of flowers—so pure and clean. The Missus will love them. Shall I put them in a vase?"

Adam thought a moment. "No, I'll just leave them here." He stepped back and laid them on the small table in the foyer.

"They'll do better in a vase. By the time the Missus gets home, they may be wilted."

"Really? Is she going to be that late? When do you expect her back?"

"Well…she didn't say." Mrs. Chevy turned to Margery who had come closer. "Did the Missus tell you when she would be back?"

"No. No, she didn't tell me. I would think soon though, I mean she's been gone about four hours now and …." Margery hushed as Mr. Cartwright was watching her carefully as if he thought she was lying—or going to lie. "I need to pack these off to the laundry. Excuse me, sir."

Adam took off his jacket and Mrs. Chevy took it from him. "I'll hang it up for you, sir. Can I get you some coffee, perhaps? A little something light to eat before dinner?" Adam walked away and she stepped after him. "I'm making a beef stew with biscuits—you always liked my beef stew and I have some carrots. Your paper's there on the table, sir. You left before it came this morning but you have time to read it before dinner."

Adam picked up _The Sacramento Bee_ and sat down by the fire. "Some coffee would be nice, thank you." He sat down and opened the paper to read what had happened in the city and the country yesterday but couldn't tear his thoughts away from what might be happening in his own marriage.

Nell had stayed longer at the Weems' than she planned and had tea and jam sandwiches with Abby. When they had been children, the two friends had always felt very grown up when the cook would bring them a pot of hot tea with all the china and silverware a plate full of jam sandwiches cut up to be small as if at a proper tea. So today, they enjoyed feeling young and carefree again and Abby had even laughed when Nell started telling her about her about some of the atrocious dresses at the gala.

"And Mrs. Westbury, well, you know what a shelf of a bosom she has! Well, she had been eating these cream-filled, flaky pastry puffs—more like wolfed them down-and her bosom was a mess of crumbs. Adam said that he was surprised a flock of crows didn't fly through the open French doors and peck them off her breast!" The two of them laughed at the image of the staid and proper dowager being attached by birds eager for the pastry crumbs. "And the Briggs were there with their cow of a daughter, Bernice. I always expect her to moo whenever she opens her mouth!" Abby and Nell laughed together.

"What was she wearing?" Abby asked.

"Does it matter? Everything she wears looks like a sack on her anyway!" And the two continued eating their jam sandwiches and gossiping as if they were carefree schoolgirls again.

But when the clock struck three, Nell said that she had to leave; she was going to see Vincent.

"I don't think you should, Nell. Vincent may get the wrong idea."

"Well, I won't let that happen," Nell said, adjusting her hat as she looked in the mirror. She had managed to straighten out the brim. "And if I invite Henry to dinner, promise me you'll come."

"Oh, Nell. I don't know that…"

Nell held onto Abby's shoulders. "Promise me!' Abby smiled and promised and Nell left feeling buoyant. Now she just had to see Vincent and find out if he had sent the roses.

"Dawson," Nell said to the driver, "Mr. Vincent Marquand's townhouse, please" Dawson tipped his hat and took her to the well-known address.

"Miss O'Connor," the butler, Gray, said with a sincere smile, "how nice to see you. It's been so long. Please. Do come in." He stepped aside and gestured for her to enter.

"Thank you, Grady, but it's Mrs. Cartwright now."

"Oh, of course. Forgive me. Come into the drawing room and I'll bring you some nice Earl Grey. I also have some fine biscuits—very delicate."

Nell sat down on the sofa in the familiar room, the smell of tobacco in the air. That's how Adam's den smelled; a spicy smell of rich tobacco and a woodsy smell from the fireplace along with the sparkling bottles of whiskey and brandy in a glass-fronted cupboard. Suddenly Nell wanted to be home and waiting for Adam. Sometimes when she missed him, she would go into his den and sit in his leather desk chair or recline on the leather couch and close her eyes and imagine he was there, writing away at his desk or sketching plans for a new edifice. It helped ease her yearnings to hear his voice and the smell of his skin and his hair.

"Thank you, Grady." Nell waited and within a few seconds Vincent came into the room.

"Nell, what a lovely surprise." He looked handsome in a dark-red velvet smoking jacket, his blonde hair styled in the latest mode, the epitome of a handsome, modern Victorian gentleman. He put out his hands and Nell took them in hers. Vincent sat beside her and Grady came back in with a tray with the tea and biscuits.

"Thank you, Grady, that will be all." Vincent had yet to take his eyes from Nell.

"Very good, sir." Grady bowed slightly and left the room. He was pleased that Miss O'Connor—Mrs. Cartwright, was here. Grady had disliked that his employer, usually such a carefree, happy man had been so sad when the woman he loved had married another. Perhaps she had realized her grand mistake.

"I can't tell you how very glad I am to see you, Nell," Vincent said, "but I hope never to see that barbarian you married again. I fear I would have to kill him."

"You're wrong about Adam…"

"Nell, your husband is a boor and I don't know how you bear him—so…crude. I would imagine that his…carnal hungers are abominably vulgar—he probably slobbers over you. And as far as being a civilized gentleman, why he wouldn't even accept my challenge? Everyone who was there now knows what a poltroon he is. And, Nell, I know that he must have, well, compromised you in some way to…"

"I won't have you criticize Adam. He did you a courtesy, Vincent, as he would have killed you in a duel. I think he left you alive for me—as a favor."

"Don't be so sure of that, Nell."

"I am sure just as I'm sure that he never compromised me. I married him because I love him—that's why."

Vincent dropped Nell's hands and sat up stiffly, straightening out his jacket. "Then why are you here?"

"I need to know…did you send me roses yesterday."

Vincent chuckled. "Let me guess. The roses are like the handkerchief in _Othello_—the tragedy of the roses! Is your loving brute of a husband jealous?"

"Did you, Vincent?"

"What if I say yes?"

"Tell me the truth, did you?" Nell's frustration was obvious.

"No."

Nell didn't know if she was relived or not. If it wasn't Vincent, who was it? And now she wasn't even sure if he was telling her the truth. She stood up. "Thank you, Vincent. I'll see myself out."

"Nell," Vincent stood up and took her by the arms. "Nell, please, stay a bit longer. It's been so long since I've seen you and I swear that you're even more beautiful than last night. When you married, oh, Nell, my world came crashing down around me. I can't believe that you would choose such a man over me. And, Nell, he's so much older and…he's not a gentleman."

"My heart chose Adam. And as for his being a gentleman, I see him as the perfect gentleman; he is honorable, well-educated, cultured and comes from a fine family. But none of that matters as he has my heart-even if he was a rogue, he would have my heart. I have to leave now. Goodbye, Vincent."

Vincent dropped his hands and Nell left, wanting to turn back and excoriate Vincent for his treatment of Abby and to accuse him of being no gentleman, but for Abby's sake, she didn't.

"Take me home, Dawson," Nell said as her driver helped her in the carriage. "And hurry." She wanted to be waiting for Adam in a revealing dressing gown along with a brandy and a fine cigar for him. She sat back and closed her eyes and smiled to herself. Tonight she would be the aggressor and let Adam know of her desire for him; she would be no lady tonight but the wanton whore in which he so much delighted. She could almost taste him on her tongue and smell his skin. Nell sighed. Her husband would soon be home and she wouldn't have long to wait for his arms around her.


	15. Chapter 15

**XV**

Nell hurried into the house; Dawson had dropped her off in the front and then took the buggy down the alley to the carriage house in the back. The warmth of the house faced her as she opened the door and the lamps were on to fend off the early-falling winter night giving everything a golden glow. Nell pulled off her gloves and was going to leave them on the table when she saw the huge bouquet of carnations and greenery. Her breath caught. Nell looked for the card and found it in a small envelope tucked within the blooms.

"With all my love."

She quickly tore the card in half and crushed it in her fist, grabbed up the bouquet with the other and held it against her jacket; it was so large as to be unwieldy.

"Mrs. Chevy," she called out as she entered the main area which led to the main room in one direction and the dining room in the other. Nell looked down at the beautiful flowers. Their singular scent rose around her—so calming. "Mrs. Chevy!"

Mrs. Chevy came out, wiping her hands on her apron.

Nell was impatient. "Dispose of these flowers immediately before Mr. Cartwright gets home. I don't want him to see them. Put them in the rubbish and don't say a word about them."

In a low voice and indicating the main room with her eyes, Mrs. Chevy quietly said, "He's home. Those are from the Mister."

Nell's face went white. She turned and took the few steps back to where the area opened in the main room and saw Adam sitting by the fireplace, the flames high; Nell decided that he must have recently put on fresh logs. He gazed at her evenly, a small smile playing about his lips.

Nell smiled nervously. "The flowers are lovely, Adam. Thank you. There was no signature on the card, so I…" Nell looked down at the bouquet in her arms. She didn't know what to say.

"So you thought you would destroy any evidence," Adam said lowly. "Tantamount to lying, isn't it?"

"No, I just…it isn't lying. I didn't want you to be upset, that's all." She looked at the flowers and then forced a smile. "I'll put them in a vase." She turned to go but Adam called her name. She turned back, her heart thumping.

"If I had asked you, Nell, had I come home later, if you had received any flowers today, you would have said no, wouldn't you?"

Nell started to speak-she tried to form the words but just couldn't say them.

"Not only that," Adam continued, "but you would have involved all the household staff in the deception, wouldn't you have? You would make a cuckold of me in front of the whole staff."

Nell just looked down. She felt like a small child being called to task but this was a hundred times worse. "I just didn't want you upset again."

"Really, Nell? Come to me." Adam put out an arm, beckoning her to him.

Nell hesitated and then walked over to him. He reached out and taking her arm, he gently pulled her onto his lap. She didn't relax though; she felt the mood he was in, the tension in the air. Adam took the bouquet from her and smelled it. "The florist was out of roses. Carnations just aren't romantic though, are they? Robert Burns didn't write, _Oh, my love is like a red, red carnation, that's newly sprung in June, _did he? Secret lovers don't send carnations. You ought to know that, Nell_._" He tossed the bouquet into the fire and Nell gasped slightly as the paper about them curled and caught while the petals and stems smoked as the flames reached them.

"Where have you been this afternoon, my pet?" Adam asked as he reached up and unbuttoned her suit jacket. Nell said nothing as he then began to unbutton her blouse. He pulled up one side of her skirt and slid a hand up her leg. He slid it up the inside of her thigh and fingered the slit in the crotch of the pantalets. Nell's' heart pounded and her breath became shaky. She knew Adam was checking to see if she had been with a man, feeling if any of his remains were still seeping out and onto her underclothes. "Well? Where have you been?" He was so quiet, so stealthy and his voice retained the same, honeyed quality as when he whispered his love for her as they lay together in the dark and he found his pleasure between her thighs.

"I was at Abby's." She was barely audible.

"Were you?" She nodded to him. "All this time? You were at Abby's all this time?" Adam removed his hand from her thigh and unbuttoned more of her blouse, revealing her neck and part of her bosom. He kissed her hotly above her breasts, placing his lips on the rise of her mounding flesh.

Nell gasped again as she felt her desire rise. "I…I stayed for tea and…." Nell felt Adam's mouth travel to her neck. She closed her eyes and dropped her head back slightly. Adam always delighted her with his mouth, his lips, his tongue; she shook slightly in anticipation.

"Did you go anywhere else? I can ask Dawson, you know but I'd rather not humiliate you or myself." Adam went back to kissing her gently.

Nell knew she had no choice. "I went to Vincent's." She stiffened as she expected to hear his wrath but instead, he kissed her throat again and then she heard him speak, his mouth next to her ear.

"Nell, if you're having an affair and I find out, I will snap your elegant neck. Do you understand?"

She barely managed to nod and whisper, "Yes."

"Good. Now go upstairs, undress and wait for me." Adam pushed her slightly and she stood up. Her legs almost buckled under her but she managed to make it up the stairs. With shaking hands, she managed to finish unbuttoning her blouse, unhook her skirt and step out of it. The room was cold as Margery hadn't yet built a fire to ward off the evening chill. By the time Nell had undressed completely, she was shivering. Nell pulled down the coverlet, blanket and sheets and crawled under them listening, waiting. Then the door knob turned and Adam walked in, closing the door behind him.

Night was beginning to fall and the room was becoming dusky but she watched as he undressed. He wore a belt instead of suspenders and when he pulled it off, Nell wondered if he was going to strap her. A few times he had jokingly said that she would be a far more obedient wife if he would just take his belt to her upon occasion so she wasn't sure that he might not act on it. But he tossed the belt aside and stepped out of his trousers and then his underwear. And without saying anything, he crawled under the covers and Nell waited. He kissed her, with a certain masterful authority. Adam ran his hands over her, gently squeezing her breasts and Nell decided that he was going to make love to her although he didn't appear to be in an amorous mood. She realized he was determined to remove any thought she may have of another man. And she put her arms about his neck and kissed him back. Suddenly he rose from under the covers and kneeling, grabbed her by the waist and pulling her up, he turned her around and in a rough voice said. "On your hands and knees."

Nell did as Adam said and looked back at him but he didn't look at her, just grabbed her hips and then she knew; he didn't want to look at her and so while Adam satisfied his demons, Nell felt hot tears on her cheeks. _He doesn't want to see me—he doesn't want to look at me—he doesn't love me anymore._

And when he was through with her, Adam put his trousers and shirt back on and shoved his feet into his tall, western boots that always stood in the corner. Nell clambered back under the covers; she was cold and a bit sore.

"Don't be late; you how upset Mrs. Chevy is when dinner isn't served on time and she's made my favorite beef stew." Then he walked out and Nell heard his boots on the steps as he descended_. I have no one to blame but myself! Stupid, stupid, fool that I am. I've lost him. _And Nell wept into her pillow.

When she finally decided she had better go down to dinner, Nell put on a warm wrap and slippers but before she went downstairs, she powdered her nose and cheeks and tried to adjust her hair; she looked as if she had been ravished, her lips red and swollen from the pressure of Adam's mouth, her cheeks rosy from the roughness of his beard—and then she realized that she _had_ been ravished. Nell felt a thrill of sexual excitement; Adam had taken her as if he had been so overwhelmed with passion that all he wanted was immediate satisfaction. She pressed her thighs together and felt the soreness resulting from his violent exertions. She would have Margery draw her a bath this evening and she would soak in scented oils—and perhaps Margery could shave her—she had read of such things, and then…a small smile curled her mouth. Nell felt completely wanton. Perhaps, she could have Adam at her beck and call then, make him beg to have her. But then she sighed. Adam would never beg; he wasn't some adolescent who would grovel for a kiss and if she denied him, Adam would probably go elsewhere. Nell knew that she would never have power over him—never. So with as much dignity as she could muster, Nell descended the stairs and walked into the dining room; Adam had started without her, not even looking up as she entered.

Nell walked to her chair but Adam said nothing, didn't rise to pull it out, just continued to eat. Mrs. Chevy came rushing out and ladled some stew onto Nell's plate.

"Now eat while it's hot, Miss. How about some biscuits?" Mrs. Chevy picked up the basket and Nell took one out, thanking her. "It's a simple meal," Mrs. Chevy said, "but you know how the Mister likes it this way. I have an apple pie for dessert and some clotted cream. Can I get you anything else?" She looked nervously from Adam to Nell and back.

"Nothing more for me, thank you," Adam said.

"I'm fine. That will be all, Mrs. Chevy." The worried woman went back to the kitchen where Margery and Dawson were sitting eating their supper.

Adam stopped eating and folded his hands. "Nell, you need to realize that, as foreign as the concept may be to you, you can't have everything. You can't be married, at least to me, and have lovers. I won't share you and that's the sum of it. Think long and hard; although I've spoiled and indulged you because I enjoyed it, because it made you happy, I won't anymore—not in that." Adam pushed his chair back and stood up. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have work to do."

Nell watched Adam walk away and heard the door of his den close. He had closed her out and Nell sighed. She doubted that she would see him again until breakfast and all her plans of seducing him seemed foolish now. She tasted the buttery biscuit but it tasted more like ash. It was as if the lights had dimmed and nothing was the same now.


	16. Chapter 16

XVI

Adam sat at his desk, a glass of Kentucky bourbon in his hand, the bottle on the desk. It was his third drink and Adam knew that he should stop there so he corked the bottle and placed it in a desk drawer. He snorted in disdain; he had heard the term, being "driven to drink" before and had just scoffed. He felt that a man should always be in control of himself or he was weak—no one could make a man do anything. A man did what he did because he chose to do so. But now he understood those men whom he had always considered weak. And Jess' words came back to him: _Any woman who has that effect on a man, drives him to drink to forget her, well, that's the kind of woman a man can't forget_. So Adam considered that perhaps it wasn't Nell who was the problem but himself, his fears of losing her and it was manifesting itself in suspicions and jealousy.

Adam had gone to his den to try to review lumber orders for an addition to a house on Moss Road; it was going to be a playroom for the family's four children. That was au courant now in England, a nursery/playroom inside the home for the children to play and remain safely ensconced within the homes' walls, and many of the upper society of Sacramento hoped to imitate it. But Adam was still of the mindset that children belonged outside, running and playing but then, he had considered, he hadn't been raised in the city as these children in Sacramento were. But it did seem an affectation. And then he grinned sardonically. If he and Nell had children, she would want a nursery and a playroom as well. Of that, he was sure.

And when he thought of Nell. Adam pictured her face, so lovely, so dear to him and wondered about her as a child, how delightful she must have been. He smiled when he thought about her running around her father's house and her laugh filling the rooms like music; how enjoyable it would have been to indulge here every whim—just for a smile and a kiss. That was how it must have been for Clancy O'Connor. No wonder Nell has always believed that she could have everything she wanted—she always had.

And Adam took another sip of his whiskey and pondered. What had Nell done, really done that was so awful? Why was he so suspicious of her? Roses. She had received a bouquet of roses. Expensive, true, and a romantic gesture, but the card hadn't said anything about love and so initially he thought little of it. It seemed that Nell was more worried than he was and Adam felt discomfort as his pulse stepped up. Although his decisions were usually made from a logical perspective, his body reacted strongly to this situation and he was determined to find out why. "Listen to your gut," his father had always told him, "not just your educated mind. Your body tells you the truth every time." But Adam had dismissed that piece of "sage" wisdom out of hand. If a man thought things out logically, reasoned, then he would find the proper path to take. But Adam reconsidered—this was a matter of the heart and love—and the decisions, neither for him nor Nell were based on logic.

Logic would have demanded that he marry a more mature woman, a woman who wasn't still part giggly schoolgirl. Rational thought would impose upon him a woman who was serious in assisting him in his new business venture and who would know the consequences of flirting with another man. But his heart told him Nell was the one for him as she gave him such pleasure with her supple body and her kisses and her pure joy in him. When she would sit on his lap and they would talk, her head resting on his chest—oh, he sighed and shifted in the chair. And then he realized what had begun the poisonous jealousy—he hadn't been concerned, been worried about the roses but Nell had. That was it; Nell had been upset about the unsigned card as if a lover had sent them to cause dissension in her marriage. And at the gala, as Nell danced with man after man, he realized that he hadn't felt jealousy. Nell was just her delightful self and men enjoyed her company; she was beautiful and vivacious and would raise any man's spirits—as well as his cock, Adam thought. But Nell hadn't been flirtatious—just charming.

Until Henry Bailey. With Henry, Nell had behaved more familiarly and they had a serious conversation, not just on the dance floor but they had taken to a corner of the room and talked. But still, there didn't seem to be anything—they didn't exchange longing looks. And then there was Vincent.

Nell was upset by Vincent but at first; Adam put it down to awkwardness. But Adam was upset with himself as he found himself watching them carefully as they danced, scrutinizing their faces and attitudes. He wasn't the only one. Most people knew that Nell and Vincent had once been engaged and that she had called off the wedding in the last moment to marry Adam Cartwright. And then there was the challenge. Had Nell been encouraging Vincent? Had the flowers been from him after all and Nell wanted to protect him? Perhaps she had gone to Vincent's today to beg him not to send any more flowers as her husband was suspicious.

Adam thought all of it over, his jaw working. Nell had gone to see Vincent—she had confessed to that but not easily and no, Adam found no evidence that she had lain with him, no physical evidence. What had incited his suspicions most of all, what had angered him, was that Nell was going to lie about the flowers. If she were innocent of any wrong-doing, she wouldn't have been eager to destroy any evidence of the flowers that she believed were from another man. That was what had upset him—she was ready to deceive him. Adam couldn't bear deceit, being made a fool—he wouldn't allow it.

Adam slammed the squat glass down on the desk as if it was a gavel; he had made his decision. Nell would be homebound. In the morning he would tell Dawson that Mrs. Cartwright wasn't to go anywhere. He would also tell Nell that starting the next day, she was to work the office desk. Then he would see what she said, see if she protested being kept so close and under his eye. His beautiful Nell. He felt she loved him, but if she needed the youthful excitement of a secret love affair…and Adam sighed almost in despair; he actually had no proof of anything. He dropped his head in his hands, the words from _Othello_ suddenly coming to mind: _As, I confess, it is my nature's plague to spy into abuses, and oft my jealousy shapes faults that are not._

"Oh, Abby, I'm so glad you received my note and came!' Nell pulled Abby into the main room. It was barely past 9:00 am.

Margery stood in the opening to the room, framed by the portieres. "Shall I bring you some refreshments, Miss?"

"No, no, Margery. I'll call you if I need you." Margery left and Nell waited until she was sure her maid was out of earshot.

"Oh, Abby, I've made such a big mess of things."

"Oh, Nell, no. I was going to come by to see if you had gone to Vincent's yesterday and then your desperate note—I guess you did go see him, didn't you?"

"Yes, and when I came home…oh, Abby." Nell told Abby the whole story except for the fact that Adam had taken her; she would have been excited to relate the story if she had been the one who mastered him but it hadn't been that way and Nell was embarrassed. She was embarrassed to say how much she had enjoyed her husband's dominance but she shouldn't have; no lady would enjoy being mounted like a dog in heat—but she actually had relished it so Nell kept that to herself. "And then at breakfast this morning, Adam said that Bee, Jess' wife is about a month or so from her time and that starting tomorrow, he wants me to sit in the front to greet people and do some filing and typing. I don't know how to type and as for filing, I suppose it's easy enough but how dull. I mean Adam will be in the back and even if he weren't…oh, I don't know. I might enjoy working there if I could…you know…flirt with him a bit but I won't be able to. Can you imagine just sitting inside all day from morning to evening and having to deal with all those papers and people? And not only that, but I'll have to watch through that huge shop window all those people outside going places like shopping or lunch and I'll be bored to tears stuck to a chair. It wouldn't surprise me if he ties me to it!" Nell pouted.

"You can't really blame him, Nell."

"Abby! You're supposed to be on my side!" Nell was hurt. She felt self-righteous—she was the injured party and Abby was deserting her.

"Nell, look at things from his point of view. From all you've told me, it does look as if there's another man. You can't blame him for wanting to keep you out trouble. He must be terribly hurt."

"Well, you wouldn't feel so sympathetic to him if you knew how he treated me last night—rode me like a stallion does a mare—and rode me hard. And then he just dressed and went down to dinner as if nothing was out of the ordinary. I'm still sore!" When Nell saw Abby's eyes widen in shock, she immediately regretted telling what her sense of propriety had urged her not to reveal. And Nell also knew that Adam would be furious with her. He just might take his belt to her then! And much to Nell's disgust, she felt the wetness begin between her legs at the thought of Adam taking her over his knee and spanking her. She stood up. Nell didn't understand these sexual thoughts that ran through her mind. _Too many forbidden novels. _

One evening when Adam came to bed after spending a few hours working in his den, Nell was reading a novel Abby had lent her, _Mrs. Fanny Brightbottom and the Tale of the Switch. _Nell knew that the title was a pun as the novel was a series of absurd stories describing how Mrs. Brightbottom was repeatedly excoriated with a switch by her domineering and overwhelmingly masculine husband with unusually large genitalia. Then, after he would punish her (once for sneezing at dinner where he bent her over the dining table while their guests eagerly watched as he switched her) he would "impale her with his honed, steel-hard sword" and Fanny would swoon in sexual ecstasy. Nell, surprised by Adam coming to bed earlier than usual, tried to hide the novel under her pillow.

"What's the book, Nell?" Adam had asked while he sat on the side of the bed and pulled off his boots.

"What book?" Nell immediately regretted what was so obviously a lie. She blushed as he grinned at her ridiculous attempt at evasion.

Adam had merely leaned back and slid his hand under her pillow and pulled out the book. He read the title and laughed loudly. Nell was offended that he would laugh at her.

"Nell, why waste your time reading this trash." He tossed it on a chair and then moved next to her on the bed. "I can give you a more realistic view of what extreme and perverse sex is like and if you want to be taken over my knee, just say so—I'd be more than happy to oblige. But I don't think you'd really like it. You may find it titillating to read about, something to excite yourself before a bout of…self-abuse," he said as he slid a hand up her night gown and between her thighs, "but think long and hard about what you want. I might like paddling you too much and then what would you do, Nell?" He kissed her as he slid his hand further up her gown. "Whatever would you do?"

Nell snapped out of her reverie and glanced back at Abby who was watching her strangely. "Are you all right, Nell? This has you more upset than I would have thought." Abby stood up and kissed Nell's cheek. "I'm sorry, my dear. I shouldn't have taken Adam's side before I knew what actually happened. What are you going to do?"

"Let me get my hat and jacket and you and I are going out to the shop. If I am going to work there, I might as well see it. And since Dawson claims that the buggy is out of commission, we'll have a brisk walk and perhaps take in some shopping and lunch. What do you say?"

Abby smiled and nodded and Nell, after telling Mrs. Chevy that she was going out and noticing the worried look on the woman's face said, "Don't worry, Mrs. Chevy. I have a chaperone in Abby and if Mister Cartwright is upset with you for not locking me in my room, well, I'll take the blame!" And then Nell turned to Abby and with a mischievous smile said, "Perhaps Adam'll spank me!" And the two laughed.


	17. Chapter 17

**XVII**

Jess had noticed that Adam was quiet, morose that morning—all Adam had basically said that morning before he took to his drafting table, was that the next day, Saturday, since it was their half day, Nell would start. It would give her time to move slowly into the position. Bee was pleased but worried that she would be just dumping all her work in Nell's lap. That was when Adam said that Billy James Wetherby, their apprentice, should start cleaning up the files. Jess suspected there was more to Adam's mood but didn't ask what was wrong; he knew Adam too well. If Adam wanted to talk, he would, but on his own time.

It was about 11:00 in the morning and Billy James was going through the files, pulling and reorganizing and starting new headings in his neat, square printing. There were so many vendors now that two drawers were needed and then there were the contracts. There was a stack of them on top of the file cabinets as Bee's legs and feet had become so swollen that she couldn't stand long enough to put them away. Then the bell over the door jangled and all the men in the back room glanced up. Adam suddenly felt relief; Nell and Abby were there and his wife was smiling. Even Billy James smiled, not just because any man couldn't help but smile when looking at a beautiful woman such as Mrs. Cartwright but he secretly hoped that she was there to relieve him of the filing, something he hated doing. Billy James felt that he should be working on plans to be later approved by his two bosses, not this thankless work. And Bee was the happiest one to see Nell.

Adam and Jess both went out to the front office with Jess kissing Nell and nodding to Abby and telling them both that Bee saw Nell as her savior. Adam kissed Abby's smooth cheek and then, grinning, kissed Nell, making the kiss a bit longer than a mere peck. Adam felt guilty about having left so early without saying goodbye to her and also for his rough treatment of her the previous evening. He feared that Nell would be cold toward him and although usually when she pouted and was silent, Adam merely teased her or ignored her fit of pique until she decided it was useless and sat on his lap or sidled up to him saying that she had forgiven him his trespasses. Nevertheless, he was glad that she had forgiven him.

"Well, to what do we owe this visit?" Adam asked. "Not able to wait until tomorrow to start work, Nell?"

"Oh," Nell said a bit flirtatiously as she pushed back a lock of Adam's dark hair, "I thought that I would have Bee tell me what I'll need to do. I figured that she would have far more patience with me than either of you."

Bee laughed and Jess feigned hurt feelings but Adam remained skeptical; Nell was a bit too happy, too pleased with herself. He glanced at Abby but she dropped her eyes. After what Nell had told her, Abby found that she felt a blush of shame whenever she looked at Adam as she couldn't get the picture out of her head that Nell had described of Adam in their marriage bed.

'Well," Adam said, "and how did you get here? I don't see the buggy." He glanced again out the shop window.

"Well, Dawson gave me some story about the buggy being out of commission so we walked. It's a beautiful day, isn't it?"

"Yes. Yes, it is. Well, find out what you can, Nell. I have work to do so if you ladies will excuse me." Adam returned to the back and Billy James who had been watching, glanced at Adam's stern face and went back to work, stooping over a file drawer.

Nell watched Adam. "I know," Nell said, clapping her hands, "come to lunch with us, Bee—my treat. You can tell me all about my duties there as well as here and give me all the gossip."

Bee looked up at Jess. "Well, we don't close for lunch for another hour and Adam is such a stickler about things like that…"

"Jess," Nell said, "smooth it over with Adam for us, would you? Just close early for lunch—you're not busy. Now get your coat and come with us, Bee. There's the loveliest little restaurant on the next street and it's not going to be crowded yet; we can order and receive our meal before everyone else."

Jess helped his wife into her coat and they exchanged looks; Adam was going to be upset.

"Come on, Bee," Nell said. "Once you have the baby you won't be able to have a girls' afternoon out." Nell slipped her arm through Bee's and the three women left the shop, the bell jangling behind them.

Adam heard and looked out through the glass partition. He glanced at the wall clock and then went to the front where Jess still stood after opening the door for them.

"Where the hell did they go?" Adam demanded.

"Nell and her friend took Bee to lunch. They shouldn't be long." Jess dreaded getting involved so he tried to mitigate the situation. "I think what they have in mind is for Bee and Nell to go over everything while we're closed for lunch—the place will be quiet, no clients."

Adam said nothing, his jaw working. Jess waited, expecting Adam to do something, to say something. Nell was playing with fire and seemed to be intentionally provoking Adam. But Adam said nothing more, just turned and went to the back area to continue his work.

And Bee didn't return for two hours—and alone.

Nell came home and called out for Margery as she entered the main room. The fireplace was going and Nell glanced at the mantel clock—it was almost removed her hat and deftly unbuttoned her fitted suit jacket. She was weary.

Margery came in and picked up the hat and the jacket while Nell dropped down into the chair in which Adam usually sat and pulled off her gloves. "Did you need something, ma'am?"

"Yes. Get me a cup of coffee and a jam sandwich, please and then I'm going to lie down until Mr. Cartwright comes home. I want my blue dress with the ecru lace on the sleeves and bodice laid out for me, please. And clean stockings."

"Yes, Miss." Margery started to leave and Nell called out.

"Have Mrs. Chevy pick out a nice bottle of wine for dinner." Margery acknowledged her and left. Nell considered all that Bee had told her. Adam had been in a black mood the past two days or so and had been working furiously, not talking much. He had been short with the apprentice and Jess had asked him what the problem was. Adam had said that the problem was raising a child and left it at that. Abby had giggled and Bee had looked at her, a small smile on her face as well and then at Nell. Nell knew that it was she who Adam had referred to as the child.

"He meant me," Nell said and broke apart a roll to butter it. She was embarrassed and told Bee about the flowers and the argument she and Adam had had. She knew she shouldn't but it was as if she couldn't stop. It was like a purge of some sort and Bee listened wide-eyed. And now Nell was worried. If Bee mentioned anything to Adam…Nell covered her face. Adam would be furious with her for talking about their problems to Bee and Bee would tell Jess. Her face flushed. Nell was determined to look lovely tonight; Adam wouldn't be so angry if she looked lovely.

Nell paced in her room. She would often pause to admire her reflection in the vanity mirror. He dress was a bit tight and Margery had to pull her stays more than usual in order to hook the back. Nell had decided right then that she would have to cut back on eating—too many jam sandwiches on white bread-although she looked decidedly more curvaceous. There was a sharp rap on the door and Margery peeked in.

"He's home."

"Thank you," Nell said, a flush rising to her cheeks. Margery stepped back, smiling, while Nell walked past her and down the stairs. Adam was about to sit down to wait for dinner when he saw her descend the staircase and he had to smile despite his mood. Nell did look lovely, absolutely beautiful but he also knew that she was trying to mollify him for her behavior that afternoon. And Adam forgave her—she was too lovely to invoke his ire.

"You look beautiful," Adam said, smiling and going to her, taking her hands.

"Well, aren't you going to kiss me?" Nell asked coyly. She looked up at him from beneath her dark lashes.

"That depends; what did you do, that is besides keep Bee away for over two hours and cause Billy James to not be able to talk about anything or anyone but you the rest of the afternoon."

"Maybe Billy James sent me the roses?" Nell said with a mischievous grin.

"Not with what we pay him," Adam replied. "Now, let's have a nice evening, a quiet evening. Mrs. Chevy told me she made a roast chicken, roasted potatoes, green beans and a fine Sauvignon blanc—your idea I believe?"

"Yes," Nell said, moving closer to Adam. She had rouged her lips and cheeks and placed perfume on her neck and behind her ears. "I want to make tonight pleasant for you. I don't like being at odds, Adam." She reached up and toyed with his hair. "How would you like to be seduced and for me to display all those fine talents you have taught me." Nell moved even closer and put her hands around his neck. Adam held her tighter and bent down to kiss her but she ducked her head and then, teasing him, whispered what she would rather do with her mouth than eat dinner. Mrs. Chevy's meal could wait.

Adam grinned and swept a giggling Nell into his arms, laughing that he would most certainly rather see her perform than eat and was about to carry her up the stairs when the front bell rang. Adam put Nell down on her feet.

"Adam, let Margery or Mrs. Chevy get it."

But Adam went to the door and opened it. Nell heard some brief talk and then Adam returned carrying a bouquet of blue hyacinths wrapped in green paper.

"These came for you, my sweet wife—no card."

"Oh, I…" She took the bouquet from Adam and looked at the flowers and then up at Adam. "I have no idea who they're from, Adam. Honestly."

"What message do blue hyacinths send, Nell? I don't think poor, mad Ophelia had hyacinths. If they were columbine, I would think they were meant for me. Isn't columbine a flower of betrayal, cuckoldry? So what about hyacinth? Someone as naively romantic as you, Nell, should be well-versed in the language of flowers."

"Constancy." Nell barely said the words.

"At least you know he'll be waiting for you, that his love is constant." Adam turned to go to the dining room but paused. "Have Margery place them in a vase—we could use a centerpiece tonight." Then he continued on to dinner leaving a confused and upset Nell holding the large bouquet of hyacinths and ferns. Nothing was going as it should and an edge of fear crept into her being. Someone was doing this to her—or to Adam.


	18. Chapter 18

**This chapter contains an anachronism. The song Adam sings wasn't actually written until about ten years after this scene is to take place—but what the heck. It fits my purposes. **

**XVIII**

Again, Nell had gone to bed alone.

Adam had been snide all through dinner. Nell had tried to make light conversation but the vase of blue hyacinths which Adam insisted be placed on the table, stood in front of her as she tried to eat, her stomach in knots. Once she attempted to move the vase away but Adam had stood and placed them before her again. "Don't you want to look at then, Nell? Flowers that beautiful in practically the dead of winter must cost dearly. Appreciate them." Then Adam sat back down and took up his fork again.

"In the countryside," Adam started, motioning with his fork for emphasis, "when a dog is a chicken-killer but valuable in other ways—too valuable to shoot, they tie a dead chicken around its neck. The chicken begins to rot, to decompose and the dog, no matter what he does, can't get away from it—the rot and the smell, the ooze of putrefaction. He comes to loathe the smell of chickens, detest the sight of them and it cures the hound of the blood-lust. He'll walk sideways to avoid coming into contact with a chicken after that." Nell knew what the anecdote really meant, that he was referring to her and the hyacinths before her; she wanted to cry out her innocence and protest his cruelty but she wouldn't give him the satisfaction. And then Adam had left the table and gone to read the paper, not in his den but in the main room. Nell went out and with shaking hands, took up her cross stitch and silently worked but she kept missing the mark with the needle. When Adam was through with _The Sacramento Bee _and tossed the newspaper in the fire, he took up his guitar and began to pick out some tunes. Adam began to sing and he strummed, glancing at Nell and smiling.

"I'm ridin' on that New River Train,  
Ridin' on that New River Train,  
That same old train that brought me here,  
Is gonna carry me away again.

Darlin', you can't love one,  
Darlin', you can't love one,  
You can't love one and have any fun,  
Oh, darlin', you can't love one.

Darlin', you can't love two,  
Darlin', you can't love two,  
You can't love two and your heart be true,  
Oh, darlin', you can't love two.

Darlin', you can't love three,  
Darlin', you can't love three,  
You can't love three and still love me,  
Oh, darlin', you can't love three.

Darlin', you can't love four,  
Darlin', you can't love four,  
You can't love four and love me anymore,  
Oh, darlin' you can't love four..."

Nell threw down her needlework and rushed up the stairs and Adam sang even louder, "Darlin', you can't love five..." Hot tears stung her eyes. "I hate him," she whispered to herself. "I hate him! I hate him!" She slammed the bedroom door and undressed quickly, turning Margery away who had come up to see if she was needed, and crawled under the covers, pounding her pillow with impotent fury. She covered her face with her hands, her face flushed and hot. She decided she wouldn't speak to him, would be cold and unyielding until he apologized and said that he believed her. Yes, that's what she would do. Finally Nell fell asleep and she had been sleeping when Adam gently shook her awake. She sat up suddenly, her heart thumping..

"What?" Adam stood beside the bed, fully clothed and with his back to the window, she couldn't discern his expression. Nell didn't know what he wanted as when he desired her, he would wake her with kisses on her neck and shoulders and by running his hands over her but he was calm and merely looking at her.

"In the morning, pack. I'll go see Jess and tell him I'll be gone for few days. I'm taking you to the Ponderosa—we'll leave in the afternoon."

"How long?" Nell asked.

"I'm not sure. I'll rejoin you around Christmas. I'll decide then." Adam left the bedroom and in the morning when Margery came and woke her with a breakfast tray, Nell saw that Adam had never come to their bed. Nor was he home and that was the reason for the tray; she would be eating by herself.

Nell sat in a traveling suit waiting for Adam, her portmanteaus at her feet. She had also packed a small carpetbag for him as he said he would be staying only a short time and she knew that he had left many of his ranch clothes in Nevada. Nell was nervous and found it difficult to sit still but she wanted to remain calm. She glanced at the mantel clock; it was almost noon. The business closed at noon on Saturdays but since Adam was to be gone a few days, Nell wondered if he would be late in coming for her.

She turned at the sound of footsteps but it was Mrs. Chevy carrying a tray with tea and jam sandwiches.

"Here Miss," she said placing the silver tray on the low table before Nell. "A bit of refreshment since you asked for no lunch to be served. It'll take your mind off the waiting."

"I really can't eat and I swore off jam sandwiches."

"Now, their sweetness will cheer you up." Mrs. Chevy stood, her hands clasped in front of her, satisfied that the presentation with the lacy doily under the elegantly cut sandwiches and the fine bone china and linen napkins would be pleasing. Both she and Margery had done their best that morning to be kind to Nell as they both knew that the Mister had slept in one of the guest rooms indicating that the couple had a row, a row bad enough to cause the Mister to leave his wife's bed. It was the blue hyacinths. Mr. Cartwright had insisted that they be placed on the dinner table, smack in front of the Missus and she knew that Miss Nell was upset by it. And Margery had told Mrs. Chevy that Miss Nell had sent her away last night and had actually ripped away some of the hooks of her dress while struggling to remove it. And now the Mister was sending his wife away to his family. "I'm making a basket for the two of you to take along on the stage. It won't be a particularly long ride, about two days the Mister said, but he left with no breakfast—only coffee—and you didn't eat what was brought up either."

"Thank you, Mrs. Chevy." Nell reached out to pour herself some tea and then called the woman back.

"Yes, Miss."

"While I'm gone, please make certain that Mister Cartwright eats well, would you? Sometimes he works so hard he forgets to eat."

"Now don't you worry about him. I'll make certain I fix all his favorite foods." And smiling she went into the kitchen but once there, her smile dropped. Mrs. Chevy had a feeling that the Missus might stay in Nevada permanently, at least if the Mister had his way.

She and Margery and Dawson, all of whom had seen Nell grow from a girl to a woman, agreed that Nell certainly had been spoiled and never quite grown up and the two women granted that perhaps the Mister was a bit too strict with her now. After all, he was from the west, from a ranch and back there, they had heard, women were treated like pieces of property. Dawson had stated that the Mister was too lenient with his young wife; she should be roped and branded and then tethered; she had too much freedom and that led to her looking for excitement.

"Miss Nell needs to be filled with children, that'll keep her busy. If she were my wife, she'd have at least one child by now and another on the way."

"And that's why," Margery said with emphasis, "you're not married. There are ways now that a woman has that can prevent her from popping out one babe after another."

"What's the world coming to?" the middle-aged man asked. "Women deciding if and when they're having children. That's not how it should be. A man marries a woman, takes care of her, she should give him sons."

Margery and Mrs. Chevy just shook their heads in disgust and poured themselves more coffee.


	19. Chapter 19

**XIX**

The stage took two and half days to travel from Sacramento to Virginia City and the rocking, swaying motion of the coach lulled Adam to sleep and made Nell sick. The other riders were sympathetic to the beautiful young bride, especially after Adam had to hang out the coach door and slap the side to get the whip's attention; his wife was ill, Adam yelled up to him and could he pause for a moment. The driver reluctantly did, the horses stomping and snorting impatiently as they waited, while Adam pulled Nell from the stage just in time to keep her from spewing the lunch he had persuaded her to eat, over all the other passengers' feet. Nell began to cry and Adam's heart went out to her.

"It'll be all right, Nell. It won't be long until we're home." And Adam attempted to comfort her, giving her his handkerchief to wipe her mouth as she kneeled in the dirt.

"You'll be home," Nell managed between sobs, "but I won't be! I want to go home—my home, our home." Nell sobbed more strongly. She wanted to be back in her own room, in her own bed and be waited on by Margery and Mrs. Chevy. She wanted sweet, hot tea and jam sandwiches made with soft, white bread served to her on a tray. She wanted to have no worries to gnaw at her and she wanted most of all to have Adam back, her loving, laughing, gently teasing Adam who thrilled her in their bed at night.

Adam said nothing to Nell's plaintive cry, just helped her back on the stage and when the driver whipped up the horses and the coach jerked into motion, Nell grabbed Adam's arm, her stomach roiling. Adam gently pulled her head on his shoulder as he wrapped his other arm about her and it seemed to ease her somewhat; he felt Nell relax in his arms and felt twinges of guilt for having been so snide to her the past few days. He kissed her hair softly.

They managed to ride the rest of the way to Virginia City without another incident but that was because Nell wouldn't eat anything but some hardtack shred by an older man who looked like a dispirited gold miner. She would let the tasteless piece of cracker dissolve in her mouth and it seemed to settle her stomach for a bit. Other than the hard tack, the only times Nell felt any better were when the stage would pause at a way station and she could debark and sit and her dizziness and nausea retreated. At one way station, the manager's wife gave Nell chamomile and ginger tea and she became drowsy and slept for the next few hours, her breathing even and calm as well as her stomach as the coach traveled on through the darkness of the night and Adam held her next to him. They would be at the Ponderosa the next day.

"It's so good to see you again—such a nice surprise!" Ben kissed his daughter-in-law who tried to smile after Hoss, upon greeting them, had lifted her down bodily and deposited her in the yard and them bent down and kissed her. Ben had noticed the dark circles under Nell's eyes and the way Adam was watching her but Hoss and Joe didn't seem to notice anything and just stood grinning at the unexpected visit of older brother and his beautiful wife.

"Well, I would have sent a wire but decided to just surprise you. Hey, you two, make yourselves useful and get our bags," Adam said as he put out his hand which was immediately lost in both of Hoss'.

"Soon as you get home you try to boss us around," Joe sad grinning, clapping Adam on the shoulder but went to pull the bags off the rented buggy.

"Please don't think I'm rude," Nell said softly to Ben, "but may I be shown to a room to lie down?"

Hop Sing had come out and stood smiling at "Mistah Adam's" return. And here was his bride, a woman he had never seen and he was taken aback but how young she was and then, by how weary she looked.

"You come with Hop Sing," he said as he lightly took Nell's arm. "I show you room with best bed and make fire up so that you be warm. Too cold for Missy to be outside and not be well. You come. You like tea? Hop Sing make good tea for Missy."

Nell looked up to Adam as if asking his permission. "You better go along with Hop Sing," he said. "He lets us think the Ponderosa is ours so we'll do all the work, but it's really his." Nell smiled at Hop Sing—his face was so kind and sympathetic-and started to leave but Adam pulled her back and quickly kissed her on the cheek. "Try and get some sleep." She smiled weakly and continued with Hop Sing carrying her satchel and tenderly guiding her into the house.

Ben watched Adam as his gaze followed Nell until she was in the house.

"How long you stayin', oldest brother?" Hoss asked, jostling Adam with a bag he carried.

"Well, if I was staying until I tired of your company, I'd turn around right now and head back to Sacramento, but I'm just staying two nights. I brought Nell to give her time to know you two better and to change her mind about the two of you after your visit last summer. But now that I think of it, if she gets to know you better, it may work against that."

"Hey," Joe said as he carried two bags, "we were on our best behavior—well, except for that one night." And Joe grinned. "But she'd forgiven us by the time we left though."

At the end of a trail drive to San Francisco, Hoss and Joe decided that they would stop in Sacramento on their way back home and surprise Adam and his bride whom they'd never met.

"Pa said she was mighty pretty but young enough for you," Hoss said to Joe as they approached Adam's house. Although there were many cowboys in Sacramento and they weren't an unusual sight, there weren't many in this side of town, the part where the genteel society lived so Hoss and Joe raised eyebrows among the people who were out. The brothers had made it a game of tipping their hats to every woman on the streets who glanced at them and then smiling broadly as they rode through Sacramento.

"Maybe she'll take a shine to me and for once, oldest brother will have to play second fiddle to me," Joe said grinning.

"You best hope not," Hoss said. "Iffen she does, Adam'll probably twist your balls off right before your eyes and hand 'em to you. Look, there it is." Hoss pointed out the house. It was the house number that was Adam's return address on his letters home. In the dusky evening, the brothers could see the lamp glow from the open windows and the lace sheers fluttering in the light breeze.

"Now that's a nice house," Joe said with an appreciative whistle.

Hoss and Joe dismounted and tied their horses to one of the hitching posts, one on each side of the paved front walk.

"Well, ain't these fancy?" Hoss commented as he looped his horse's reins though the large ring that ran through a hole in the mouth of the cast iron horse's head atop the tall iron post. "Maybe we need a few of these on the Ponderosa," Hoss said, grinning. 'We don't want anyone to think we're backcountry ya-hoos, now, do we? 'Specially not Adam's wife!"

"Especially not her!" Joe said and he and Hoss laughed, Joe in his high-pitched giggle and Hoss in his loud guffaw. Then with Hoss slinging his huge arm across Joe's shoulders, they walked up the brick walkway lined with greenery and turned the bell, hearing it ring inside. It was opened by a young woman.

"Nell?' Joe asked. She wasn't near as pretty as he had been led to expect and he was disappointed.

"Oh, heavens, no. Have you come to call?" Margery stared from one to the other. "Do you have a card?"

"No'm," Hoss said, pulling off his huge hat, "We come to eat, sleep and see our older brother, Adam but we ain't got no card 'cept maybe an ace brother here forgot to slip outta his sleeve in a poker game."

"Oh my," Margery said, stepping aside while Hoss and Joe walked past her, Joe tipping his hat and grinning. Margery felt a little thrill at the cowboy with the green eyes and the curly hair—he was pretty and lively.

"Adam," Hoss bellowed. "Where're you hidin', you hornswoggler!"

"In here," Adam called back, "and you better have wiped your feet or I'm wiping up the cow shit you dragged in with your sorry ass!"

And Nell was dumfounded as the two cowboys came in and Adam clapped them both on the backs amid their boisterous talk and laughing. Nell didn't know what to make of them. Apparently, they were her brothers-in-law.

Over the next day, Nell never quite knew where she stood. She reprimanded Adam for his comments on Hoss' appetite—she was sure that Hoss would be hurt—but he just laughed the loudest and told her not to worry; Adam was being "mild" out of consideration for her. And Mrs. Chevy adored Hoss and his appetite and how he raved over her cooking and practically ate a whole gooseberry pie by himself. The fact that the men talked with their mouths full and their elbows on the table didn't offend Mrs. Chevy at all but Nell wondered how Adam could have grown up to have such practiced manners and Hoss and Joe didn't. When she had later mentioned it to Adam, he had said that his brothers could be the perfect gentlemen when called for but around family, around each other, they were just three brothers with no pretensions, three men who enjoyed each other's company. That's who they were.

And their conversations! Nor just at the table but at all times the three men were together It seemed to Nell that they were constantly saying "Excuse me, Nell," and "Pardon my language, Nell," because curse words would come out during their conversations which were loud and full of deep laughter, one brother talking over the other, all three constantly animated. Once Joe laughed so hard that he rocked his dinner chair back and Nell feared he would fall over

The last evening of Joe and Hoss' visit, the three brothers went to town. Adam said they were going to have a few beers and maybe play a bit of poker but it was after midnight and they weren't yet home-Nell couldn't sleep. She worried about them. She had seen how rambunctious they were and kept picturing scenarios of gunfights or fisticuffs. Nell had tried to read but couldn't concentrate and then she heard three loud voices singing from downstairs,

"I ride an Ol' Paint, I lead an Ol' Dan  
I'm off for Cheyenne to do the hoolihan.

Good-bye, Ol' Paint, I'm leaving Cheyenne  
Good-bye, Ol' Paint, I'm leaving Cheyenne.

Ol' Paint's a good pony, he paces when he can,  
Good-bye, my little Annie, I'm off for Cheyenne…"

Nell grabbed her wrap and quickly put it on. She rushed to the top of the stairs and saw the three brothers, one arm thrown over the shoulder of the others, Joe in the middle and obviously the drunkest as he was being held up by Hoss and Joe, attempt to maneuver up the stairs.

"What is going on?" Nell asked, staring in wonder.

"It's all right, Nell," Adam said, grinning at her worried look. "Joe's just a little bit drunk."

"I'm just a little bit drunk, Nell." Joe said, confirming Adam's report. "Don't worry. I will be fine after I throw up." And then Joe made an odd noise and he vomited on the first few stairs.

"Dang it, Joe," Hoss said. "You got that shit all over my boots. Now I'm gonna stink like sour beer!"

Adam stifled laughter as he shifted his grasp on Joe whose knees were buckling under him.

"Got news for you, Hoss," Joe said. "You already stink like sour beer." And he giggled.

Hoss and Adam dragged Joe up the stairs. Joe tried to find each step but had trouble; his feet kept slipping. As they passed Nell on the landing, Joe said to her, "You oughta get those stairs fixed—they keep moving away." Adam roared with laughter while Hoss guffawed and Nell fumed.

She went into the bedroom and when Adam came in, she was determined to reprimand him and chastise him for bringing his brothers home drunk and who did he think he was to come home drunk as well? But she never had the chance. When Adam came into the bedroom, he grabbed her, kissed her and pulled her to him as he fell on the bed. "They took whores," he said as he ran his lips down her throat, "but I just wanted my beautiful Nell…my own private whore with the sweetest, most luscious body I've ever known." Nell wanted to resist Adam, to punish him but his mouth was too demanding and his hands found all the right places and soon they were both naked and tussling on the bed. Nell found herself crying out in pleasure, not even considering that Adam's two brothers were also in the house.

And now she was in Nevada and there were five men with whom to contend. Nell felt helpless. She wished she had Abby to console her—Abby would understand.


	20. Chapter 20

**FYI—This section contains a reference to a cuckoo bird. Some cuckoo species (brood parasites) lays their egg in another bird's nest. Then when the egg hatches—and they grow quickly and usually hatch first, the cuckoo which is larger than other birds, grows and pushes the other eggs, fledglings out of the nest and the mother bird feeds only it-constantly until it leaves the nest**.

XX

Nell spent the next day in bed trying to recover from her eternal nausea. Hop Sing was solicitous and kind and Nell began to feel better. Even in the upstairs bedroom she could hear the loud male voices below and the raucous laughter among the four men and upon occasion, Hop Sing's voice raised above the others, usually in a chastising tone. Nell found it unsettling; she wasn't used to being around that many men, especially such boisterous men, but she understood now Adam's need to spend time at the office with Jess and some of the other men who had invited him to join a club. Adam said at the club they played cards as they smoked cigars and drank good brandy or discussed politics and finances without any of "them female wimmen" he teased, "to nag us". Initially, Nell was hurt that Adam didn't want to spend all his free time with her until Jess had told her that he and Adam made good connections by joining the club and even though the dues were steep, it paid off. Nell had once complained to Bee but Bee had laughed and said that she was glad for the time alone as she was around Jess all day at the office. Her only complaint was that Jess didn't spend more time at the club.

With Nell upstairs in her room most of the time and Adam only staying two nights, no one noticed the awkwardness between Nell and Adam—except Hop Sing.

"Missy want anything?" Hop Sing asked. Nell was sitting up in bed reading a book of poetry. "I tell Mistah Adam to come up see you—say goodnight." The night before, Adam had gone into town with his brothers and although he had been home fairly early, Nell had been asleep and he didn't wake her. But this was his last night; tomorrow, he was leaving on the early stage.

"No, don't…please, Hop Sing. Let Mister Adam spend time with his family."

"But you his family—soon more family."

"What?" Nell asked. She wondered if some more relatives were coming to visit Adam before he left tomorrow.

"You—with child. Soon new baby Cartwright." Hop Sing grinned. The idea of having a new Cartwright, another generation, pleased him.

"No, no," Nell said awkwardly. "I'm not…" and then she realized that he hadn't bled recently. "Hop Sing, I don't think I'm with child—it's just the motion of the stage; it made me ill. If you would bring me some tea to help me sleep, I would appreciate it." Hop Sing said he would and left and Nell began to think back. She had noticed her dresses were tighter around the bust and waist but she had put it down to jam sandwiches. She had packed some travel pads, disposable cheesecloth with cotton wadding in case she started her bleeding while visiting but now that she considered, it had been a while. But, no, she told herself—she wasn't with child. No. It was the traveling—only that. But fear perched in the back of her mind. As far as she was concerned, she wanted a child, had told Abby she did, but she dreaded the pain and the blood and the risks that came with it. It was much better to be childless—at least for now.

Hop Sing brought up the tea and Adam followed him, waiting, his hands shoved in his pockets until he and Nell were alone before he said anything. Then Adam sat on the edge of the bed, careful not to jostle her while she drank the tea.

"Hop Sing said you were going to sleep and I wanted to say goodnight; I'm leaving early in the morning and if you're sleeping, well, I won't wake you." Adam searched her face for some sign of concession as she had barely spoken to him the past two days.

"I hope you have an uneventful trip back and Mrs. Chevy said that she would cook all your favorite foods." Nell sipped more tea, still refusing to meet his eyes. He suddenly took the cup and saucer from her, spilling some on the counterpane.

"Adam! Look what you've done," Nell said, wiping her hand over the golden stain.

"That's what I've been doing—looking, looking at you—at what I've done. Nell, this is all my fault…all of it. I accused you of having an affair because you received flowers and then I was snide and insulting and I know I was wrong; it's a bad flaw I have—I can't admit I'm wrong but I am now. I've been in the wrong. Nell, if you're seeing another man…"

Nell interrupted him. "If I'm seeing another man? If? You still entertain the possibility that I might be carrying on with someone else. You…you…" Nell stared ahead—her mouth tight. She willed herself not to cry.

"Nell, I told you I was sorry—what more do you want me to do?"

"To leave. That's what I want you to do. Just leave." She practically spat the words at him.

Adam stood up, his face expressionless. "All right. I'll do just that. I always give you what you want, Nell."

Adam walked out of the bedroom and closed the door behind him and Nell's eyes filled with tears. She wanted him to go and then she wanted him to stay. _I don't know what I want. I don't even know if I want a child. But I do want him. _She curled up in a ball, wondering if Hop Sing was right and she was carrying a child, a growing being inside her—a person. She would wait—it should become obvious soon if she was and she hoped she wasn't.

That night as Nell was asleep, she woke as Adam's arms slipped around her and she felt his body press next to her as she lay on her side but he never said a word, just gave a small sigh as he moved to become comfortable. Nell remained still but stared at the far wall, feigning sleep. After a few minutes, she heard Adam's even breathing—_the sleep of the innocent_. He had made that comment to her one morning months ago—when they were happy, she thought, and she had fallen asleep so quickly in his arms. Life was perfect then, Nell thought—just like a romance novel. And now Adam's body was so close, so warm…Nell couldn't decide whether or not to wake him up, to kiss him and tell him that she loved him—there was no other man but him but she didn't. And then she caught her breath-if she was with child—what would he think? What might he say? But then she knew what he would say—he would ask if it was his. That's what he would say—"Am I going to be raising someone else's bastard—a cuckoo?" Nell decided that he would probably say something like that and she hoped she wasn't carrying a child—not yet; she wasn't ready and she didn't really know how Adam would behave with such a revelation.

Adam sat at his desk in the den, a mug of coffee beside him, a list of different types of Italian marble tile before him. The samples had been sent from Italy and he had gone over them at the shop, running his hands over their polished surfaces and making notes on the manifest. He had brought home the three samples he liked the best and he had to decide which type to use in the cattle baron's house—Mr. Delaware. Just that morning, Mr. And Mrs. Delaware had come into the shop to look at the basic plans of their manor before the foundation was laid. They were a rotund couple and the wife wore a long strand of pearls looped over her neck many times, running the bottom two longest strands through her fingers as a nervous habit. Adam noticed that her lip rouge was uneven and smeared in the corners of her mouth. Nevertheless, their clothing was expensive, Mrs. Delaware's dress decorated with rows of elegant lace on the sleeves and neckline and edging the tiers of her dress. They adored Adam's and Jess' plans and just as Jess had predicted, the wife wanted more wrought iron railings and wanted Italian marble floors. So Adam was trying to choose. Then he would present the samples in the order of favor at the next consultation.

It had been two weeks since he had taken Nell to the Ponderosa and Adam missed her more than he had anticipated. When he was busy at the shop—and he and Jess were more busy than usual doing mundane tasks since Billy James had to take over Bee's duties, he only thought of Nell in anguished flashes but then something would come up to distract him an for that moment she was out of mind, but when he was alone or not busy—when he tried to fall asleep at night, his yearning for her became acute as now—almost a physical pain, a hunger and a longing. He groaned in his desolation. He wanted to see her, hear her voice and her laughter, to feel her arms around his neck and to hold her next to him at night. Adam realized that he needed Nell. And now he had to decide what he would do next. He had left things so unreconciled.

It had been two days after Adam had returned from the Ponderosa when Abby Weems came by the shop. Adam stepped into the outer office to talk to her, sending Billy James who had been struggling to type a letter, to the back office to work on the filing which is what he had been doing.

"Gladly," Billy James said. "I swear that infernal machine is a tool of the devil. I strike a letter key and somehow, someway, that machine prints out another letter. If I didn't know better, I'd think Bee took it apart, changed things around and then put it back together so that her job is safe—no one else can type on that thing."

Adam chuckled and Billy James left them alone. "How nice to see you, Abby. What can I do for you?"

Abby's face was stern. "I hadn't heard from Nell and she hadn't responded to my note so I thought she was angry with me over something although that's not like her. Then I thought that perhaps you had forbidden her to see me. So I stopped by the house with a Christmas present and Mrs. Chevy said that Nell was in Nevada and she didn't know when she would be back. When will she be home?"

"I'm going back to rejoin her in Nevada a few days before Christmas and we probably won't return until the New Year but Nell might stay on longer."

"Why? Why might she stay on longer? You sent her away so quickly that she couldn't even tell me goodbye. Is she hurt?"

"No, of course not." Adam was puzzled. "Why would you ask me that?"

"For a few reasons. When I asked Mrs. Chevy, she seemed nervous as if she was afraid she would say too much. Secondly, Nell's leaving happened overnight, almost as if you wanted to hide her away before anyone could see her. I can't help but be suspicious of your motives."

Adam didn't know what to say. "Abby, it's nothing like that. Nell is fine—well, she had a bad trip and became ill but when I left her, she was doing much better."

Abby took a deep breath and then said, "You don't know much about Nell even though you think you do."

Adam watched Abby closely. He didn't quite understand what was happening. "I think I know my wife; I know her very well."

"No, you don't. You just know one side of her—the physical side." Abby's nervousness was showing and that put Adam on guard. He realized that something was below the surface—something that Abby knew, something Nell told her and his mind raced ahead trying to determine what it might be. "I know her far better than you—we grew up together and have always been there for each other. We confided in each other our fears, our hopes, our first loves and our first heartbreaks as well as our pain and happiness over the years. I suspect that you may have sent her away before she could tell me what you'd done."

"What I've done? Abby, I admit that we've been having a hard time these past few days but our marriage is still intact and I do love her. I would hope that if she were here, she'd tell you that she loves me."

"I doubt that's what you hope. I know what Nell thinks of you. She's told me about how you…" Abby stopped and realized that she had said too much. Adam was still watching her carefully and Abby suddenly felt afraid of what he might do. She felt that Adam was poised the way a great cat is before it pounces.

"What has she told you—exactly?" Adam waited—barely breathing.

Abby reconsidered her tact. "Nothing except that….well, sometimes you treat her…as if she was a common woman."

Adam's brow furrowed and he looked suspiciously at Abby. "What do you mean by that? A common woman?"

"Nothing. I shouldn't have said anything but I do think that you don't deserve her." Abby started to leave but then turned. "You sent Nell away because she is...because you think she's having an affair, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"You don't deserve her," Abby said and walked out.

And Adam reconsidered Abby's words. _You sent Nell away because she is…because you think she's having an affair._ Abby had said Nell _is_. And Adam couldn't decide if it had been a slip revealing the truth or if Abby simply misspoke. All afternoon he ruminated over it—_she is_- until he thought he would lose his mind.

So that evening in his den, as Adam drank his coffee, he ran his fingers over a piece of pale pink marble, cool and smooth. Adam considered that it was the color of Nell's skin and was as smooth as her body but as the marble was cold and hard, his wife's skin was warm and yielding. He thought back on Nell's body and her expression as he pleasured her nights and he knew that he had to return to decided; tomorrow he would leave for the Ponderosa. Things couldn't go on the way they were and Adam held up the piece of shell-pink marble. "This one," he said as looked at it. That was his top choice for the Delaware house.


	21. Chapter 21

**XXI**

Adam had met with the Delaware's and shown them his suggestions for materials. He advised them not to line the fireplace with marble as they had wanted. "It's too hard to clean. Now if all you want is a fireplace and mantle just for show, fine." They had discussed a furnace below the house that could be kept stoked in the winter and the heat could be piped into the rooms. "There would still be soot where the heat rises from the floor vents so think carefully about what you want," Adam had advised. Jess sat in on the meeting but just listened; his mind seemed elsewhere.

That morning, Adam had told Jess that he was going back to Nevada, would stay until the New Year and then return. Jess had said that he had hoped that in case something went wrong with Bee whose feet and legs were so swollen that mere walking was uncomfortable, Adam would be there to run the business but now he wouldn't. So Jess worried all through the meeting about what he could do, would be able to do if something happened. He couldn't leave things in young Billy James' hands. After the Delawares left very happy with the choice of materials for their new house, Jess told Adam that they needed to talk privately. Adam closed the door to the front of the shop where Bill James sat trying to type of a proposal.

"Adam, I'm going to have to close the shop or at least keep it to half days while you're gone. Bee…well, I haven't told you how bad she feels. I'm really worried about her. The baby's not due until mid to late January but she may not be able to hold out that long."

"I'm sorry, Jess. Of course, close up, go to half days, whatever you think best. I leave it up to you—I won't complain."

"No, you wouldn't complain because you don't rely on the money that comes in as much as I do. You forget, Adam, I don't come from a wealthy family. And now I'll have to support a child too and Bee won't be earning a paycheck either. I mean I know we just paid her little but it was something for her to buy things she needed for herself and for the baby." Jess turned his back to Adam as he felt himself overcome with emotion

"I'm sorry, Jess. I didn't think. I didn't mean anything by it."

"Adam, that's just it," Jess said, his hands out imploringly. "All you think about is Nell. You spoil her and indulge her and she's turned your life upside down. She was supposed to take over Bee's job but in the last minute you decided, no. You never discussed it with me, never asked me if it was all right and now Billy James has to do everything that Bee had done and we have to add his original chores to ours and with you taking off for three weeks, well, I'll have to do all of it!"

"I'm sorry, Jess. I…it's just that Nell, well…."

"You worry about Nell and I worry about Bee. The doctor is monitoring her because she might develop…I forget what it's called—"pre" something or the other, and she might need to have the baby cut out to be delivered early. I'm worried sick about bills and this job of the Delawares and now this morning two more commissions came in and they both have to be written up and… and….I feel I'm losing my mind here and all you care about is going back to Nevada to fuck your wife while mine might…die." A sob caught in Jess' throat.

Adam waited, considering what to say. "You're right, Jess. I'm sorry. I could write you a check, a Christmas gift of a few hundred and then…"

"I don't want your money, Adam!" Jess turned on him. "There's more to things than just money. I don't understand what it is about you and Nell. I just don't but whatever it is, it's interfering with our business. Instead of your going to Nevada, why don't you just have Nell sent home? I mean I understand about your family being there and Christmas coming and all, but really, Adam—things can't go on this way. I need you here. We're partners, remember?"

Adam stood and looked at Jess. The man was in danger of losing his wife and Adam had been so self-involved that he had failed to notice the seriousness of the situation. Jess was correct and he knew it. He would go and fetch Nell—a total of a week's time. Maybe he would pack up a wagon and drive her home himself, avoiding the stage and hopefully, Nell's nausea. And he wanted to tell Jess about Nell and the flowers and his suspicions and why he had been behaving the way he had but his cautious, suspicious nature prevailed; maybe it was Jess who had sent the flowers. Jess seemed to want Nell back home, wanted Nell to work in the office. Was it so they could carry on under his nose or was it that Nell truly didn't know who sent the flowers and Jess was waiting for the right time to declare his love for her? And then Adam was ashamed of himself. Jess had never been anything but honest and supportive and Adam had always sensed that Jess loved Bee and she loved him. Adam could well understand Jess' worries about Bee's health and the baby; he could lose his wife or even both her and the child.

"You're right, Jess. I've only been concerned about…I'm sorry. It's probably best if Nell comes home but like I told you, the stage ride made her ill. I've seen some passengers get queasy but nothing like Nell. She was still nauseated the day after we arrived at the Ponderosa and was still a bit ill when I left. I can't have her put on a stage by herself—it would be too callous."

Jess seemed chagrined. "I'm sorry, Adam. All that just came out—I've just been so worried. I've been feeling sorry for myself, I guess and this morning, well, Bee was so lethargic and didn't want anything to eat. I've been waiting on her hand and foot and I wrote her sister but she can't come out yet to help. I just don't know what to do. If he has to take the baby, the doctor says he has to cut her open and there's still the chance that things may not go well. I just…"

Adam put his hand on Jess' shoulder. "Don't worry about the business—you have enough to concern you as it is." Jess smiled wanly. "I'll go fetch Nell," Adam continued. "She should be home—you're right. I'll be gone about a week and a half. If any longer, I'll wire you. Close the shop for half-days; it'll give you more time to spend at home and don't worry about bills. We're partners and Bee is dear to me so don't worry about money. Just name the baby Adam if it's a boy."

Jess smiled. "Okay, I'll name it Adam but if it looks like you as well then we have another problem." And they laughed, reconciled. Adam's heart lightened. All was well here and Nell would be coming home. He had decided what was to be done.

"Go home, Jess. Since I'll be leaving early tomorrow, I'll stay late today and when you arrive in the morning and see all that I've accomplished, you'll say what a great son-of-a-bitch I am."

"Thanks, Adam. Since I've already been calling you a son-of-a-bitch already under my breath, I'll be sure to add the 'great' to it. " Jess went to the store room in the back and brought out his hat and heavy coat. The he stopped before he went out. "I am sorry, Adam, about all the things I said. I guess I'm the one who's been so self-centered, only thinking of my own troubles. Tell your father and brothers hello for me and kiss Nell. Have a nice trip and maybe, just maybe, you'll have a new godson when you get back." Jess put on his hat and coat and left and Adam stood at the window and watched Jess break into a slow trot in his hurry to get home. Adam wondered what he would do if Nell was in the same condition as Bee. And Adam knew that he would be going mad with fear under those conditions.

As evening fell, Adam sent Billy James home. "You can finish tomorrow. I'll be gone for about a little over a week. Sorry about all the slack you'll have to pick up. Anyway, Jess'll open in the morning but if something happens and Bee has the baby or such and the shop isn't open by eight, go home and try again later. If you need me at some time and Jess is busy, wire me at the Ponderosa, Virginia City, Nevada. I'll get it."

As much as he wanted to leave for the day, Billy James was reluctant to leave. "I can stay longer, Mr. Cartwright. I haven't finished typing that contract yet."

"It'll wait. Go home. I'll be leaving in a few minutes myself."

Billy James left and after adding a few more touches to the final blueprint, Adam decided he would go. He stood and realized how sore and tight his back was. He stretched to loosen it up and then, putting on his hat and jacket, he turned down the lamps and considering that soon they might have gas lights, he locked the door. It was rapidly becoming darker and the streets were basically empty as most people were home for dinner, their families waiting to greet them. His acute loneliness hit him again. He passed a jeweler and glanced in the window and then stopped. In a satin-lined box was a brooch of flowers-roses. Adam knocked on the glass door, ignoring the "Closed" sign as he saw someone standing at a counter writing in a ledger, more than likely counting the day's sales.

The man looked up and then walked to the door and motioned to the sign. Adam nodded but then loudly said, "I would like to buy this." He pointed to the brooch.

The older man opened the door. "I'm closed, young man. Can you come back tomorrow?"

"I'm leaving tomorrow and I would like to buy that brooch for my wife for a Christmas present. I know she would like it. I'll pay you extra for your time." The man considered and then he opened the door and allowed Adam entrance. "Thank you," Adam said.

The man went to the widow after ascertaining it was the brooch Adam wanted to see, and lifted out the box and then turned up the lamp on the counter. He handed the box to Adam who slid the brooch out of the satin pillow on which it rested and looked at it closely.

"It's from England," the jeweler said, "9 karat gold. The center of the roses are pearls and the bow around the bouquet is made of garnets, each one individually set. It's fine work—good craftsmanship. See how well balanced it is and the gentle curve of the stems. The garnets which are the heaviest are at the bottom to keep it straight but it's not so heavy it will pull on any fabric. I wouldn't recommend it being pinned to silk or satin—no pin should be but these are usually worn at the neck or on a lapel"

"How much?"

"Well, now, for the brooch, $35.00, but you had said…"

"Yes, I said I'd pay more-$40.00—the five is for your time and the extra bookkeeping. Do we have a sale?"

"Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir. Just come this way."

A few minutes later, Adam was walking home feeling lighter in his soul. He would apologize to Nell and give her the brooch as a token of his love. She could wear eternal roses and know that his love for her was eternal as well. He smiled thinking of how pleased she would be. All would be well and he would bring Nell home.


	22. Chapter 22

XXII

Hoss had driven to town to pick up Adam who had arrived on the last stage of the day and they wouldn't be home in time for dinner so Hoss suggested they go to The International House before heading back. Adam was hesitant; he was hungry but he wanted to see Nell.

"She ain't goin' nowhere, Adam, and she ain't cryin' over missin' you neither. And don't worry none about Hop Sing—he knows not to expect us but he said he'd save us some dessert—a three layer vanilla cake with boiled icing. Can't get no better than that."

Adam had to agree—he had missed Hop Sing's extravagant desserts-so Hoss parked the buckboard in front of the livery and they walked down the wooden sidewalk to the restaurant, Adam's carpetbag stowed under the seat. A few men who were out stopped Adam to shake his hand as they mentioned they hadn't seen him in a while. They would ask about Sacramento and if he was stayin' in town and then go on their way. And in the The International House, Beth, the waitress who was old enough to be Adam's mother, ruffled Adam's dark hair and told him it was good to see him back although he did look big-city now.

"Heard you got married," Beth said as she filled their coffee cups before taking their order.

"Yes," Adam said. "She's at the Ponderosa."

"Well. Bring 'er in sometime. Like to meet who finally hogtied you into matrimony." Hoss laughed and so did Beth buy Adam could only manage a weak grin.

When their orders came, the brothers sat in the restaurant with generous plates of roast beef and mashed potatoes covered with gravy, green peas, a basket of buttery biscuits and Hoss had a tall glass of milk.

"Has it snowed much?" Adam asked as he moved food around on his plate. His appetite had left him.

"Not too much-not enough to cause trouble for the stock. Looks like it's gonna be a mild winter, leastways that's what the almanac says, but you know how that goes." Hoss kept on eating. "Ain't you hungry, Adam?"

"Not really." Adam put down his fork. "How's Nell?"

"She's fine. Still kinda quiet. Pa told Joe and me that she might not be used to all the noise and such and for us to settle down so we been real good." Hoss stared at Adam who looked morose. "What's the problem, Adam? I thought it was strange for you to just leave her here and go off to Sacramento. Any trouble with the business? I mean I know you ain't one to grouse and complain and all and no sayin' I could even be any help…but iffen you need anything, anything, just tell me. You don't even need to ask—just tell. "

Adam sighed and sat back. "Thanks for the offer but it's nothing, really. I just…hurry up and eat would you? I want to get home." What Adam wanted to say was that he was desperate to get to Nell. Having her only an hour's drive away was tearing him apart. He felt the small box in his pocket. Nell would be pleased with the gift—he hoped.

The windows of the Ponderosa glowed with warmth and Adam felt a certain calm envelope him—it was that his father was there. Adam knew he was too old to depend on his father and that a grown man such as he shouldn't need his father but yet, the prospect of having the tall, strong man on whom to lean was calming. Hoss pulled up in the yard and Joe came out to greet them. Hoss tossed Joe the reins of the buckboard as Adam jumped down, carrying his bag.

"Put this away, would ya, Joe?"

"How come I have to?" Joe protested. "I didn't even get to go in town."

"'Cause you're the youngest," Hoss answered, grinning. "C'mon, Adam. Bet Nell's just waitin' to see you."

Adam wasn't so sure.

"Welcome home, Adam," Joe said as they shook hands. "As you can see, things haven't changed. I'm still being shit on as the youngest."

"Oh, c'mon," Adam said, clapping Joe on the back. "You oughta be shit-proof by now." The laughed and Adam looked to the house. He shifted his carpet bag to the other hand and followed Hoss.

As soon as Adam saw Nell, he realized that things hadn't changed between the two of them; he had hoped that she would have missed him and come running to him but she held back as Ben greeted Adam and Hop Sing came out. Then Nell smiled and Adam went to her and kissed her softly, wrapping his arms around her.

"I missed you," he said in a low voice, his mouth near her ear so only she could hear.

"Yes, well…" Nell looked at him. "I'm glad that you're here safely and I apologize but I'm going upstairs—to sleep. I just seem so tired all the time." She gently pushed Adam's hands off and said goodnight to Ben, Hoss and Hop Sing and went up the stairs, Adam watching her longingly. If it had been even a month ago, Adam would have considered Nell's going to bed that early as an invitation to a sexual romp and then a night of agonizingly slow love-making, Nell eager to reach her satisfaction and Adam teasing her along until he himself could no longer bear it. But not now. Nell had been less than inviting.

Nevertheless, after spending time with his family and Hoss and Joe going to bed, Adam said goodnight to his father and went to the room where he and Nell were staying. He had woken Nell, pushed up her nightgown and taken her and then, after she had gone to sleep again, he went down and talked to his father about the state of his marriage. He felt a fool about the situation but he was searching for some words of consolation. And then his father had told him about Marie and her flirtatious ways and his "unfounded"—he emphasized that—suspicions that she was having an affair.

Adam had thought back to Marie; he had never particularly cared for her mainly because she was so sexual and flirtatious, even mildly flirtatious with him. Late Adam realized that her small touches on his cheek and her attempts to share a small, intimate joke with him were the only ways she knew to have males like her. And he realized that he and his father had much more in common than he had ever considered.

And now Adam was back upstairs and watching his wife sleep like a small child, her face soft and lovely. So pure, so innocent. Adam pondered what had happened between them—what he had caused to happen as nothing had turned out as he expected—nothing. And he realized that he had forgotten to give Nell the brooch. Tomorrow—he would give it to her tomorrow.

********************************************************

The light woke her and then Adam's hands were tenderly on her. Nell was a bit surprised at first and then she remembered that she was still angry with him.

"Nell," he said looking down at her. His hair was tousled, his face covered with stubble and she could see the beginning of gray in his hair. "We need to talk—please. I'm sorry about last night, about taking you like I did, but I wanted you and you've been…cold. I responded in kind—a foolish, immature way to handle things. Nell, I fear I've lost you due to my suspicions. I…I can't help how I feel but I need to be more rational. Oh, Nell, I do love you—I adore you and I swear that the whole world can send you flowers and I won't say another word. You deserve a bouquet every day and…well, wait. I have something for you."

Nell sat up and pushed her hair off her face. She watched Adam as he stood going through his jacket pocket and then he came back to the bed, smiling, and a box in his hand. He crawled back under the covers.

"It's an early Christmas present." Adam gave her the box and Nell took it but just stared at it.

"Thank you but…I haven't anything for you. Perhaps I should wait to open this." She held the box in her hand. It was covered with indigo velvet.

"If you forgive me," he said, "That's gift enough." He watched her face hoping to see something that would give him confidence. And he did. Nell reached up and tentatively touched his face.

"Adam, I…I have nothing to forgive. I do love you and I'm sorry that I've behaved so…." Tears filled her eyes. He was asking for her forgiveness and although in the back of her mind she wanted to punish him more, she knew she wouldn't—couldn't. He had humbled himself and that was enough.

"No, no," Adam said as he touched her lips with the fingertips of one hand. "Don't. I deserve worse than what you've doled out. I should be…horsewhipped, black snaked, tarred and feathered, hanged by my thumbs!"

Nell laughed, sniffing back tears at the same time and then threw her arms around his neck, the box falling in the tangle of sheets. Adam held her to him. He felt his heart swell with happiness; she had forgiven him and still loved him and he wanted her. Her warmth, her scent and the feel of her body next to his caused the normal reaction and he felt the urge rise against his belly. But he also knew he had to go slowly.

"Open the box," he said.

Nell, smiling through her tears, searched for the box among the bedclothes and found it. She pushed up the top of the hinged box and Adam watched her face. She seemed not to know what to say as she ran her fingertips over the brooch.

Adam feared she misinterpreted his actions, thought that the flowers being roses was sarcastic so he spoke rapidly. "It's not meant as anything but my gift of roses to you. I've never given you roses before, Nell, and I should have. I wanted to give you this so you could have roses from me every day." He watched her face. "I love you, Nell. I know I'm a nasty bastard sometimes but…I'll try to curb my tongue." He touched her cheek. "So fair art thou, my bonnie lass, so deep in love am I, that I will love thee still, my dear, 'til all the seas gang dry." He meant the words that he quoted from Robert Burns—he did love her and he knew he always would. She was his red, red rose.

"It's beautiful, Adam. Thank you." Nell lowered her eyelashes and then coyly looked up at him. "Don't curb your tongue too much—at least not in all the ways you use it." She smiled mischievously and Adam knew then that he could approach her.

"Well," he said as he slid a hand up her gown, "why don't you take this off and I'll use my tongue in a more pleasing manner. I've missed the taste of you, the taste of honey."

Nell giggled and then slipped her gown over her head and quickly pulled the sheet back up as she tossed the gown aside. She slid down on the bed and smiled up at Adam. He laughed lightly in anticipation and then kissed her neck, working his way down her body to the warm, moist place between her legs, the place that was the source of both their pleasure. Adam realized how very much he had missed Nell and from her sighs, it seemed she had missed him as well.

They lay together, Nell enveloped by Adam's arms, feeling safe and happy. "I smell bacon and eggs," Nell said. "Aren't you hungry?"

"Yes. How about we go down to breakfast. I can shave later." He kept his eyes closed, not really wanting to move.

"I'm not that hungry," Nell said, sitting up but holding the sheet across her, "but I've found I feel better with some toast in my stomach. Hop Sing has been making me a special tea for my stomach."

Adam opened his eyes and looked at her. "Are you still sick? Nell, it's been almost three weeks and, well, I need to go back to Sacramento Monday and I hoped to take you back with me. I considered taking a buckboard and you and I traveling that way but…well, now I think I'd be too rough on you and not as fast because we wouldn't have new teams every so often. There's also the chance of some rogue Indians and who knows what else."

Nell considered. "I think I could travel on a stage…Hop Sing has also been giving me some lozenges; he buys them in Chinatown. If I had some of those to calm my stomach…"

"Nell, I don't like the idea of you taking those lozenges. Some of the things the Chinese sell as medicine—powdered antlers, pickled lizards, dried shark fin-for all you know, those lozenges may be made of tiger testicles."

Nell slapped Adam's chest. "Oh, Adam, they're perfectly fine. They're chamomile, ginger and sugar and they help. Hop Sing makes them in the kitchen. Now, I'm going down to breakfast. Put some clothes on and join me—join us." Nell rose from the bed and pulled her wrap off a chair and slipped it on but before she could tie it shut, Adam called to her and stood up. He took her wrist and pulled her to him.

"Don't," he said and pushed open her robe. He had noticed her areoles were a darker color and seemed larger, the nipples protruding more. He ran his thumb over one and Nell pulled away. "Sensitive?"

"No, it's just that…I mean you just finished pulling on them with your mouth a few minutes ago—that's all." Nell closed up her robe.

"Oh, my God, I've been stupid." Adam made a sound of both shock and disgust at himself. "You're with child, aren't you? That's why you been ill and your body—damn, Nell, why didn't you tell me?"

"No, I'm not. I'm not…there's no child. I…" Nell looked helpless. "Oh, Adam, I'm so scared!" She began to cry.

"It's okay, Nell, it's okay, Everything will be okay." Adam held her next to him and stroked her dark hair. He had more to contend with now. He was both terrified and happy at the same time. Adam decided that he had to take Nell home as soon as possible but first, he would take Nell to see Dr. Martin. Adam pulled back and held Nell's face in his hands and looked at her. She looked far too young to be carrying a child, anyone's child. _Anyone's child._ He felt as if someone had punched him in the stomach. What if it wasn't his but some man's by-blow? Then he realized-he didn't care. Even if it turned out that the child was someone else's, even if the infant looked like someone else, it didn't matter-it would be Nell's and that was enough for him; he would love it and be proud to raise it.

"Now, wipe your face—here." He wiped her face with his thumbs as he held it cupped in his hands. "Don't cry or my family will think I beat you—or worse." He kissed her and smiled gently. "We'll keep it our secret until before we leave—all right?" Nell looked up at him expectantly and nodded. "You go downstairs and I'll throw on some clothes and join you. Now go." He swatted her on her buttocks. She smiled, trying to appear cheerful and left, looking back once. Adam stood for a moment. Then he sighed deeply and pulled a pair of work trousers out of a drawer and a faded blue shirt. He had made up his mind to be happy—happiness was a choice. He would be happy and he would achieve it by loving Nell and the child no matter what. No matter what.


	23. Chapter 23

**XXIII**

Joe and Hoss were thrilled they would soon be uncles but protested Nell and Adam leaving and not staying for Christmas or through the New Year. Ben smiled at the news of the child but watched Adam; how did his son actually feel about the child? After what Adam had told him, Ben could understand if Adam had taken the news with reserve—the same way he had when Marie had told him she was _enceinte_. But just as he had, Ben realized that Adam was accepting the child as his and hopefully would love the child as much as he loved Joe no matter what. But sometimes Ben would look at Joe, at his green eyes, beautiful face and curly brown hair and still wonder as he tried to see himself in his son's face.

Dr. Martin had confirmed Hop Sing's proclamation that there would be another Cartwright sometime in May. Leaving Nell in the examining room for her to arrange her clothing, Paul went out to talk to Adam.

"You don't seem any too happy about the good news," Paul said. He had expected Adam to be a grinning, swaggering fool as so many men were when they found out they were to be fathers.

"Oh, it's not that. Nell is so young and I worry…and she hasn't been well."

"Women younger than Nell have children; some women, well, girls actually, marry at 13, 14 and have their first child at 15 or younger without any complication. Nell should be fine—she's a healthy woman. The nausea she complained about should clear up in another month or so; it just plagues some women."

So Adam took Nell back to the Ponderosa. On the ride home, Adam talked about the coach ride back to Sacramento and Nell reassured Adam she would be fine; she wanted to be back in their house.

"I really do care for your family, Adam, and they've been wonderful to me but I need to be home. Most of all, I need to see my own doctor—Dr. Champion."

"Why? Don't you like Paul?" Adam looked over at his wife.

"Oh, it's just that he asked all sorts of questions like when was my last _flowering_-it was embarrassing. His nurse and she held my hand while he examined me but he had me slip off my pantalets and then, well, he partially kneeled and as I stood there, he felt me, Adam." Nell blushed at the memory.

Adam tried not to laugh. "Felt you?"

"Yes. He pressed against my belly with one hand while he slipped…" Nell blushed. "I just can't talk about it. He's a complete stranger and he…did that. I thought I would die of humiliation."

"Oh, I think you'll live." Adam put his free arm around her.

"Only you've touched me that way. What am I going to do when it's my time to bear fruit? I mean, I never really thought about it before, but people will have to see me—I mean see my—_fruitful vine_."

At that, Adam did laugh. "Your fruitful vine? Bearing fruit? What the hell is that?"

"It's not funny, Adam, and don't curse. Surely you don't expect me to discuss those…parts with him—or you." Nell felt her face become hotter. She became fully embarrassed again at the memory of Paul's hands and fingers exploring her.

"I'm sorry, Nell," Adam said, leaning over to kiss her softly but she shrugged her shoulder and pulled away. "Okay," Adam said, "you go ahead and pout—you've been through enough already today. Save your strength—or anger—since we still have to tell everyone at dinner."

Nell stared at Adam in horror. How could she discuss what was going to happen with her body to all those men? She couldn't—just couldn't. "You tell them, Adam. When I'm upstairs. You tell them then.""

So Adam did tell them all before dinner as they sat waiting for Nell and when she came down after washing up, all five men, including a grinning Hop Sing who stood by Ben's chair were waiting for her. Nell was embarrassed knowing the whole matter had been discussed among them along with her queasiness and her soon to be burgeoning figure, she was sure. Already her clothes were becoming too tight and soon she wouldn't be able to leave the house but would have to remain behind the walls in Sacramento wearing loose clothes. She would have to find clothes for her confinement; she would ask Bee.

And Nell suddenly remembered Bee, how Bee had to wear her large cloak and keep it on when they had gone to lunch. A woman who was "enceinte" was to remain in private and the only reason Bee worked in the front office of Cartwright & Spence as long as she did was because she was needed and could remain hidden behind a desk. That night in their bedroom, Nell asked Adam about Bee.

"Bee? Oh, I really don't know except that she's close to delivery—or what was that you later called it? Oh, yes, _bearing fruit_." Adan didn't want to frighten Nell and give her anything more to worry about so he chose to treat the matter of Bee's medical issues in a light teasing manner. "Anyway, she might be early and so Jess and I agreed to keep office hours to a half-day until I get back. Why should bankers be the only ones to choose their hours?" Adam smiled at her as he disrobed but Nell turned her back to him.

"I just happened to think of her," Nell said, "and wondered how she was….the baby and all." Nell turned slightly and saw Adam slip under the covers. Nell stripped down to her chemise and then pulled her night gown over her head and using it as a cover, she slipped off her intimate clothing and then stepped out of them, picking them up and laying them neatly over a chair.

Adam chuckled. "What was all that about?"

"What?" Nell sat down at her vanity and took down her hair. She would brush it and then braid it for the night.

"You're undressing that way—the big cover-up. Are you hiding from me?"

"No, I just, I mean I feel so big—like a cow."

"Nell, don't be silly. You're not a cow and you sure aren't big."

"I will be—soon I'll be huge. And then I'll be producing milk just like a cow does, suckling a child the way piglets suck a sow's…teats. I'll be no better than farm stock!"

Adam sighed. "Nell, leave your hair be. Come here." He sat up and held out his arms and she ran to him, scampering to his arms like a small child does to the safety of its parent's embrace. He pulled her into his arms.

"Nell, you're going to have a child. Of course, your body's going to change but it will only become more beautiful—at least that's the way I look at it."

Nell pulled away and sat up looking at him. "I don't think so. Look at Bee. Look how fat she's become. Would you like it if I grow that fat? And those brown blotches on her forehead and cheeks? What if my skin does that? Will you still think I'm beautiful? And I heard some of the women in church once talking about how a woman's figure is never the same after..."

"Bearing fruit?" Adam added with a sly grin.

"Yes—after that." Nell's jutted out her jaw in defiance. He could tease her all he wanted—she didn't care. "A woman's figure is never the same-never! And a woman becomes—stretched out—down there." Nell made a motion with her hand indicating her genital region and was on the verge of tears.

"Nell, try not to think about the negative aspects of what's going on with you. Let's talk about all the good things." He pulled her into his arms again and quietly talked about how their lives would change for the better and then he brought up the idea of names and Nell began to enjoy the discussion. Finally she fell asleep after yawning a few times and stretching in his arms, but Adam lay awake and stared into the darkness. He had told Nell they would be leaving Monday and although Nell seemed in accord with it, even joking and asking Adam if she couldn't walk all the way to Sacramento instead, she did consent to the stagecoach and would ask Hop Sing to make a reserve of lozenges to last her a while.

But it was Adam who truly dreaded the stage ride back to Sacramento but there was no other choice; he needed Nell with him—couldn't bear the idea of leaving her behind to grow heavy with child without him to take care of her. And finally, realizing that he was literally holding both his wife and the child in his arms, their child, he fell asleep and dreamt of a running child of indeterminate gender and whose face he couldn't see. And finally, after chasing the child down, he grabbed it and it was no longer a small child; it was Marie, a full woman in all her seductive beauty and she was laughing the way she always had with her head thrown back and her eyes flashing. She said to him with narrowed eyes, "Men are so easily fooled." The dream occurred right before Adam woke and the shock and fear made him sit upright.

Nell was still asleep and Adam looked down at her. Would she fool him? Would she deceive him to such an extent that she would knowingly bear another man's child and keep him in the dark? Adam threw off the covers and went to the window. He pulled them completely open and looked outside. The cold came through the window pane and there was a light frost on the window as well as the world—the grass glittered and from where he stood, the window being in the back of the house, he could see a stretch of yard before the timberline reclaimed the land.

The room was chilly and Adam went to the fireplace and after poking up the remaining embers, he opened the firebox and placed some fat lighter on the small flames trying to regenerate the flames. The thin splits of the resin-heavy wood caught quickly and Adam placed a few split logs on it and then went back to bed, sliding in next to Nell and kissing her neck. She stirred and then rolled over and stretched her arms over her head, then wrapping them around his neck. Adam leaned down to kiss her and was startled when a fist banged on the door. Nell giggled at Adam's expression.

"Hey," Joe yelled, pounding again. "Get up, Adam. We've got church this morning so get your sinful butt out of bed and tell that wife of yours that she needs to come as well after associating with you—guilt by association so to speak."

Adam reached down over the side of the bed and picked up one of his boots. He hurled it at the door and it bounced off after making a satisfactory thud.

Joe, on the other side, giggled. "Good, you're up! Breakfast in twenty minutes!"

Nell giggled as well. "Really, Adam, we need to dress for church. I've been the past two Sundays and it's a lovely service.

Adam nuzzled her neck, moving his hands over the fabric of her nightgown, feeling her curves beneath. "I'd rather service you." He began to pull up her gown.

"Adam, it's Sunday. It's time to show reverence. I know your father brought you up with proper religious training."

"You're my religion," Adam murmured. "You are who I worship, who I devote myself to—you and you alone. Thou shalt have no other love before Nell. I swear that's a commandment."

"Adam that's blasphemy! Pray for forgiveness."

"All I pray for is help to get this damned gown off of you."

"Adam," Nell said, struggling to keep the gown down, "not now, not when I'm getting…big."

"Yes, now," he said looking in her eyes. "I want you and I want your body. I want to lie between your white thighs and take your breasts in my mouth and revel rocking together with you. Now—the gown."

Nell sat up and after pausing, she pulled the nightgown off and lay back down. She then closed her eyes and heard her husband's voice in her ear telling her of his love for her and his urgency to join with her. She felt him around her and within her and the whole world seemed nothing but him and his acute need for her. The sound of his voice singing the primeval song of love vibrated through her being—his love for her. And Nell floated away on the waves of pleasure that she prayed would never end.


	24. Chapter 24

**XXIV**

While Hoss, Joe and Hop Sing were fussing over the preparations for Adam and Nell's departure, Adam sought out his father.

"I hope you're glad about the news, Pa," Adam said. "I mean the child."

Ben put a hand on Adam's shoulder. "I am happy. It's my first grandchild. I only wish your mother were here to share it with us."

"Tell me—honestly-do you think she would have loved Nell?"

"Because you do, I'm sure she would have."

"That's not much of an endorsement, Pa." Adam smiled faintly.

"Your mother was a different type of woman, very practical, especially for being so young—she was younger than Nell even. I would tease her and call her a child but she was actually mature having to manage things on her own after her mother died and your grandfather would go to sea. But I think she would have taken Nell under her wing and tried to help her."

"This may be an odd question…and I suppose I have no right to ask, but do you care for Nell?"

"She's going to be the mother of my grandchild."

"Good equivocation but tell me the truth; would you grant me that?"

"If you had asked me this question a few weeks ago, I would have to say that I had no particular affection for her but in the three weeks she's been here, I've become fond of her. She's been trying very hard to fit in—after you left she began to spend more time downstairs with us and participate in life here. Do you remember when you were about 11 and the stray cat, the calico, began to hang around the barn?"

"Are you comparing Nell to a stray cat?" Adam was amused at the comparison.

"No," Ben said chuckling, "not in that way—just that, it had been so afraid, wouldn't come to us when we offered food. So I told you and Hoss to leave the food and step away and wait. And then the cat would creep up and take the food. Each day I told you and Hoss to inch a bit closer until finally she would let you stroke her head and back while she ate."

"I remember. What of it?"

"Well, that's how Nell was. She had to become used to us inch by inch but when she finally joined us fully, well, she won my heart. Nell is a charming girl—I mean woman." Father and son chuckled together. "I pray that all turns out well, Adam. I'll have to come visit my new grandchild."

"Thank you, Pa," Adam said and hesitated. Then he pulled his father to him and the men awkwardly held each other before separating.

"I hope the child looks just like Nell—as beautiful as she is." Ben said.

"Yes," Adam replied. He thought of how Joe looked like Marie and had the same _joie de vivre_. But both men knew what they were really saying about children and their mothers—and the father. Adam remembered an old saying that he had heard in town once—"Mama's baby, papa's maybe." He had laughed at the time

"I really do wish you could stay longer though," Ben said. "Joe packed all your Christmas gifts in the buckboard." Ben sighed deeply. "You can put them under the tree and open them Christmas morning. Pretend we're there."

"I haven't any presents yet for you three—or Hop Sing. We'll manage to send something. But we do have to go back. I mean there's the business and then Nell wants to see her own doctor. It seems that she was a bit embarrassed when Paul examined her….".Adam stopped. He remembered Nell had said, _Only you've touched me that way. _He hadn't paid attention to it at the time but Nell was truly discomfited by the physical exam with Paul Martin. Would a woman who had a lover be so modest? And her remarks hadn't been contrived—she had been sincerely upset. Adam turned toward the stairs, looking up.

"What is it, Adam?" Ben asked.

Adam, grinning, turned back to his father. "The baby's a Cartwright, Pa. I know I expressed doubts about Nell's fidelity but I'm sure now that she's been faithful. It's my child—I know it." And Adam pulled his father to him again and hugged him. Ben didn't know what caused Adam's epiphany but he suddenly felt the worry that had plagued him drop away, especially when he saw Adam's smiling face after they pulled away from one another. "I need to get Nell if we're going to make that stage." And Adam took the stairs, calling out for Nell.

Ben was surprised by Adam's unexpected turn but he found that he wanted to whoop with joy at the prospect of another generation of Cartwrights. So grinning, Ben went out to the yard to join Hoss and Joe who were to drive Adam and Nell into town.

"What're you grinning about, Pa?" Joe asked.

"Why shouldn't I grin? In a few months, I'll be a grandfather." Ben practically swaggered. "And if Adam is like his old man, well, maybe we'll have a whole passel of new Cartwrights in a few years."

"You never know, Pa," Hoss said grinning. "But from the way baby brother takes on, some of your grandchildren may come from Joe there, that is iffen he don't learn to keep it tucked in."

"Don't worry about me, older brother. I know what I'm doing." Then Joe turned to his father. "Honest, Pa, Hoss is just teasing. Honest." Joe had been severely reprimanded many a time when an irate father of a young beauty had shown up at the Ponderosa, a shotgun in his hands and fire in his eyes.

And Hoss and Ben laughed, then stopped when Adam and Nell came out, trailed by Hop Sing. "Now, Nell, you take care of my grandchild," he said, "and yourself. As for Adam, he can fend for himself."

"Thanks a lot, Pa, for being so concerned about me," Adam said, grinning.

"I will, Mr. Cartwright. I promise." And Nell tip-toed and kissed Ben's cheek. "Thank you for everything—everything."

Ben blushed and felt emotions begin to overtake him. He told himself it was just the discussion of Elizabeth that had brought his emotions so close to the surface. But Hop Sing broke the tension with his fussing as he carried a basket of food for them to take, filling the basket they had brought with them a few weeks ago.

"Now you take care Missy," Hop Sing said as Adam lifted Nell up beside Hoss on the seat while Joe jumped in the back of the buckboard.

"I will, Hop Sing. Don't worry about 'Missy'." Adam took the basket and placed it in the back warning Joe not to eat anything. And Nell waved to Ben and Hop Sing as they left the yard, looking back until the two men were out of view. She broke into tears. Adam, sitting on her other side, put his arm around her. He noticed that Nell wore the rose brooch on the lapel of her suit jacket.

"Why are you crying?" Adam asked, both amused and concerned.

"Yeah, Nell," Hoss said, "Don't go cryin' none. Iffen it's because you'll miss us, well…." Hoss looked over Nell's head at Adam and winked, "Well, I guess you can take Joe home with you two. Pa and me's been lookin' for a way to unload him on someone else for a while so's we can get some rest."

"Hey," Joe protested. "Unload me, is it?" But Joe recognized that Hoss was just trying to cause Nell to stop crying and it worked because Adam laughed and even Nell smiled.

And on the ride back to the Ponderosa after seeing Adam and Nell off, Hoss and Joe remarked how very light-hearted Adam was, how he seemed "…downright happy. I mean ol' Adam seemed happier than I've ever seen him," Hoss remarked. "You know he ain't no cheerful type—always so serious and such—but didn't he seem—joyful?"

"Yeah, and Pa too," Joe said. "Strange, isn't it, how everyone seems lighter now, happier somehow—even me. Maybe it's Christmas coming, I don't know. Maybe it's the New Year but…even I want to smile and there's no pretty girl in sight."

"You're just happy 'cause you didn't get a load of buckshot fired up your ass when you climbed out of Maddie Wainwright's bedroom window last night."

Joe grinned. "Yeah, well, her pa's a bad shot. Good thing he didn't recognize me!" And the two chuckled the rest of the way home while Joe regaled Hoss about the details of his time with Maddie.


	25. Chapter 25

Some readers may not approve of the ending or want more but I feel that the story is finished. It was about a triangle and now it is resolved to a great degree. I don't care for fairy tale endings and try to present things in a realistic light-except when writing a fantasy or an AU.

Thanks to those of you followed the story and hope that you find the ending at least intriguing. And our boy, Adam, may have quite an exciting life ahead with Nell!

**XXV**

After being home almost a week, Nell sat in her favorite chair and took up her needlepoint. She felt peaceful and yet anxious. She stopped plying her needle, leaving it plunged in the fabric and touched the rose brooch at her throat, having pinned it at the high colored neckline of her blouse. She smiled to herself at the thought that accompanied the piece of jewelry. Then she put her hand over her abdomen. She wasn't yet showing—after all, both Dr. Martin and Dr. Champion had said she was only about ten weeks along but yet, she was amazed by all that was happening. And Adam had been endearing. He would lie with his hand on her stomach after laying with her, after being as passionate a lover as at their first encounters, and the night before he had even sung to her belly, kissing it before and after.

"…_I asked her if she'd stop and talk_  
_Stop and talk, stop and talk _  
_Her feet covered up the whole sidewalk, _  
_she was fair to view _

_I asked her if she'd stop and dance, _  
_Have a dance, care to dance _  
_I thought that I might get a chance _  
_to shake a foot with her _

_I asked her if she'd be my wife_  
_be my wife, be my wife _  
_Then I'd be happy all my life _  
_if she would marry me _

_I danced with the dolly with a hole in her stocking _  
_And her feet kept a-rocking _  
_and her knees kept a-knocking _  
_Oh, I danced with the dolly with a hole in her stocking _  
_And we danced by the light of the moon."_

Nell, had laughed, "Now what kind of song is that to sing to a baby?"

"Thought he might want to dance in there—you know, tap his toes to the music or such, do a little jig."

"Well, he can't hear you; he's too young." she had said as she toyed with Adam's dark hair, his head resting on her bare abdomen, "and it's probably best he can't."

"Or her. It's probably a girl—a beautiful little girl."

"Maybe," Nell had said, her voice becoming wistful. "Maybe it is."

"Speaking of girls—or females—have you seen Abby since we've been back?"

"No. I sent her a note yesterday letting her know and telling her I'll pay a visit tomorrow afternoon. I need to buy a gift for her though and then we haven't yet bought any for you family. I need to buy them and mail them. They probably won't arrive by Christmas though."

"Leave it to me," Adam said as he made himself more comfortable.

"But you won't have the time. With Bee and Jess…his being so worried and your having to work so much…When would you find the time?"

"Don't worry. I'll handle it. I'll…go during lunch tomorrow and pick up a few things. You just buy for Abby. We'll give envelopes to the staff—money is always welcome."

Nell picked up her needle again and thought of Bee and how she was faring. She had gone to visit Bee the day before taking a basket filled with Mrs. Chevy's baked goods.

She had knocked and Bee's voice called her in. "I feel a bit like Little Red Riding Hood with my basket full off goodies for grandma." Bee laughed at the remark as she reclined on her sofa. Nell noted that the parlor was as pleasant as always with the bright colors and embroidered doilies on the tables but it seemed more cluttered than usual. Nell realized how fortunate she was that she had people to perform all the mundane chores; Bee had no one but herself and Jess.

"I'm sorry the place is such a mess, Nell," Bee said as she pushed herself to a sitting position which obviously took a great deal of effort. "I just haven't had the time or the energy to clean, dust. Poor, Jess has had to do everything—the cooking and washing up. I just lay here useless."

"Nonsense," Nell said. "Let me fix you a cup of tea—or coffee. What would you like?" Nell pulled off her outerwear, her hat and gloves.

"I think the kitchen is a mess and you may not be able to find the coffeepot. You probably shouldn't venture there."

"Don't worry. Now there's an apple pie and all sorts of cookies in the basket—and they're safe to eat; Mrs. Chevy baked them, not I." Nell smiled and Bee chuckled but it was easy for Nell to see Bee's lethargy—and how extremely large she was. Nell wondered if she herself would look like that after a few more months.

Nell went into the kitchen; Bee hadn't exaggerated. Pots were piled in the sink along with plates and cups and saucers and tin flatware. A fry pan with a few days' worth of congealed bacon fat sat on the stove and bacon spatter was still on the iron stove top. "I'll make coffee," Nell called out.

"Oh, thank you," Bee called. "I've been drinking Jess' coffee so I may not be able to taste any of these cookies—his coffee fries my tastes buds, it's like drinking hot kerosene."

Nell laughed but made the coffee after she found the grinder and the oily coffee beans. So, while Bee sat and munched on some of the cookies after Nell took her a napkin-one from the kitchen table that was the cleanest-and Bee placed it on her lap to catch any crumbs. After Nell washed and dried two cups and saucers and the coffee was ready, they sat in the parlor and sipped while Nell shyly told Bee that she was with child as well.

Bee was happy for her, and told Nell to pay no attention to her own condition. "As small as you are, I'm sure you won't bloat up like me. I eat all the time. I'm always hungry so you don't know how much I appreciate these goodies." And Bee smiled what she hoped was a comforting grin, not wanting to tell Nell how very unpleasant this last month of her pregnancy was, how she felt like a huge, swollen slug and could never get comfortable at night—or at any time. Nell was, in Bee's opinion, far too untried to handle all the pain and misery that came with bearing children and wondered how Adam would hold up as well. Bee thought that Adam would probably suffer as much as Nell and she wondered again at the unlikely match.

After an hour, Nell said she would have to go but she insisted, despite Bee's protestations, that she would wash the dishes and straighten out the kitchen. And while Nell had her hands in the hot water and suds, she wondered why some people's lives were so different than others. And what if she had married Vincent? How would her life be different were he her husband instead of Adam? And Nell pondered on her life and felt fortunate indeed.

"Miss," Margery said stepping into the parlor, "Miss Weems is here."

"Oh, show her in and…" but Nell said no more because Abby came into the room, smiling and the two friends hugged.

"Oh, Abby, I was going to come see you today but I'm so glad you're here now." Then, holding onto Abby's arm, Nell told Margery to bring them tea and jam sandwiches—and to use the gooseberry jam she brought back from the Ponderosa.

"Gooseberry? What in the world is that?' Abby asked, laughing as she took off her hat and gloves. The weather was warmer than usual for this time of year as the sun had shone clearly and brightly and warmed the air.

"It's this little green berry—a bit tart and it makes for the most interesting taste. Hop Sing, the Cartwright's cook, canned jars and jars of it and I'm afraid I've become addicted. He packed at leasr five jars for me to bring back. It's all I want anymore and I had sworn off jam sandwiches. But Adam says that…" Nell smiled and felt her cheeks warm.

'What?" Abby asked. "What does Adam say?" Abby's face froze. She hadn't expected Nell to be home this early. After all, Adam had left her in Nevada and returned to Sacramento by himself. Nell's note had said that she was home and hoped Abby would be at home so that she could visit on the Wednesday; she had said nothing about Adam being there as well.

Nell reached out and took Abby's hands. She smiled tentatively. "Oh, Abby, I'm with child." She blushed again and expected Abby to be excited but Abby blanched.

"What?" The word was practically a whisper.

"I'm with child. Adam says that's why I'm craving gooseberry jam." Nell noticed how odd Abby looked. "Abby what's wrong? Aren't you happy for me?"

"Well, I am—I'm just surprised, that's all. I mean you had been so long without and then I thought that you and Adam were at odds. I mean he did send you away—and so quickly that we couldn't even say goodbye to one another. When I received your note, well, I thought maybe you and he had separated. He had treated you so badly, making accusations about you and another man, mistrusting you…I even suspect he struck you."

"No, Abby. It wasn't like that. Adam's never struck me and as for the accusations—he never came out and accused me, just suspected because of the flowers and the note…" Nell saw why Abby might think what she did.

"He isn't denying the child is his, is he? It would be like him." Abby withdrew her hands and stood up.

"What do you mean, like him? Abby, what's wrong?"

Abby swung around. "I just can't believe that after all Adam's done to you, you'd stay with him." Abby sat back down and took Nell's hands in hers. "Nell. You're a wealthy woman. Your father left you so much money and then there was the sale of the house-and now, well, it's legally all Adam's. Nell, he owns you body and soul. Do you like being owned?"

"Abby, that's not the way things are…"

Margery walked in and placed the tray with the tea and sandwiches on the table. "Will there be anything else?" Margery noticed how odd the two women looked, both seemed upset.

"No. Thank you, Margery; that will be all." Nell waited until Margery left and then turned back to Abby. "You have the wrong idea about Adam. I'm sure I contributed to it by my childish complaints and whining about things—I just always expected Adam to worship me, I suppose, to lie at my feet in adoration buy he's not like that. Marriage isn't like that. While I was at the Ponderosa, I read so many books—books that portrayed a more realistic look at marriage and romance and life. They made me realize how lucky I am and how wonderful he is."

"Nell, think—really think. Don't let having this baby affect your thinking, affect your memory. You told me about your wedding night, how surprised you were with what he did. He satisfied himself, didn't he? And then when he took you like an animal, how awful it was—and that wasn't that long ago. How can you bear him? I know that when I…" Abby looked down, "when I was with Vincent…I realized how horrid it is, that what men do to women is crude and below us. Men are disgusting creatures who just use a woman's body and cause her to bear child after child until she's worn out and useless and then behaves as if he's performed the greatest act ever. And the woman risks her life and the father passes out cigars and buys drinks for his friends.. Is that what you want, Nell?"

"No but…" Nell thought of Bee, how swollen and awkward and uncomfortable she was. And Bee might also have to be slit open and have the child practically ripped from her body.

"Nell, Adam doesn't trust you. He thought you were having an affair and he sent you away. But you weren't. That was his trial and he failed. He was cruel to you and wanted to lock you away. Why do you stand for it? Leave him, Nell. You can come live with me and my mother and we can all raise the child together."

"What?" Nell was taken by surprise. She hadn't expected the conversation to take this turn.

"No one loves you as I do, Nell. No one." And Abby grabbed Nell and leaned in. She kissed Nell full on the mouth. "I love you. Nell.'

Nell pulled away. "Abby…I love you like a sister but…"

Abby was frustrated. "Can't you see, Nell? Two bouquets of flowers and Adam thought you were unfaithful, thought you had taken a lover. How much can he love you if his suspicions are roused by mere flowers? Nell, I'm the only one who truly loves you! I know you much better than he does and I love you more than he does."

Nell was stunned; she was blindsided by the turn of events. And then she had a revelation. "Abby, I never had the chance to tell you about the second bouquet. How did you know?" Abby said nothing, just swallowed deeply. "You sent them, didn't you, Nell? You wanted Adam to become suspicious of me, to perhaps leave me."

"What if I did? He doesn't deserve you. I had to show you what Adam was really like—what all men are like-jealous and possessive and domineering. I found that out with Vincent. I thought perhaps that with him, I could find out what you saw in men, that perhaps we could become closer that way but I was merely appalled—he was as much of an animal as I'm sure Adam is. But, Nell, we can be true partners, equals, and we can make a happy family—you and I and the child."

"Oh, Abby…Adam, he's…he's been wonderful to me. I think he decided to accept the child as his own no matter what he thought—but it is his. He's my husband, Abby, my partner, my friend. You're my friend."

"He'll hurt you, Nell." Abby reached out and touched Nell's cheek.

Nell took Abby's hand from her face. "I'm sorry, Abby. I'm sorry. I'm also sorry that you tried so hard to hurt Adam, to hurt us and I can't…I'm sorry. I don't feel I can't trust you. I need time—please leave." Nell felt tears sting her eyes. Her longtime friend was leaving—perhaps forever.

Abby picked up her hat and gloves and left but turned in the archway. "Nell, I'll continue to share you if I have to. I do love you. Please, think about what I've said." And she left.

Nell sat in the silence. She had lost her friend of years, of her childhood and her adolescence and beyond. She had confided in Abby—too much, she now realized—and had almost hurt Adam beyond repair.

"Margery," Nell called out and the woman came. "Would you fetch my hat and gloves and my cape. Then please tell Dawson to hitch the horse; I'm going out."

It was about one in the afternoon and Nell walked into the offices of Cartwright & Spence. Billy James Wetherby saw her and pushing back his chair, stood up.

"Hello, Mrs. Cartwright. A pleasure to see you." The young man smiled. Mrs. Cartwright always looked so lovely.

"It's nice to see you." Nell smiled her most charming smile and then looked through the upper glass part of the partition but didn't see Adam. "Is Mr. Cartwright out of the office?" Nell considered that he may still be Christmas shopping.

"Oh, no, Ma'am. He's probably in the storeroom. You can go on back, if you like."

"Thank you. I will." Nell walked into the back and saw the storeroom door was open, a light on. Its window faced the alleyway and didn't give as much light as needed. "Don't you look busy?" she said in a teasing manner.

Adam looked up and rose, smiling. "What are you doing here, beautiful?" He took her hands in his and kissed her lightly on the cheek.

"Well, I thought that I had best do all my visiting while I'm still able so I thought I would visit my husband."

"So you've been out on a social whirl. Did you visit Abby?"

Nell hesitated only a moment. "Yes. Did you buy your family's Christmas gifts?"

"Oh, Nell…I've been so busy that I forgot. I'm sorry. Jess left early and I worked all through lunch and…"

"Never mind," Nell said. "I have the buggy so I'll run uptown and buy some things. I think I know them well enough to know what they would like."

"I'll do it tomorrow-promise."

"Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow…you sound like Macbeth." Nell smiled and Adam chuckled. He knew she had read extensively while she had been at the Ponderosa—and not any of her cheap, vulgar novels but classical works. Nell surprised him with how quickly she caught on to the issues in the works and seemed to have a particular liking for verse. Adam held her hands and raised them to his lips.

"I do love you, Nell, and I don't know what I'd do without you anymore except bewail my loneliness, gnash my teeth in despair and rip out my hair by the roots." Adam smiled.

Suddenly Nell knew she would never tell Adam about Abby and the flowers or anything about what had passed between the two of them. She couldn't—that would be a betrayal of Abby nor would she betray Adam either—never again.

"Well, you don't have to do without me— not ever. Now kiss me and let me go. I have things to do."

"You merely have to order your most willing slave," Adam teased. He pulled Nell into his arms and kissed her again. He was a bit taken aback by the passion she displayed as this seemed no mere kiss goodbye but a prelude to seduction. "What is it, Nell?"

"I just love you, Adam. I do."

He looked at her carefully. He thought he saw tears glistening in her eyes. He pulled her to him again and held her closely, pressing his face against her hair. "Everything is going to be all right, Nell. Everything. Don't worry about things—let me worry for you."

Nell pulled away and looked up at him. His hazel eyes reflected concern; they were so warm and his mouth was so tender—so vulnerable.

"I know, Adam. Everything will be all right. Now, let me go and I'll see what I can find to buy for your family. You know how much I love to spend money."

"Okay, you go spend all my hard-earned money and enjoy it." And Adam walked Nell out noting how pretty she looked, so tempting and fresh. When they stood on the curb, Dawson waiting to help her up, Adam kissed her once more. "Nell…if something's wrong…"

She smiled at him. "Nothing is wrong. God's in his heaven and all's right with the world." And Dawson helped her inside while Adam stood watching, puzzling as they rode off.

Something was different, Adam considered. Nell seemed older somehow. And she had quoted Browning and his work "Pippa Passes," and he knew that the work dealt with murder and adultery and many other unpleasant topics far beyond the ken of the optimistic, naïve Pippa—or Nell. But then Adam shrugged it off. Nell was so innocent that she probably didn't pick up on the darkness hidden within the work, he decided. But then he stopped and thought again. Nell was quite the woman. Quite the woman and he hoped he could at least remain her equal. And he felt as if she had taken half the weight off his shoulders and that they were partners. She was quite the woman.

~ FINIS ~


End file.
